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A sense of self

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Title:
A sense of self identity, gender, and technology in school
Creator:
Goff, Katherine E
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English
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192 leaves : ; 28 cm

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Subjects / Keywords:
Gender identity in education ( lcsh )
Educational technology ( lcsh )
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bibliography ( marcgt )
theses ( marcgt )
non-fiction ( marcgt )

Notes

Bibliography:
Includes bibliographical references (leaves 188-192).
General Note:
School of Education and Human Development
Statement of Responsibility:
by Katherine E. Goff.

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Source Institution:
University of Colorado Denver
Holding Location:
Auraria Library
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All applicable rights reserved by the source institution and holding location.
Resource Identifier:
47848450 ( OCLC )
ocm47848450
Classification:
LD1190.E3 2001d .G63 ( lcc )

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Full Text
A SENSE OF SELF:
IDENTITY, GENDER, AND TECHNOLOGY IN SCHOOL
by
Katherine E. Goff
B.A., St. John's College, 1980
M.A., University of New Mexico, 1988
A thesis submitted to the
University of Colorado at Denver
in partial fulfillment
of the requirements for the degree of
Doctor of Philosophy
Educational Leadership and Innovation
2001


2001 by Katherine E. Goff
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.


This thesis for the Doctor of Philosophy
degree by
Katherine Elizabeth Goff
has been approved by
by
Mark Clarke

A
Alan Davis
15 0
Date


Goff, Katherine Elizabeth (Ph.D., Educational Leadership and
Innovation)
A Sense of Self: Identity, Gender, and Technology in School
Thesis directed by Professor Mark A. Clarke
ABSTRACT
An invitation
An exploration, creation
An interaction between you and me and how we see
systemxrelationships> Interweaving
identity
gender
technology
school.
Look! Theres a woman in that mirror! Or is it?
The structure of the piece mirrors the process of my learning how we
learn to make and remake these relations within systems.
Who's speaking?
What did she say?
The recursive characteristic of learning over time is stitched throughout
a sampler of genres and texts revealing both the author's learning throughout the
research and writing process and the learning of the elementary school students
as they move through their daily activities in school. The data was collected
through
participant observation ethnography.
But who is she?
I don't know, yet. Shhhh!
The author draws on Cultural Historical Activity Theory to understand
the activities and tool use of the students.
I don't get it. What tool? The computer? Or herSelf? Does she use
the kids in any way? Wait, she says she's a feminist.
What does that mean?
Feminist accounts of theory and practice
help me
to interpret the data
xv


in ways that allow
sufficient room
for the participants
to live and breathe.
These demonstrate how the participants of my research
practiced shaping their identities and
their awareness of others.
Ambiguous and open-ended findings echo
the voicing of a self
that is an elusive being whose awareness
of its own activity requires constant,
compassionate vigilance.
How this awareness is voiced

shapes what it can say.
This abstract accurately represents the content of the candidates thesis. I
recommend its publication.
Mark A. Clarke
v


DEDICATION
I dedicate this thesis to my sons Alexander, Maxwell, and Spencer and to
all the children I have ever taught/leamed from.


ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
This would have been quite a different quilt (perhaps not a quilt at
all!) without the consistent, coherent, ruthless, and compassionate
attention given by Mark Clarke and Phillip White. I truly feel that this was
a joint activity of learning and teaching. Many thanks to the both of you
for all the encouragement and support.
I also want to honor two women whose influence greatly shaped
this piece of myself as well as me: Susan Krieger and Morwenna Griffiths.
Your words have inspired me and your kindness and courage have
nourished me. Thank you, Susan and Morwenna, and keep writing!
I want to acknowledge my family in all its various embodiments.
From my father who died in 1994 to my husband who helped edit this
document to my siblings and mother who cheered for me long distance
(and asked all too often when I was going to be finished!) to my Aunt
Nancy who now has a Web page of her own.
I also wish to thank those who encouraged me to sound out my
ideas and my voice in the virtual world of email. Many thanks to the
multi-voiced identities of the xmca, Multi-logues, and Pre-Intellectus list
groups. I especially want to acknowledge Eva Ekeblad, Diane Hodges,
Judy Diamondstone, Kathryn Alexander, Bill Barowy, Jay Lemke, Rosa
Montes, Piotr Szybek, and Michael Cole.


My doctoral lab has been a sounding board for many of my
attempts at voicing my thoughts and I want to acknowledge the kind ears
of Alan Davis, Jeanne Hind, Joanne McLain, Karen Myers, Lee Rawley,
Dan Jesse, Laura Marasco, Starla Pearson, Elaine Baker, Jim Eck, and
Cathy Bodine.
One of those whose influence is not readily apparent I would like
to thank here. Thank you, Vitauts Jaunaris, for your efforts as my voice
coach!
There are many others who have contributed to the development of
this thesis and I truly cannot acknowledge them all, for not only would I
exhaust your patience, but the contributions of many were accepted
apperceptively and have been worked into the batting of this quilt. Please
thank yourselves.


CONTENTS
Tables................................................xii
CHAPTER
1. INTRODUCTION: HOW TO READ A QUILT.......................1
2. SPEAKING ABOUT THE SELF SPEAKING
(ABOUT THE SELF): PART ONE......................................9
The House.............................................9
Voice as Process, Process as Recursive...............10
Learning Difference..................................14
I am Writing Emma Speaking...........................16
Writing and Reading One Another......................20
Speaking of Being (Therefore I Am)...................31
Per Perfectly Gender-free Language...................33
Languaging Identity..................................38
Room Enough for Many Voices..........................42
growth and development...............................43
3. THE BODY SPEAKS........................................46
Incorporating the Past...............................47
Bodies in Motion.....................................51
A Body of Evidence...................................58
A Body Speaks........................................66
silence/anger.....................................67
The Objective Gaze: A Trick with Mirrors..........67
silence/shame.....................................70


(re)Interpreting the Meaning: Siting the Struggle..71
silence/ self......................................73
Body Knowledge........................................73
Mortal Bodies.........................................76
spring with no columbines.............................79
4. BOOK BAGS AND SCHOOL SUPPLIES ...........................81
Writing Tools.........................................82
Tools for Thinking, Tools for Being...................84
Constructing an Escape Route..........................86
Multi-Purpose Tools...................................90
Tooling Gender and Gendering Tools....................95
Power Tools without the Roar.........................103
Retooling for a Different Task.......................107
Dreaming as Work, a Dream as a Tool..................110
5. MY MEETING WITH THE GREAT BUSS QUEEN....................112
A Sense of Self......................................117
Self-Fluctuation.....................................119
Speaking Identity....................................121
Writing Identities...................................123
Expanding Identity...................................131
Non/sense and (no) Self..............................135
hope chant...........................................140
6. CONCLUSION: BINDING THE EDGES...........................142
The Original Purpose of My Study.....................142
My Original Research Questions.......................142
x


APPENDIX
A. METHODS: BACKING AND BATTING.......................150
Research Problem................................151
Hypotheses......................................152
Operational Definitions.........................153
Research Instrument Design......................154
Data Collection.................................155
Analyses........................................156
B. INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPTION............................158
REFERENCES ................................................188


TABLES
Table
2.1 I Statements Made by the Kids...........................22
2.2 Speaking of Thinking (Therefore I Am)...................23
2.3 Speaking of Doing.......................................25
3.1 Wanting Computer Identity
(The Body as Access to Technology) .....................63
4.1 Computer Uses...........................................92
4.2 Good Computer Users Identified..........................97
i
XH


CHAPTER 1
INTRODUCTION: HOW TO READ A QUILT
As individuals, we develop a sense of self from within our
communities and then try to find ways to contribute our
voices (our selves) back to our communities helping to
reshape and alter our communities views. A quilting bee
represents communities of knowers, for quilting usually
involves many people and is not associated with being a
solitary activity. Still, it is possible for someone to make a
quilt alone, just as when we construct knowledge we may
spend time working on ideas and solutions to problems all
by ourselves. However, for those ideas to make a
contribution to knowledge, they eventually must be shared
with others. Also, the ideas we have do not come out of a
vacuum; they come from our experiences and transactions
with others. We may all begin on the quilt together, or we
may decide to go oh on our own, or in smaller groups, and
begin by making our own smaller pieces first, which will
then be added to the others to form the quilt. So it is with
constructive thinking (Thayer-Bacon, 2000 p. 7).
This introduction might be unnecessary. I find it extremely difficult
to write, putting it off as long as I could. There is a voice that resents
having to introduce my writing, my art, myself, in this way. "Here it is!" I
want to say, pointing. "Interact with it!" If I were showing you a quilt that
I had made, would you expect an introduction or directions on where to
begin looking at it? Where does a quilt begin? Another voice tells me that
if you had asked me for a coat and instead I pulled out a quilt, you would
likely expect some kind of explanation. However, it is difficult to know
what you would expect without knowing you, or you knowing me. What
kind of a relationship are you imagining? Teacher to student?
Grandmother to granddaughter? Sales clerk to customer? Committee
1


member to doctoral candidate? "The relationship comes first; it prercedes"
(Bateson, 1979, p. 143, italics original) our understanding. Who we are and
who we perceive each other to be shapes not only our relationship*, but
also what we learn from it: how we learn to co-construct our relationships
with others structures and flavors what we learn. This relational pirocess is
constrained by our individual histories as well as the cultural and
historical contexts within which we find ourselves situated.
Another difficulty I struggle with is that I don't like the ideai of
taking a richly textured and individual experience and trimming amd
piecing it to some fit some universal, traditional form. Many peopke have
made beautiful quilts following traditional patterns such as the log; cabin
or bow ties or wedding rings. For some, the constraint of the traditional
form challenges them to create something unique. I often think of
Shakespeare's sonnets as an example of the unique and universal
simultaneously existent and expressive of one person's creativity. But
what about Shakespeare's "wonderfully gifted sister" (Woolf, 1929, p. 46)?
Who is supported and encouraged and recognized as s/he struggles to
become The Shakespeare? And who left outwhat difference erasedas
quiltmakers, or writers, struggle to create their visions using only
traditionally approved tools and materials?
This dissertation locates knowledge in individual efforts to rmake
meaning out of our collective activities, discussions, and thoughts 5n and
about the world. It is not about one best right universal (male) knonvledge,
or any measurement of better knowledge that can claim to be close:-r to
some truth that is always true for all individuals in any context. Gfnring up
the postivistic posture toward truth means side-stepping either/or
thinking, which says either I am right or I am wrong. Instead, I envision
this dissertation as one stance (mine) toward knowledge that enhamces the
great work of meaning-making in which we are all collectively eng;aged.
2


Leaving the quilt for a moment, I imagine knowledge (about something
such as how kids take up computer-using identities) as a hologram.
Adding more pictures taken from more different angles creates more
detail and depth in the image of what we are all trying to see. So more is
better, but, please, not more of the same row upon row of uniform
perfection. Different is good, but only when approached with
compassionate curiosity from all those involved in the communication of
the knowledge.
My task then is to communicate my understanding of my learning
process: one that began with a curiosity about how kids use the computer.
My learning is no less complex, fragmented, unfinished, and situated in a
cultural historical field than the learning I observed the kids doing. I want
my dissertation to reflect how I understand this ecological, evolving
process "to be fundamentally a stochastic or probabilistic affair" (Bateson,
2000, p. 255), but I also want you to be able to understand it. I accept that
the coherence I am striving for might not be acceptable to you as a reader
of academic texts. What I seek might be a kind of narrative coherence
"constructed through stories, that postmodern feminists despair of
achieving. A person's narrative is never complete, since it can always be
expanded, and it is rarely, if ever, entirely coherent, since it inevitably
includes conflicting plot lines and perspectives" (Klein, 1995 p. 70). And
yet, I do not desire to write something labeled as a personal narrative.
What I am attempting to write might be named visceral coherence,
or something beyond narrative beyond, but not without, language.
Anne Carolyn Klein writes that "visceral coherence, grounded partly in
sensory experience ... is not beholden to a story line" (BClein, 1995, p. 70).
The stories are here, and I will use them, but I hope we will not remain
bound up within them. My hopefor myself, the kids I observed during
my research, the teachers I work with, and my current studentsis that
3


we may learn together how our personal narratives shape who we are,
how we learn to take up these narratives as our own, and that some of
them have twisted and limited our sense of ourselves. My presumption at
this point is that revisions are possible and that expansiveness is healthy.
And so, I begin with a quilt. And a personal narrative.
When I was younger, I would look at a quilt as an entity by itself
with never a thought of who might have made it or how or why. I like to
believe that I always had a sense of appreciation for the aesthetics of color,
texture, and pattern, but I can't recall thinking much about quilts until I
made one. As an adult, I read the words written in a pattern book to begin
learning how to quilt. My grandmothers did not quilt, and I don't
remember anyone sewing except as a form of drudgery. My mother's
relationship to needle and thread was one of avoidance: she always had a
large basket of mending that never seemed to get done. I began
needlework when I was quite young, and it was colored for years by my
version of my mother's distaste. When I was first hospitalized with
rheumatic fever, my Aunt Nancy attempted to teach me to embroider,
cross stitch, and knit. I would have preferred to leam to play soccer, but
since that was not permitted, I struggled to turn my energy into taming
the bright yellow yam she gave me.
Now when I think of women's wisdom, I think of my Aunt Nancy.
For most of my life, though, it never occurred to me to stitch those two
words together: Women + Wisdom. However, I can still recall my aunts
words when my stubby, six-year-old fingers struggled to knit one and
purl two. I was frustrated to discover that I had dropped a stitch from the
previous row. She told me not to worry about it; not to pull out the whole
row because of one dropped stitch. Aunt Nancy explained that a dropped
stitch here and there was proof that the article was knitted by hand, by a
4


person who took the time to make something by hand, and was therefore
to be valued more than some machine-made scarf knitted to perfection.
For years I struggled to match that machine-made image of
perfection and whenever I failed, I would tell the story of Aunt Nancy as a
kind of joke on myself. The story was an excuse for my imperfection,
because I never really believed her. She never showed me the dropped
stitches in her work. Just as my grandmother never showed or told me
about the mistakes she made in her cooking. She never showed me (or my
mother) how to cook the Polish dishes she served at our traditional family
gatherings. I was too intimidated by her standards of perfection to even
want to try. I could go on with examples of how I failed or did not even
try to learn about maintaining a car engine, or how to drive a stick shift, or
how to sing, or ski, or, most painfully, how to write.
The learning re/presented in this dissertation reflects the
irreducible tension I struggle to maintain in my own developmental
process. On the one hand, I learn from my own experience, by doing what
I am trying to learn how to do. On the other hand, I learn most from the
stories others tell me about how they stumbled and struggled through
their similar processes. This feels like a tension because I do not want to
swing too far into the receiving side of learning. I do not want to accept
another's learning as if I were one of many "richly endowed repositories
of information" (Belenky, Clinchy, Goldberger, & Tarule, 1986, p. 43). Nor
do I want to shut out the world, especially the voices of honesty and
compassion who encourage me to find my own way, those who might
model for me a way of relating to the world that I admire and desire to
emulate. Some of these word stitchers I have had the good fortune to
know personally, but many I know only through their writing. Writing is
an important tool in my learning basket and for the exploration, creation,
and expression of my identity.
5


This dissertation is my writing. I wrote it. But like a quilt or a
knitted scarf, it is not an entity by itself. It has many different beginnings
and endings. It is about learningmy learning and so it is about my
identity. It is about what I learned about kids and computers. It is about
how I came to realize and accept the implications of gender in my
teaching practice. It is about how one person organizes all these
knowledges, some of them contradictory, into one coherent but changing
world-view. Looking at the so-called finished product, one might identify
this edge or surface as the beginning. One might identify the place it was
first touched as the beginning. Or perhaps the beginning is when it is first
shared with someone. Or when a story about it is first told.
Quilts do have many levels of meaning, but each level requires
some participation from others, from those who wove the cloth I choose to
use, or who made the tools such as the scissors or the sewing machine. I
have to include those who taught me the craft of quilting, and those many
quilters before me whose work I have seen and touched and used. And
those who patiently or good-naturedly or hopefully encouraged me to
continue working at it when I felt like a failure, when my work seemed
embarrassingly imperfect. And most especially those who showed me
their own mis-aligned edges, or bunched up bindings, or unfinished quilt
tops abandoned in closets: those who showed me how they struggled
through the process of learning how to quilt, that it isn't always easy or
perfect or completely finished. And those who unflinchingly pointed out
that even the most beautiful and well-crafted quilt will fade and become
ragged with time and use; that in some equatorial contexts, a quilt will
never be appreciated nor its purpose ever truly understood; that despite
my wishes to the contrary, quilted fabric has been used in war as armor. I
cannot neglect to mention those for whom I made this quilt and those who
might want to learn from me how to make a quilt of their own.
6


So this dissertation is a virtual quilt, a patchwork of my
experiences, my learning, using the voices and tools of others. I am
publishing it on the Internet because that medium best expresses what I
have learned about learning, identity, computer technology, gender,
school, and myself. I began it with the story of one wise woman whom I
discounted for so many years. I begin with an acknowledgment of my
aunt because I have learned that misogyny lives in my head, and only by
listening to stories of the heart can I ever hope to dislodge it. I believe its
more difficult for women to speak in their own voices and be heard with
the respect that we all have learned to grant to the traditional male voice.
This dissertation is therefore, not traditional. It is my attempt to claim my
own experience of learning, to express it in my own way, and to resist the
uniformity "which has contributed to sameness and oppression. Infinitely
preferable is the variety, confusion, colour, hotchpotch, kaleidoscope,
medley, motley, and harlequin of patchwork selves" (Griffiths, 1995, p.
191).
My experience of researching and of writing about my research
was and continues to be nonlinear, often nonrational, and sometimes
inexpressible. My research methodology was learned in the traditional
manner, and I follow the rules of the craft as well as I can. My writing is a
very difficult, often painful process of stammering, stuttering, silencing
myself, and continually reflecting on my process as I do these things. The
process becomes the product as I strive to become more autonomous and
authentic in my writing and in my teaching. For me this will always
involve awareness tempered by compassion, which I see as a willingness
to accept the confusion and the imperfection along with the structure
provided by tradition and other social, cultural, and historical influences.
The Internet version of this dissertation is the "real" one, but I am
also organizing my writing as text on paper in order to meet the School of
7


Education requirements and to compensate for some of the logistical and
technological difficulties. The Web version allows me to provide the
reader with more visual cues to signal a change in voice or theme. It also
allows the reader more freedom to interact in her or his own way with the
knowledges that I have produced. For example, if a reader would like to
read the blocks or chapters of my writing in the order in which I wrote
them, it is as easy as following a more linear route. (I wrote the blocks in
the following chronological order: Block Four: On (one) Self, Block Two:
On Embodiment, Block Three: On Tools in Activity, and finally, Block
One: On Language.) Each block explores a different theme, but the
processes of identity, gender, and learning, and the interaction of students
with computers, are stitched throughout each of them. The Web version of
my dissertation also contains many links to other resources that a
traditional, text-based dissertation disallows. I hope that you will move
beyond the words on this page to interact with my web of identity
(http: / / ceo .cudenver.edu / -Katherine Goff / diss .htmll.
8


CHAPTER 2
SPEAKING ABOUT THE SELF SPEAKING
(ABOUT THE SELF) :PART ONE
The House
by Mary Oliver
It grows larger,
wall after wall
sliding
on some miraculous arrangement
of panels,
blond and weightless
as balsa, making space
for windows, alcoves,
more rooms, stairways
and passages, all
bathed in light, with here
and there the green
flower of a tree,
vines, streams
casually
breaking through-
what a change
from the cramped
room at the center
where I began, where I crouched
and was safe, but could hardly
breathe! Day after day
I labor at it;
night after night
I keep going-
I'm clearing new ground,
I'm lugging boards,
I'm measuring,
I'm hanging sheets of glass,
9


I'm nailing down the hardwoods,
the thresholds-
I'm hinging the doors-
once they are up they will lift
their easy latches, they will open
like wings.
(Oliver, 1986)
Voice as Process, Process as Recursive
As I considered how I would write about my research in order to
demonstrate learningwhat I learned, how I learned, how learning
changed who I amit became clear to me that I intended to write in a
voice different from the traditional academic prose. I wanted to write with
a voice that was my own. I wasn't certain what this would sound like, or
how I would know if I was honestly writing in my own voice, but I did
know that this was what I wanted to do. This concept of a different voice
is one I would likely not have encountered if I were not a doctoral student.
Before entering this doctoral program, I did not read books that were
labeled Women's Studies or Feminism or in any way that indicated to me
that they were for or about women. I honestly felt no interest in learning
about women. I didn't know anyone who did.
That changed as I began to read the words of women who wrote
about women. The first book of this sort that I read was Women's Ways of
Knowing. Written by four women, it was a "story of women's ways of
knowing and of the long journey they must make if they are to put the
knower back into the known and claim the power of their own minds and
voices" (Belenky, Clinchy, Goldberger, & Tarule, 1986, p. 19). I can't claim
that I understood then what I do now about reclaiming voice and power,
but it struck some chord in me. The voices of the women that they
presented in that book brought tears to my eyes as I heard echoes of my
own life in their stories. This book led me to Carol Gilligan's, In a Different
10


Voice. Here I encountered the idea that my struggle to listen to women's
words could be "compounded by women's difficulty in listening to
themselves" and that each woman struggles "to disentangle her voice
from the voices of others and to find a language that represents her
experience of relationships and her sense of herself" (Gilligan 1993, p. 51).
While I accept neither the assumptions nor the conclusions of either of
these books uncritically, my intent here is to speak of their influence on
my understanding of voice.
The different voice (my voice) I first imagined for this writing (my
writing) would echo and resonate with other women's and girls'
experiences. I wanted to write in a way that would not only speak about
our lived experience, but that also would sound like a woman writing.
This is not the way most academics or researchers write, those who are
men and those who write in a masculine voice because that's the way
they're supposed to. I have read enough of that kind of writing. I have
even written it myself. When I read something different from the normal
academic style, I know it. It doesn't sound the same. As Susan Krieger
tells me, "It is soft, subjective, idiosyncratic, ambivalent, conflicted, about
the inner life, and about experiences that cannot be measured, tested, or
fully shared" (Krieger 1991, p. 2). This type of writing evokes questions
that I didn't even know I had. It invites, suggests, offers, intimates,
invokes, and evokes ideas, feelings, and memoriesa sense of selves
connecting. Maybe I feel the caress of the author's breath. Maybe I smell
her fear. Maybe I see myself in the mirror she holds up. Somehow, I know
her in a way that is difficult to articulate because this kind of knowing is
not limited to the structuring of the intellect, to logic and reasonable
explanation. I don't yet have the right language to speak about this kind of
knowing, this way of being. But since language is the tool I have to build
11


this new language, I will have to make it up as I go, "without scripts or
blueprints, composing along the way" (Bateson 2000, p. 7)
Although I began with this desire to write like a woman, I have
shifted my stance during the process of my writing. I still believe I have
incorporated women's voices not only in my writing, but somewhere
deep inside my body through my embodied response to their words.
However, I have also embodied the words of men. I could not have come
to the place I now write from if I had not been deeply influenced by the
words of Gregory Bateson, George Mead, Lev Vygotsky, Michel Foucault
to name just a few. I have also struggled to reconcile to myself the
contradictions that arise when I try to distinguish writing by gender. I find
myself wanting to say things like, 'Judith Butler writes like a man" (Butler
1997) and "Jose Limon writes like a woman" (Limon 1994). Contradictions
seem unavoidable when I frame gender as the binary opposition of
female/male.
During the process of my research and writing about my research, I
have also come to understand gender, identity, and language in a new
way. This emerging, partially unformed understanding places me
somewhere beyond dichotomies such as female/male, self/other,
language/silence, active/passive, science/nature, and body/mind. I don't
deny that I often fall into old habits of dichotomous beliefs and behavior.
This dissertation contains several examples of my embarrassing
revelations; the times I found myself staring into the eyes of the other (the
dominating, oppressive, disembodied, traditional persona of Man), only
to realize that I was looking in a mirror and seeing myself. These
experiences are both painful and powerfully beneficial. For me, the benefit
comes not only from what I leam but also from my increasing facility with
the continual, cyclical process of this kind of painful, powerful learning. In
this section, I write from this beyond place by including the words of men
12


along with the words of women, as well as my own words. Although it
was important for me to try for a time to shut out those masculine voices, I
no longer want to participate in this oppositional, territorial metaphor.
Who I might be as I re-engage with the words of men still feels uncertain. I
am still learning a new relationship to gender, to my gendered identity,
and to how I participate in the gendering of my students.
"Learning, I become someone new. Now we need a new definition
of the self: I am not what I know but what I am willing to learn. Mystery
waits in the mirror. Curiosity and learning begin before breakfast.
Growing, we move through worlds of difference, the cycles and circles of
a life, fulfilled by overlapping with the lives of others" (Bateson 2000, p.
18). I now understand that I have incorporated men's voices, too, just as
my body incorporates those of both of my biological parents. But my
understanding of my research and my writing would have been different
if I had not left the realm of men and traveled some distance to explore
other ways of knowing.
For the time that I journeyed out of earshot of men's voices, I
believed I could find a place where I could hear something different.
Perhaps in this place, I might hear myself. Deborah Tannen has supported
my belief in two different worlds. She writes about the difficulties she and
her husband experienced in their attempts to speak to one another. "I now
see that my husband was simply engaging the world in a way that many
men do: as an individual in a hierarchical social order in which he was
either one-up or one-down ... [while] ... I, on the other hand, was
approaching the world as many women do: as an individual in a network
of relations" (Tannen 1990, p. 24). In Tannen's conceptual framework, girls
and women live in communities of connection and intimacy, while boys
and men live as independent agents in a hierarchical, competitive world.
13


I sometimes feel that the university is such a man's world where I
do not feel independent so much as lonely. I want to feel connected, but I
don't want to feel dependent. I am still confused about what it is I am
trying to find, but I am pretty sure it has something to do with being a
woman. So, for a while, I took Susan Krieger's advice and practiced
"female separatism" (Krieger 1996, p. 196) in my academic life. Since then,
I have changed my mind. I have moved in a different direction. I changed
position. I took up a new stance. I learned something.
Learning Difference
What I learned grew out of the "irreducible tension" (Wertsch 1998,
p. 26) between my experience of myself and the language I had to voice
that experience. Like the women portrayed in books such as Tannen's and
Gilligan's, I have often felt an inescapable difference between my being
female and what I understand it is to be male. I also fear that claims that
there really is no difference lead to assumptions that one, universal (and
so very often, male) way of being is what we all should be. Again, I find
Susan Krieger very convincing when she cautions against the dismissal of
gender difference.
I speak here for acknowledging the importance of gender
rather than succumbing to tike confusion of it, and for trying
to think about why the confusion sets in. Anything that
makes light of gender and understates the degree to which it
is defining of people, and constraining for women, may have
great appeal. Our social system depends on a female
underclass, and attempts to disavow the importance of
gender conveniently hide this dependence. The work
women do is often invisible and takes many forms. One of
these is that of maintaining a female gender role despite
inner conflicts. In part for that reason, it is important, I think,
to speak about the difficulties of female experience with as
much candor as possible. It is important to make public
14


more of what is usually hidden in individual female worlds"
(Krieger 1996, p. 33).
Susan Krieger writes as if g^ender defines people and constrains
women, and it often feels that way to me. As I child, I heard over and over
again that the reason I could not dio so many things I wanted to do was
because I was a girl. Now I want t*o say that it is not gender that defines
me, but people (including myself)-. Other people used the gender
dichotomy discourse to tease and [punish me for not acting as they wanted
a girl to act and to praise me for meeting their expectations of a female.
Since I desired to avoid this ridicule and punishment and to gain more
acceptance and praise, I learned better how to maintain this feminine role
despite my frustrations, disappoinatments, and anger. Part of what I heard
when I stopped listening to men's voices was women writing about
feeling angry and frustrated and disappointed inside. It wasn't just me. It
wasn't just a personal problem. Thus message was as empowering as was
the language in which I learned to- speak of such feelings, of these kinds of
experiences.
Previously, I would have thiought that these feelings were personal
failings (if I even noticed them), scnmething to fear and to keep hidden. But
women like Susan Krieger and Aindre Lorde encourage me to bring these
experiences out into the open, to ruot only share them with others, but also
to scrutinize them for my own understanding. "As we learn to bear the
intimacy of scrutiny and to flourisEh. within it, as we learn to use the
products of that scrutiny for power within our living, those fears which
rule our lives and form our silencers begin to lose their control over us"
(Lorde 1984, p. 36).
For me, poetry is a powerfuil tool for facing those fears, for
loosening some of those constraintis. As I worked on my research and this
writing, I also read and wrote poeftry. Sometimes I felt that I was writing
15


poetry instead of the writing that I was supposed to be doing. Since I
recently read Poetry Is Not a Luxury (Lorde 1984), I now have the words to
explain what I was doing. I can say that I was writing "revelatory
distillation of experience" as a way to "help give name to the nameless so
it can be thought" (Lorde 1984, p. 37).
Some of the poetry I wrote makes its appearance in this dissertation
as alternative expressions of what I have learned and am attempting to
live. I have included poems, journal accounts of dreams, and email
messages "not so much to add more detail, but to compel re-interpretation
and elaboration of what has already been written, thus giving rise to new
interpretive possibilities,... to create structural possibilities for readers to
do what humans must do in their everyday livesweave together
seamless worlds from fragments and imagining" (Sumara, Davis, &
Kapler, in press, p. 19). The following piece of poetry portrays my
understanding of one of the students I interviewed in a way that
descriptive narrative could not. All of the quotations represent the words
that Emma spoke to me as we sat side by side at a computer. These are not
all the words that Emma spoke, but I first selected those statements she
made that were self-referential, that is, I searched for Emma saying "I...".
Then I selected those statements that referred directly to her use of
technology: the tape recorder and the computer.
I am Writing Emma Speaking
Emma listens to the sound of her voice
recorded, played back, from over there,
hearing herself
speaking
"I sound like a teenager."
she laughs that laugh
the one I hear
coming often out of me, and other girls,
16


like thunder follows lightening
not evoking the fear of the listeners
but our own.
"Which one do you want
me to go to first?"
(that laugh)
I ask her to show me her favorite Web page. She slowly
presses keys, the pink plastic punctuating each stroke.
"It's hard to type with
the fingernails."
This time the words are followed by the rumble
of an explanation.
"WeH,
mine, are like, too long, sort of. And so,
I have.. .when you try to type, like, if
you try to hold a pencil or something,
you're used to holding it up close, but
they go past the pencil, so
you have to hold it... "
Emma demonstrates by gripping an imaginary pencil between her thumb
and first two fingers.
"First time
I wore 'em
I was like, six.
They were really, really long.
I got 'em from the dollar store."
(laughs) "And
I could not do anything in them! And
I glued them down.
And they'll come off and then
you have to, uh, like, glue 'em back on,
which is the big mistake
I did last time.
When they fell off, one by one...
I glued 'em back on. And then when
I finally got sick of them being on, the ones that
I, glued once,
which was in the beginning,
and never came off,
came off really easily... and the ones
I had just glued the day before
I wanted
to bring 'em off, and, they wouldn't come off... so
17


I had to soak them in hot water,
and, umm, nail polish remover, and then
I found a trick that you use,
you take your fingernail, and stick it under...
and then just pull it up from the bottom-
then it will come up all at once."
The computer interrupts us beeping its error message,
then is dismissed by Emma, clicking, clicking, looking for something.
"Uh, I don't know. Okay.
I never looked up Britney Spears, but
her Web site is like, on one. So, but
I can't remember it."
(laughs)
"And then in a magazine that
I read it says that the biggest rumor that was ever told about
her was that she was dating Justin. That one there's Justin.
I don't think he's all that cute.
I think that one's really cute.
He's the oldest one. He's thirty-one.
I think.
I like older men."
(laughs)
"Yeah.
I don't know why
I like him, but, this, is just... It's just,
I think this
is questions and answers, but,
Ive been on
one of these before where
it gives you facts, like when
his birthday was, and stuff."
Emma tells me about using the computer.
"I usually do it by myself, you know, because when
I do it with other people, they like,
want to look up other stuff."
(laughs)
"I wanna look up, uh, stuff."
The computer screen offers her the possibility of connecting to N'SYNC
by email. Emma asks me about getting an email address.
"Do you know how
I could get one of those? 'Cause
Im not sure how to do those."
(laughs)
18


'I dont have an email address."
(laughs)
"Yeah. Everybody has one.
I even know Kellys. "
As we search the Internet, I try to follow Emma
who often stops and turns to look at me to see if I am still keeping up.
"Im gonna go to Next here and see...
(laughs)
Yeah.
I'm gonna make
me a home page. And it's gonna be like,
all these music things and it'll be cool. Yeah.
I'm gonna have Usher, and Britney Spears, and N'SYNC,
and... Oh. Well,
I'll go back."
As Emma clicks the Back button, I tell her that the time we have
here at the computer is almost up.
Emma begins to quit Netscape, but then becomes
very excited.
"Oh!
Ive got a really cool page
I've gotta do! And
I want to show you this! It's Nickelodeon! It's so cool! There's this game,
my favorite game on there."
Emma types in Nick.com and I ask her about that.
"I'm not sure
how to spell Nickelodeon. And it works, so ...
(laughs)
"Big long word, whatever
that's supposed to mean. All right,
I need
the Rugrats thingy here."
When I ask who she thinks
is good at using the computer Emma says that Kathy is the fastest. Emma
wiggles her fingers
above the keyboard.
"I'm like, 'What did you just type?"'
(we laugh together)
Now I ask her how good she is at using the computer.
"Im not too good, but
I am, pretty good when
I don't like, have nails, you know. And
I can type however
19


I want.
I'm not good at doing the four finger things,
or getting used to it."
Later, back in the classroom, Emma's group goes to the computer and
Aaron claims the mouse.
Emma turns away from him to tell me quietly,
punctuated by that laugh.
"I am better at the computer than
he is! And
better at soccer.
And kick boxing."
Emma makes some punching motions with her hands
as she sits in her chair and tells me that she got the idea for kickboxing
from Ally McBeal. (Ally McBeal is a character from a TV show about
a woman lawyer.) Aaron returns with a chair, sits down, and puts his
hand on the mouse, (interview transcripts)
Writing and Reading One Another
During my interview with her at the computer, I listen to Emma tell
me who she is. She is a person who can do things such as sounding a
voice, wearing artificial fingernails, gluing the nails, making a mistake,
finding, reading, using the computer, going places on the Internet, making
a homepage, doing the Nickelodeon page, and typing. There are some
things she says that she doesn't do. She couldn't do anything with her first
set of artificial fingernails. She never looked up Britney Spears on the
Internet. She refers to herself as not knowing more often than as knowing.
She says she is going to have music on her homepage, but does not have
email and sometimes does not have artificial fingernails. As a person with
feelings, she gets sick of her fingernails, and she likes one of the members
of the group, N'SYNC, although she doesn't know why. She desires things
such as getting her artificial fingernails off, soaking her fingers, looking up
stuff on the Internet, a link to the Rugrats page, and typing her way.
The fingernails are an important part of being Emma. Emma tells
me that she wants to belong to the group of the most popular fifth grade
20


girls and has spent most of the year trying to get in. She tells me that Kelly
is one of the leaders of this group and that she tries to dress like Kelly.
Emma has inexpensive, drugstore fingernails that she glues on herself
while Kelly and several of the girls in The Group have salon fingernails.
For a girl wanting to be accepted by other girls, artificial fingernails are a
powerful tool. As a computer user, they are a hindrance. This is only one
of the irreducible tensions that Emma maintains as she struggles to be
herself.
Emma plays soccer on a winning team after school. One day she
tells me proudly that she was red-flagged at her last game for being too
aggressive. But Emma never plays soccer at school during recess. She says
she is better at using the computer and at playing soccer than Aaron, but
sits quietly while Aaron claims control of the mouse. It seems clear to me
that Emma knows what it takes to be a girl in this fifth grade classroom,
and that she desires to be accepted as one. She also desires to use the
computer the way she wants to, and to play soccer. These desires
sometimes overlap and sometimes contradict one another. How Emma
acts or refrains from acting to resolve the contradictions is unique to her.
That she faces these kinds of contradictory, and possibly irreducible,
tensions is not unique.
The patterns of self-referential discourse spoken by Emma are
echoed in the chorus of the fifth grade girls' voices (see Table 2.1). This
doesn't surprise me, having read that "Patterns of language in any
community are in accord with and mutually reinforce other cultural
patterns" (Heath 1983, p. 344). More often than Emma speaks positively of
herself as a thinker and knower, she says that she does not know
something. She also tells me that she never did something, doesn't have
something, and is not good at something. As a group, the girls referred to
themselves positively 128 times and negatively 62 times. By comparison,
21


the boys identified themselves positively 152 times and in the negative 44
times (see Table 2.2).
The girls make incomplete statements nine times while the boys
only do this twice. These statements are not completed because either
someone else interrupts, or the speaker interrupts herself or stops talking.
Most of the times that girls did this, they switched from speaking in the
first person and said things like "I need ... Want to go to Harriet
Tubman?" or "I,... this,... the questions got messed up."
Emma also interrupts herself when she begins to explain her
difficulties with her artificial fingernails. She begins to say, "I have ..."
and then changes to speaking in the second person, as if it is less risky to
single herself out as an "I." The event she describes is embarrassing
although one that any other girl might easily experience. She says, "you
Table 2.1
Girl Boy
Positive Negative or Interrupted Questions Positive Negative or Interrupted Question s
Thinking 26 31 3 Interrupted 26 21 2 Interrupted
Wanting or Needing 9 1 1 Interrupted 22 5
Feeling 5 1 2
Possessing 6 3 1 11 i
Doing 70 13 6 Interrupted 35 70 10 35
Being 12 3 19 3

Totals 128 62 36 148 43 36
Total number of I statements made by girls = 226
Total number of I statements made by boys = 227
22


Table 2.2
Speaking of Thinking (Therefore I am)
Girls Bovs
I think it would be, it'll take a long time. I know, that is in my own words.
I was thinking of something else. I know! This is the same one as ours.
I think it has good information! Oh! I guess I was standing on it.
I thought she was doing White, Catherine. I think I know.
I think, I think we should print this one out. I know how. I think hes done.
I think that's the same as this. Oh! I know. Dude, I know.
I think that will probably be it. I think if I move it. Yawee!
Yeah, I think so. I know, I've done that. I know-ow.
I wonder if he helped with the railroad. I know! Yahooligans!
I know which one it was. I know who vou could look up!
I thought it would be like, an award, vou I know what football shoes look like.
know. I know. I have this game.
I guess Smith is a word. No, 'cause I know the adults would handle
I already know about France. it.
Wait. I, I got an idea. Oh, I remember this! Oh, I know that.
I mean, there was no solution. I know a really sick thing to do with my
I know her email address. calculator.
I'm sure you think I don't know what youre I knew the arrow up and down would do
talking about! that, but not other keys.
Well, maybe, I think it would be cool if we I mean, like, is everybody in this group
printed this. gonna get a turn.
I think I know how you can get so tired at I know, people are always stealing my
school. pencils!
Iforgot what to do next. No, I forgot.
1 don't know. 1 don't know.
I don't think we need this.. I mean, its just a little... (Interrupted)
I'm not sure how I got here. I think we need (Intemcpted)
So l don't think it would do any good. I don't think they would wallk.
I don't think you want to put in Levi. I don't know. I don't think so.
I think, just, maby Levi... (Interrupted) I don't know.
I don't know. I didn 't know it was on. I don't know.
Idon't know. I don't think we should print that one.
Well, l think... I thought... (Interrupted) Dang! Iforgot the space.
I don't know, nty desk is kinda messy. I can't think of a title. I don't think so..
Dunno. 1 forgot my name. I didn't mean to do that.
1 don't think so. 1 didn't know it would do that!
Idon't get addition. I dont know. I don't think so.
Idon't know. I can't think of a title.
I don't know if it's really brown. I don "t think he got his name in.
I don't think our guy is in here.
I don't know.
I dont know anybody there.
Yeah, but I don't remember.
Idont know
Idont really think weneed any more on him.
I don't know where that is.
1 don't know.
I don't think so. I don't know.
I cant tell if this is a kid's disk.
1 don't think we need this. I don't know.
1 don't think we're finding too much here.
I do not know. Idon't know.
23


hold a pencil," and "you're used to holding it up close." These statements
assume that the listener (in this case, me) is the same as the speaker in that
we both have had difficulty with fingernails getting in the way of our use
of pencils and computers. There is evidence to support Emma's
assumption. I do not doubt that she has observed my painted fingernails
(although not artificial) and the occasional difficulty they create as I work
with computers.
The pattern of referring to oneself as a thinking subject is portrayed
in Table 2.3.1 have included all the statements made by kids as they sat at
the computer or talked about using the computer, referring to themselves
as subjects who think, know, guess, or mean something. This visual
representation is intended to communicate my interpretation of the
meaning of what the kids say to and hear from each other. The boys are
more clearly identified as thinking subjects. They speak of themselves as
knowing more often than they say that they do not know. Girls say that
they do not know twice as often as they say that they do know something.
They also hear themselves saying that they do not know much more often
than they hear boys admitting that they do not know something.
Looking more closely, I find multiple levels of meaning. Another
possible interpretation of these patterns of self-referential statements is
that girls say "I don't know" in order to avoid doing something they don't
want to do. Rose tells Ms. Forrest that she doesn't know where her
homework folder is, and therefore she doesn't have to leave the computer
to go hand it in. Statements of not knowing can signify another kind of
action. When Rose sits at the computer using the mouse to click on links
on the Internet, she says, "I don't think we are finding too much in here."
She is performing as an agent of computer use, and her statement can be
heard as a signifier for the action she takes as a competent agent. She
clicks to leave that Web page. She eventually finds some useful
24


Table 2.3
Speaking of Doing
Positive Statements of Doing by Girls
Saying That She's Going- to Get the Print Out
1 Misty says, 'Til go get it" and starts to get up.
2 Then Rose stands up, saying, 'Til go down to the computer lab."
3 Melissa says, "I'll go get it."
4 Rose says, "If you print anything else, I'll go get it."
5 Rose clicks print and gets up, saying, "I'm gonna go get the paper."
6 Rose tells the camera, "I'm gonna go to the printer."
7 Terri says, "Then I'll go get the other one."
8 Morgan "Well, I get to get this one. (from the printer)
9 Morgan says, "I get to get it."
10 Rose says, "Okay. I'll go get it."
11 Melissa says softly, "I'm going." (to the printer)
12 Melissa says, "I'll go get it."
13 Tiffany gets up and says, "I'll go get it"
Saying How Shes Using the Computer fwith mouse in hand)
1 Jill says to me as she clicks the mouse, "I'm gonna see what kind of poem that is."
2 Jill tells Rose, "I get dibs on the mouse" as she walks away from the computer.
3 Rose says, "I was using it before you!"
4 Rose turns to Jill and says, "I was using it before you were sitting here."
5 Emma clicks as she says, 'Til print that one, too
6 Kelly If we could do that, I'd do N'SYNC."
7 Emma tells her, "I saved your stuff."
8 Rose says, "Yeah, I read through the first part and it has some useful information."
9 Emma says, "I'm gonna put photographs. Thats better."
10 Rose says to Rick, "Nooo! I am!" (using the mouse)
11 Rose says, "Yeah, but I was sitting here, before that."
12 Emma says, '1 already chose that one.
13 Emma 'It's, like, I'll just sit here."
14 Jill says, "I've been waiting a long time."
15 Misty says, "Hey! I'm doing it!"
16 Emma tells me, "I was looking at that."
17 Emma tells me, "I use the computer at the library, mostly with my little brother."
18 Emma tells me, "I mosdy looks up stuff for N'SYNC, or about frogs."
19 Morgan tells me, "But I'm working on famous people, now."
Saying How She Uses the Computer (when not using the mouse!
1 Emma stands up and says, "I'll help her."
2 Emma gets up again and says, "I'll go help her."____
25


Table 2.3 (cont.)
3 Jill says, "Yeah, but I was using the mouse before you."
4 Jill says, "But I printed it!"
5 Kathy says, "I do it delete, delete."
6 Mary looks at me and says, "That one that I sat at once, it had lots of bookmarks."
7 Emma says, "I can help you."
8 Mary says, "I used the Writing Center."
9 Morgan "I saw one with a picture."
10 Emma says, "Here. I'll read what to do."
11 Tiffany says, as she scoots about two inches forward, 1 can see."
12 Mary says, 'T watched someone else play it once.
13 Morgan says, "I have." (played Math Blaster)
14 Mary tells me that she will check her email as soon as she gets home.
15 Emma says, "Look what I found! (on the Internet)
16 Emma says, "Here, I'll do it," and puts her hands on the keys.
17 Emma says, "And I even read Chinese to find it! (on the Internet)
Talk about Doing Other Actions at the Computer
1 Emma shrugs. Tm gonna do soccer again in the fall."
2 Misty looks at me and says, "I might cut my hair."
3 Jill asks me, "If I send one in, how long will it be before it gets in here?"
4 Jill says, 'T could beat you up."
5 Rose points to Ethan and says, "I swear, it looks like you have a booger .
6 Rose says, "Um,... I lost mine."
7 Rose says, "... and so I'll do that when I'm done.
8 Morgan says, "No, Ill write it. (information from the Internet onto the transparency)
9 Morgan says, "Wait! No. I wrote them." (on the transparency)
10 Terri says to me, "I studied Rosa Parks, (last year)
11 Terri 'T will." She takes all the printouts and walks away.
12 Rose gets up and says, 'Til go tell Ms. Woodard." (to send another group to the
computer)
13 Emma tells Aaron, "I'm talking to Jill!" (whos using the computer)
14 Emma says, I heard it on the radio."
15 Emma says, "Im going there for spring break.
16 Emma says, "Ill stack these chairs."
17 Emma says, "I can name all the different kinds of frogs my brother has."
18 Emma tells me, "I handle one kind of frog, but not all of em.
19 Emma says, "I bought my mom a frog.
20 Lisa says, "I am going to spend this summer in Nebraska with my mom."
21 Misty says looks at my notes and says, "She wrote that I was smiling."
Positive Statements of Doing by Boys
Going to Get Print Out
1. Aaron says, "And Ill go with him (to printer)
2. Ethan says, "No, I will" (go get it)
3. Ron gets up saying, "I'll go get it."
4. Tim stands up and says, "I'll go with you."
5. Tim raises his hand and says, "I'll go get it"
6. Luke says, I'll go get it. No! Let me see what it says."________________________
26


Table 2.3 (cont.)
7. Luke says, "I'll go." (to printer)
8. Will "No! I do!" (get to go)
9. Sam says, 'Til go down. (to printer)
10. Mark says, "__in the computer lab when I got there.
11. Nathan clicks to print and stands up, saying, "Ill go get (the print out)
12. Mark says, "There were when I went. (to get the print out)
13. Tim gets up and says, 'Til go get it," and leaves.
Using the Computer (with mouse in hand1)
1. Luke says, "No, I'll hit in Black History."
2. Luke says, "Oh, yeah. I just looked at underground...rail...road."
3. Luke says, "Dude! Man, if I were to print this whole thing, it would be,
4. Luke says, "Oh. Okay. I see. It's boring."
5. Then Tom says, 'I can do this all day, Bob!"
6. Tom says, "Dork! I can press anything and you cant do anything!"
7. Rick grabs the mouse and says, 'Now I can do it!"
8. Bob says, "Now I can do it!"
9. Bob says, "This is good. I'm gonna print it."
10. Luke "Yeah. My haiku. I wrote this all myself.
11. Luke says to nobody in particular, "So I might as well keep going."
12. Tim says, "I just name it 'cool.'"
13. Nathan says, 'Yeah. No! I did it in the library."
14. Nathan says, "I'm trying to put this in the middle of the line."
15. Tom says, "Now I can build another railroad." (on the screen)
16. Tom says, "Look! I can make the numbers go up!"
17. Mark says, 'Til print it again.
18. Rick says, "Oh, yeah! I printed, too."
19. Sam says, 'Til go! and gets into Tim's chair.
20. Aaron says, I have to play it just about every day."
Using the Computer (but not the mouse)
Ron says, Tve been entirely recommending it."
Bob says, "And I can sit wherever I want."
Aaron says, 'You click and I'll type it in."
Tom, "Im gonna press apple-Q."
Rick says, "I'll control this, then."
Jerry tells Will, "I always shoot the bottom ones first.
Some boys tell her, "I did." (print in the library)
Rick says,"Sometimes I email my friend, Anthony.
Rick says, "Sometimes I call Anthony." (on the phone)
Rick says, 'T tell him to get on line."
Aaron says, Tm waiting for the computer."
Talk about Doing Other Actions at the Computer
1. Tom makes some kind of promise, "I swear Til let you .. "
2. Tom says, 'Tm going to say something."
3. Ethan tells her," I'm just telling you."___________________________
27


Table 2.3 (cont.)
4. Luke says, "I swear!"
5. Luke says, "I was gonna say!
6. Mark says, "I read about that.
7. Tom. says, "I was fighting."
8. Tom says, "There, I'll share. I'll share. (the chair)
9. Then Ethan asks, "What's number five? I'll write it.'
10. Ron touches it, saying, 'T gotta fix this." (microphonae)
11. Luke tells me, "Hang on. Im gonna put them in ordSer.
12. Luke stands up and says, "I'll staple these."
13. Luke tells me they did. 1 seen 'em!"
14. Luke tells me, 'T went to a museum about her."
15. Ron turns to Will and says, "Man! And I studied!"
16. Rick laughs and says, I just heard the name.
17. Aaron says, "I'm gonna paint mine black like Denniis Rodman."
18. Nathan "I scrubbed my elbow, but it wouldnt come off. It's the disease."
19. Aaron says again, "I'm gonna paint my nails like Dennis Rodman."
20. Tom says, "I'm going to Florida."
21. Sam says, "I'll give it to him!" (the print out)
22. Tim says, "Here! I'll take it." (the print out)
23.
24. Tim says, "Since you know this, Ill go get somebody.
25. Sam then tells me, 'T saw a TV show where a girl rmade this exact same recipe."
26. Sam says, "Look what I'm gonna make!"
27. Rick says, "I bet nobody cares!"
Negative or Incomplete Statements oof Doing by Girls
1. Morgan says, "I didn't finish them."
2. Morgan begins to answer, "I,.. .this,.. .the questions got messed up."
3. Morgan says, 'T can't" but takes the print outs anyway.
4. Jill says, "I was,.. it's just a stupid poem."
5. Jill says, "I don't see any photos."
6. Terri turns back to Kathy and says, "I dont see it.
7. Kathy says, 1 dont. My brother always hogs it."
8. Mary says, "I could,... We could try, uhm_"
9. Emma says, "I already chose that one"
10. Morgan mutters, "Like I'm not going to run down thne hill after him."
11. Melissa says, "No, I didn't! (restart the search)
12. Mary says to me, "I havent worked with you on thes computer, have I?"
13. Mary says, I haven't gotten to use the computer."
14. Mary says, I haven't gotten to use the computer all jyear!
15. Tiffany says, 'Well, I..." and laughs, too.
16. Emma tells me, "I wasn't looking at that." (on the scareen)
17. Kelly asks, "Should I click the, uhm,..."
18. Emma says, 'T would print it,... But it's too long."
19. Kathy appears to be talking to herself, she says, "Oha, I should've just..."_
28


Table 2.3 icont.)
Negative or Incomplete Statements of Doing by Boys
1. Luke says, "I can't even read this! (text on the screen)
2. Luke says, "u-n-d-e-r,.. .u,.. .1 cant find the 'n.'"
3. Luke says, "I did not!" (spell something wrong)
4. Luke turns to me and says, "They said I spelled it wrong. And I didn't spell it
wrong!"
5. Rick tells Misty to play it again. "I didn't hear it all," he says, (video clip)
6. Ethan tells Melissa a number to click and says, Tm not lying."
7. Ethan complains, "I didn't get any points for that!"
8. At one point, Jerry says, "I wouldnt do that."
9. Sam yells out to Ms. Forrest, "I didnt get to print a recipe!"
10. Aaron looks at me and says, 'T havent used the computer, yet."
Questions of Doing bv Girls
1- Rose says, "Underground Railroad. Good. Can I?"
2. Lisa asks, "Should I get that picture?"
3. Rose asks me, "Should I print this out?"
4. Jill approaches Rose from the other side and says, "Rose! Can I please use the
mouse?
5. Rose says, "Do you want me to go ahead and print it?"
6. Terri rubs her nose and asks me, "Should I wait?"
7. Terri asks Kathy, "What do I do?"
8. Kelly asks me, "Should I go to Netscape?"
9. Kelly says, "Should I go to Next?
10. Kelly says, "Uhm. Should I put 'slavery' in here?"
11. Kelly says, "Do you want me to go back?"
12. Kelly asks, "Should I go there?"
13. Kelly says, "Should I do 'Education?"
14. Kelly says, "Should I go to 'Purpose'?"
15. Mary says, "So, should I go? (to the printer)
16. Emma says, "Can I go?" (to the search engine)
17. Kathy says, "Did I spell it right?"
18. Jill asks, "Should I print?"
19. Emma appears and asks me, "Can I use the computer after him?"
20. Emma says, "Now I print, right?"
21. Misty asks me, "Should I save it?"
22. Emma says, "Can I finish this first?"
23. Emma asks me, "Okay, so what do I do?"
24. Emma says as she clicks, "Now how do I get out of here?
25. Kathy asks me, "Should I go tell them?" (to come to the computer)
26. Misty asks me, "What do I do next?"
27. Mary raises her hand and asks, "Can I go to the computer?"
28. Melissa asks me, "Can I look at stuff?
29. Tiffany says, "Now what do I do?"
30. Emma asks me, "Can I go ahead and quit this?
31. Tiffany says, 'What do I do?"___________________
29


Table 2.3 (cont.)_________________________________________________________________
32. Kathy says, "You're, like, what am I supposed to do?"
33. Kelly says, "Okay, what do I do here?
34. Morgan asks me, "I dont have to copy the whole thing do I?
35. Emma says, "So Im using this, huh?" and pushes it away.
Questions of Doing by Boys
1. Mark pulls down the menu to Yahoo and asks, "Should I go there?"
2. Marks asks, "Could I print this?"
3. Ethan asks me, "Could I videotape?"
4. Tom says, "Can I go get it?" Ethan says, Yeah.
5. Will asks me, "Do you want me to go down and get them?" (to the printer)
6. Sam says, "Did you want me to do Nat Turner?"
7. Luke asks me, "Hey! Can I use this computer?"
8. Sam asks, "Should I go there?
9. Sam asks, "Should I go to Biography?"
10. Sam asks me in a whisper, "Can I print something for myself?"
11. Luke says, "Dude! Can I go? (to the printer)
12. Luke says, "Can I go get it?"
13. Tom asks me, "Should I press escape?"
14. Bob says to Rick, "I know a really sick thing to do with my calculator. Want me to do
it?"
15. Aaron says to me, "Can I see what you are writing?"
16. Sam asks me, "How do I move all the words down?"
17. Aaron turns to me and asks, "Can you read this? Or should I change to a different
font?"
18. Aaron says, "Okay, what do I do now, since it's time to go?"
19. Tim says, "Finally! I'm done! Now what do I do?"
20. Will asks me, "Where do I put the disk?
21. Nathan asks, "Should I go get my printing?"
22. Nathan asks, "Should I get out of this? Just quit?"
23. Mark asks, "Should I put my name in?"
24. Rick looks at us and says, "What? Oh, what should I do with these?" (print outs)
25. Nathan says, "What should I do?
26. Nathan says, again, ""What should I do?"
27. Nathan asks, "Should I print?
28. Sam comes up to me and asks, "If I get on, can I print?"
29. Sam asks me about the video camera, "Can I move it?"
30. Ethan asks me, "Can I do Level One?
31. Will says, "Uh oh, what should I do next?"
32. Aaron says, "Should I get on? (the computer)
33. Bob says, "Can I have some free time?" (on the computer)
34. Ron asks, "Can I do the camera?"
35. Ron asks again, "Can I do the camera?"________________________________________
30


information and prints it. Language is not some monolithic force that
makes kids into thinkers or non-thinkers. However, language is a tool that
shapes its user. It can empower, but it can also "constrain or limit the
forms of action we undertake" (Wertsch 1998, p. 39). I am concerned that
girls hear over and over again that girls "don't know."
Speaking of Being (Therefore I Am)
The kids speak of themselves as doers, as agents by saying "I am"
one who prints, goes places, presses keys, uses the video camera or the
mouse, controls the computer, and acts in other ways. As I analyzed these
statements, I was at first surprised to see that girls spoke of themselves as
agents 124 times and boys 115 times. But when I looked more closely, I
realized that girls often said things like "If you print anything else, I'll go
get it" but then did not "go get it." In several cases, boys worked together
to thwart the girls' attempt to act. Sometimes I told them to wait, or not to
go now, or not to do that. Sometimes Ms. Forrest intervened, and
sometimes the events just didn't seem to allow for the declared action.
This happened to boys, too, but not nearly as often. Because the influence
of language is not always the same, I can argue here that the kids are
learning that girls talk about doing things more than they do them. I
realize that this may seem like I am arguing from both sides of the fence,
but the same tool can be used in many different ways. How the kids in
Ms. Forrest's class use language, and how the language shapes them,
occur in a larger cultural context with a history of mutual reinforcement.
George Mead spoke about this mutual shaping of an individual
and the social world of that individual. As I read his words, I realized that
Mead's individuals were male and only spoke to themselves and each
other with the voice of reason. That frustrated me. But what I heard that
resonated deeply within me were words such as "We are engaged in a
j
31


conversation in which what we say is listened to by the community and its
response is one which is affected by what we have to say" (Mead 1934, p.
168). He also spoke of identity as movement, of how it is "a process in
which the individual is continually adjusting himself in advance to the
situation to which he belongs, and reacting back on it" (Mead 1934, p.
179).
The situation in which the kids in Ms. Forrest's class find
themselves has been shaped by history and culture and comes into being
through everyday life events. Picking up the threads of George Mead and
Lev Vygostky, Michael Cole weaves a cultural-historical activity theory
that "assumes that individuals are active agents in their own development
but do not act in settings entirely of their own choosing" (Cole, 1996, p.
104). I listened to Barrie Thome talk about kids' agency (Thome 1997) and
see it in Emma and the others in Ms. Forrest's class. They shape each other
and themselves as they speak and interact within the context of their
classroom, their community, their culture, their world.
The context of culture frames the landscape of our lives and the
language we speak within it. Donna Haraway discusses how we (women
and men) situate our knowledges within specific contexts (Haraway 1991).
Writers of science fiction and fantasy often explore alternative cultures
and show how we frame ourselves within our own. Reading Donna
Haraway connected me with Marge Piercy and her fictional "feminist
utopia" (Piercy 1976). The inhabitants of Marge Piercy's imagined culture
do not speak using gendered pronouns. For she or he, the word person is
spoken. The possessive pronoun for all people is per. In the following
vignette, I wrote up a set of fieldnotes using Piercy's tool for diminishing
the influence of gender. The two kids who sat at the computer with me
were a girl and a boy in Ms. Forrest's class. I gave them each a second
pseudonym that can be a girl's or a boy's name. I feel that the
32


awkwardness of the text comes from our dependence on framing a person
as gendered. This sense of unnaturalness also emphasizes the importance
of gender in interpreting a person's identity and how the language we use
to talk about one another limits our understanding.
Per Perfectly Gender-Free Language
I ask the teacher if I should stay and work with a couple
of kids or go with the entire class to the library first. After a
moment of thought, the teacher says, "Thats a good idea.
Siue. Why cant a couple of kids just stay?" Turning to the
class and calling Chris and Pat, the teacher tells them to stay
and work with me in the room and then to come to the
library when they are done so someone else can come and
work here on the computer.
While walking towards the door, the teacher asks me if
the kids are supposed to be printing this stuff out.
Since I didn't hear any clear instructions from the
librarian regarding printing, I say that they could be.
The teacher says, "I think that they should be," then tells
the first kid in line to go. They all leave.
Chris gets a chair and sits down first, sitting in front of
the mouse and resting per hand on it.
Pat brings up a chair and looks at Chris and says, "Just a
minute. I'll be right back." Pat goes to a desk and takes two
stuffed animals out of a backpack hanging over the chair,
then comes and sits down and arranges the animals on the
clipboard balanced on per knees.
I look at them and Pat shows me that one is a dragon and
one is a hedgehog. I take the dragon as I exclaim, "A dragon!
I like dragons." I hold it and turn it over, moving the wings
and tail. I notice from the tag sewn in a seam that it's not a
real Beanie Baby, it's made by a company named Ty. As I
give the dragon back, Pat tells me, "I just got the hedgehog."
I turn to Chris who has been sitting quietly at the
computer watching Pat and I talk about the stuffed animals.
Chris is still holding the mouse, but hasn't done anything to
start. I notice that the desk around the computer is littered
with papers. There are some on the keyboard and I pick
them up and set them to the side. When I finish, Chris looks
at me and asks, "Netscape?"
33


I say, "Yeah."
Chris clicks the Netscape icon to start. For the next 45
minutes, the three of us sit in front of the computer
searching for information for the students' state booklets. We
spend a lot of time waiting for pages to load in. We talk
mostly about what we see on the computer screen or what
the computer is doing. Between some intervals of silence,
there are brief discussions about the content of the Web
pages and whether or not it meets the requirements for their
assignment. I take advantage of some of die wait time to ask
them questions. As the time passes, I expect Pat to tell us
that its per turn, or to ask about getting per turn. Pat does
not reach for the mouse or tell Chris what to click on or to
hurry up. Pat looks at what Chris is doing and comments on
it, but does not seem impatient to get to per turn with the
mouse.
Initially, Chris wants to search for famous people
because that's next in the sequence of questions in the state
booklet. This is a pattern I have noticed with the students.
They don't search for the items that the librarian told them
they had to use the Internet for. Instead, they just go from
question to question. I watch Chris try to find a page on a
famous person, but without a name the searching produces
no useable results. When I ask about a name to search for,
then Chris opens up per book to the famous people page
and shows me one.
I take the book and flip through until I find the
restaurant page and show per the directions that require
using the Internet. Chris agrees that looking for a restaurant
instead of a famous person would be better. Typing in
"restaurant" for the search generates links that do not have
enough information or just won't load in.
As the time passes without useful results, Chris seems to
lose interest. I don't hear any attempt to initiate conversation
with Pat or me as we wait for pages to appear on the screen.
I wonder if Pat and Chris were friends, whether Chris would
be more relaxed and talkative, maybe even enjoying the wait
time more.
During one of these wait times, I ask them if they have a
computer at home. Pat speaks up right away. Pat tells me
about the computer at home, but it's in per big sister's
bedroom and per sister never lets Pat in there. Pat is about to
get an iMac of per own. Because Pat's dad won't buy email,
34


whenever they get an AOL disk in the mail, Pat uses the free
hours up right away. Pat also uses the computer at per
friend's house.
Chris tells me that there is no computer at home, but
there is one in the clubhouse of per apartment building that
Chris uses. When I ask, I am told that Chris uses it alone and
that there is not usually anybody else using it. No waiting in
line or anything. Then Chris tells me about going to spend
this summer in Nebraska with per mom. When I ask Chris
for more information about this, suddenly the words spill
out. This is important stuff! Chris now lives with per dad.
Per mom recently moved to Nebraska and Chris admits to
being excited. Chris doesn't know anybody in Nebraska, but
is excited about going there because per mom has told per
that it's a small town where you don't even have to lock your
door. This is the longest speech I have heard Chris make.
During another wait time, Pat asks me about the blue
and white ribbon I have pinned to my shirt. I explain that its
in honor of all the people who died at Columbine. Pat tells
me that per cousins had friends who died there. Chris tells
me about knowing somebody who knows somebody who
died there.
I ask them if they think anything like that could happen
here.
Both Pat and Chris say, "No."
Then Pat tells me about per experience at another school
when some older kids came with cans of spray paint and
started spraying kids on the playground. Pat describes how
the teachers and other adults called all the kids up to the
building and took care of it.
I ask if Pat was afraid while that was happening. The
confident response is, "No, because I know the adults would
handle it." I wonder how any adult could handle it when it's
kids shooting guns and realize how fragile that sense of
safety is for kids, to be relying on adults to protect them.
Finally Chris finds something to print. While clicking the
print icon, Chris turns to me and asks, "Can I go get it?" I
say, "Sure."
When Chris leaves, Pat gets up and sits in per chair and
looks for some information on New York state. Chris returns
shortly and sits silently in what was Pat's chair, looking over
the print out.
35


Pat clicks efficiently and silently, without asking either
Chris or me for help. This search quickly turns up something
useful and Pat clicks to print.
Chris offers to go get the printout.
Pat says, "Okay."
As Chris stands up, I say, "Why don't you let Pat get
Pats, and then you can find the next thing for your state?"
Chris nods, Pat leaves, and Chris moves into Pat's chair
and takes the mouse.
I am suddenly aware that we don't have much time left.
A sense of urgency to produce something to show the
teacher takes hold of me. I reach for the mouse and take
over. I make quick choices and talk out loud about what I
am doing. I think I am showing and telling Chris that
thorough reading and considering is not always the best
approach to using the Internet. I soon find something useful.
At this point, I let Chris take the mouse and look the page
over. Chris prints and goes to get the printout.
Within a couple of minutes of Chris's departure, Pat
comes in and we find one last item. Pat clicks to print it just
as the other kids begin to return. Pat goes to get the last print
out.
I tell the teacher that they both found everything that
they needed, earning a smile and the exclamation, "Good!"
I verify my next observation time with the teacher and
then leave the classroom.
In this vignette, I presented Lisa as someone named Chris, and
Aaron as someone named Pat. Aaron is one of the boys in Ms. Forrest's
class who often gets picked on by the other kids. He is physically larger
than most of the kids, and the second or third tallest in the class. He is an
active member of the Boy Scouts and a confident computer user. Ms.
Forrest tells me that he is one of the two boys that cried in class during the
year. He also spontaneously gave her a goodbye hug on the last day of
school. He once brought a rubber chicken to school and showed me when
Ms. Forrest wasn't looking. He told me he didn't bring the chicken to the
computer lab because it only had three fingers and couldn't use the
keyboard. Aaron was extremely sociable, he seemed to enjoy talking with
36


people, and I never saw him challenge or express resentment toward Ms.
Forrest or myself.
I wish I could write as much about Lisa. Lisa is a very quiet girl
who I didn't notice much during my research. I was surprised to hear her
talk at length and with such enthusiasm about visiting her mother in
Nebraska. I am not surprised that I took control of the mouse away from
Lisa when I felt like we were not getting the job done. This kind of help
was given to girls more often than boys by everyone from other girls to
me, the supposedly neutral observer.
This exercise in gender-free writing helped me to see how the lens
of gender distorts my vision. Reading it also irritates me; it seems
unnatural, as unnatural as Judith Butler's claims that there presently exists
a proliferation of genders that have yet to be articulated "within the
discourses that establish intelligible cultural life" (Butler 1990, p. 149). This
gender-free writing highlights the tool-like characteristic of language, how
it both empowers and limits. "How we live our lives as conscious thinking
subjects, and how we give meaning to the material social relations under
which we live and which structure our everyday lives, depends on the
range and social power of existing discourses, our access to them and the
political strength of the interests which they represent" (Weedon 1987, p.
26). The range of language that we currently use to discuss, analyze, and
describe gender is very limited. Limited to two. The set of attributes that is
often associated with the masculine is assumed in our use of language to
be Man, and to be good, noble, better than the other, which is spoken of as
none other than Woman.
At the time, I am surprised to hear Lisa talk about visiting her mom
as we sit at the computer. Now I have the language to understand my
sense of surprise. Computer activity is not supportive for discussing
feelings and emotional relationships. In Table 2.1,1 noticed that only eight
37


statements were made by the kids to identify themselves as persons with
feelings. Six of those statements were made by girls, including one where
Emma tells the other kids that she doesn't care what they print. When it's
just Emma and me sitting at the computer, she often lets go of the mouse,
turns to look at me, and talks about her feelings. This is what Lisa did as
we waited for a Web page to load in. Emma did talk about liking one of
the members of N'SYNC as she and I looked at the groups Web page, but
she couldn't say why. During my session with Aaron and Lisa, Aaron sits
back from the computer and talks to me about Columbine and his
relationship to the kids who died there. He is willing enough to talk with
me rather than use the mouse, but in a different context, he tells Emma
that he gets the mouse. And he does.
Languaging Identity
The way the kids talked to me at the computer differed from the
ways they talked to each other. My overall impression at the time was that
the boys were constantly challenging me, trying to do things their way,
messing around behind my back and resisting my attempts to engage
them in the task at hand. When I looked at the self-referential statements
the boys made when they asked me questions, however, I found that even
during those times where I felt a sense of establishing camaraderie with
the boys, they asked me for permission to do things much more often than
the girls did. The way I make sense of this is by looking at how boys are
gendered. As Deborah Tannen points out, they learn to be primarily
concerned with their place in a hierarchical order. With this in mind, I can
claim that they move between recognizing my position as one of authority
or challenging my "authority as they would challenge a man's ... [as a]...
a sign of respect" (Tannen 1990, p. 128).
38


With the girls, I often found myself sitting quietly, with our heads
together, looking over a print out or at the screen. The girls asked each
other and me for permission to do things less often than the boys did. The
questions the girls asked were as often about how to do something, or in
the case of Kathy talking with Tiffany, to indicate sympathy or a shared
experience. As Tiffany struggles to figure out what to do during a fast-
paced math game, Kathy says, "You're like, 'What am I supposed to do?"'
Tiffany responds, "Well, I..." and finishes her statement by laughing.
Sometimes the girls would ask me for permission to do something, but
this was more likely to occur in a situation where boys were also present.
It seemed that once someone spoke to me as an authority who could grant
permission, that identification was taken up by everyone. How can silence
compete with language when speaking immediately frames the context as
competitive?
This is where I listen to the voice of Gregory Bateson whose
"metalogues" were written as conversations between himself (F) and his
daughter, Mary Catherine (D). This kind of "conversation should be such
that not only do the participants discuss the problem but the structure of
the conversation as a whole is also relevant to the same subject" (Bateson
2000, p. 1). The following piece of a metalogue follows a previous one
about how people continually make rules about things and then meddle,
or break them, and how impossible it is to make enough rules to prevent
all the ways that people can break the rules.
D: What are the really big differences between people and
animals?
F: Wellintellect, language, and tools. Things like that.
D: And is it easy for people to be intellectually objective in
language and about tools?
F: That's right.
D: But that must mean that in people there is a whole set of
ideas or whatnot which are all tied together. A sort of second
39


creature within the whole person, and that second creature
must have a quite different way of thinking about
everything. An objective way.
F: Yes. The royal road to consciousness and objectivity is
through language and tools.
D: But what happens when this creature looks at all those
parts of the person about which it is difficult for people to be
objective? Does it just look? Or does it meddle?
F: It meddles.
D: And what happens?
F: That's a very terrible question.
D: Go on. If we are going to study animals, we must face
that question.
F: Well... The poets and artists know the answer better than
the scientists (Bateson 2000, p. 49).
When I read these metalogues, I hear the suggestion that language
and thought are tools that structure what I can say and think, and that this
structuring also limits the possibilities of what I can create using it. In one
of the metalogues, Gregory Bateson writes that the daughter is weeping
and the father apologizes by saying that he "was angry. But not really
angry at you. Just angry at the general mushiness of how people act and
think" (Bateson 2000, p. 28). I hear the frustration and anger that the father
and daughter feel as they struggle to talk about this structuring, to push
beyond the limits of language, to meddle with the way language is used,
to break the rules, to create space for themselves to work through their
confusion and uncertainty, to learn something important, to become
someone who uses language differently. As confusing and frustrating as it
is to try to use language differently, I can also see many benefits from
attempting to do so.
One benefit is to frame the picture larger than just being a girl or
just being a boy. Using Foucault's conception of power as "the multiplicity
of force relations immanent in the sphere in which they operate and which
constitute their own organizations" (Foucault 1978, p. 92), I can
understand that within the either/or dichotomy, not only does the
40


creation of a position of power also create the possibility to resist it, but
resistance can never completely destroy the structure of the dichotomy.
Resistances "are inscribed in the relations of power as an irrredudble
opposite" (Foucault 1978, p.96) Just as George Mead proposes that a man
may "stand out by himself over against" (Mead, 1934, p. 168) the whole
world, so he reproduces the separatist, oppositional dichotomy of
self/other. In her framework of participatory consciousness, Lous
Heshusius suggests that a unity of "selfother" (Heshusius L994) may help
me to understand the kids in Ms. Forrest's class in a differemt way. I also
hear the voice of Anne Carolyn Klein, who speaks of movimg beyond a
structure of hierarchy; "Difference itself is not conflict; it talkes an ideology
of sameness to configure it that way" (Klein, 1995 p. 81).
Another benefit of embracing the painful and confusing process of
learning to use language differently is that it allows for escape horn the
double bind of gender. "When a person is caught in a doublle bind
situation, he ... will take a metaphorical statement literally when he is in a
situation where he must respond, where he is faced with coontradictory
messages, and when he is unable to comment on the contra.dictions"
(Bateson 2000, p. 209). The situation can be a double bind omly if the
person is unable to talk about the way she is being talked to, that is, she
"cannot make a metacommunicative statement" (Bateson 20000, p. 208).
Schools are places where students learn the rules and etiquette of
communication, but they rarely engage in discussions abouit how the
individuals within a particular classroom talk to each other..
I also see possibilities in Michel Foucault's words; "1ruth is a thing
of this world: it is produced only by virtue of multiple formas of constraint.
And it induces regular effects of power" (Foucault 1980, p. 1131). This is
how I understand his claim that knowledge is power. Whether I think of it
with the word knowledge or the word truth, I can only think about it and
41


talk about it using the tools I have. Creating new tools and allowing for
tinkering, disrupting, and exploring with language, can open up new
possibilities, new ways to be powerful, new ways to be.
Room Enough for Many Voices
As an elementary school teacher, I can say that I have a room of my
own. This writing is one way that I create understanding about what goes
on in my classroom, about what I am teaching and learning, about what
my students teach me, and some ideas about what they are learning. This
piece of writing is also, in a way, a room of my own. I have tried to write it
my way, in my own voice, as a way to describe my experience as
woman / teacher /
researcher/student. For inspiration, I listen to a voice that not only
challenged the traditional forms of writing but also spoke about how
writing works to shape authors. In her speech A Room of One's Own,
Virginia Woolf talks about how important it is for a woman to have a
room of her own. Because most elementary school teachers are women,
and because it feels appropriate to my experience, I include her words. I
find a great deal of insight and inspiration in her discussion of this most
necessary kind of roominess. "One goes into the roombut the resources
of the English language would be much put to the stretch, and whole
flights of words would need to wing their way illegitimately into existence
before a woman could say what happens when she goes into a room"
(Woolf 1929, p. 87). Having a room of her own in which to write without
interruption or worry about her dependence on a masculine structure of
support (and limitation), a woman would discover the freedom to
discover herself, her voice, her woman's way of writing.
This speaks to me of the necessity of poetry, of whole flights of
illegitimate words winging into existence. It speaks to me of the value of
42


difference, for "if two sexes are quite inadequate, considering the vastness
and variety of the world, how should we manage with one only?" [Woolf
1929, p. 88). It suggests to me that if alternative forms of academic writing
proliferate, we, all of us, might feel freer to learn something, to become
someone new. For myself, the new person I desire to be is one who speaks
clearly and in her own voice. I am beginning by building my own room,
placing myself within it, and speaking loudly in my own voice. I want to
listen to what I am saying without immediately, compulsively labeling it
as "typically woolly female logic" (Aristophanes 1964, p. 60) and stamping
the label with the force of thousands of years. Like Susan Krieger, I often
measure myself against the traditional standard and judge myself as
failing long before I ever speak a thought out loud. I find that "the
temptation to self-censor is often overwhelming" (Krieger 1991, p. 201),
and I envision this dissertation as one way to move through or grow out
of the cultural constraints of my gender as I simultaneously learn about
how my students are constrained by the cultural artifacts of language,
computers, classroom structures, social interactions, and myself.
As trim to edge this bit of word weaving, I include a recent poem
written over the course of several months. I found it was a way to
communicate some of the anger and frustration that I struggle with as I
think about the gendering strategies that enmesh everyone in schools
everywhere. Most of all, I want to develop a sense of myself beyond the
boundaries that limit me out of fear or shame or that drive me to act out of
a sense of competition. I don't, however, want to develop into some
idealized form of huManity.
growth and development
february 16 to april 14,2000
43


when i grow up
(i haven't, yet)
i want to be
a blade of grass
whose memory is
shorter than my width.
my painful explosion from the seed,
the dark struggles through the dirt
forgotten
as i bend like my sibs under the wind
gratefully drinking in the sun
together, first
moist, juicy green
then
dry, harvest brown
then green
again.
when i grow up
(don't let the looks deceive you!)
i want to be
a little black bird
drawing in my red-striped wings
to suddenly
drop onto that exact spot
on tire head of a cattail,
trusting, not only
it will bear my body
but, singing out loud
in exuberant reveille,
at the swing and sway
of us
over the ice-edged
water.
when i grow up
(i realize i'm not there now)
i will be
a woman moving
from the periphery,
no longer perching on the edge
of my heart,
but working to reclaim
44


this territory ceded long before
childishly,
the right to dance across it
lightly,
to nurse my own wounds
gently,
to sing with lungs expanded
loudly,
powered by the full force
of my own blood
moving through me
continually.
blade, bird, breath, and blood
i wonder at what
you may have been telling me all along
(i thought you were protesting my age!)
that i might be
all this and more
by simply
being
45


CHAPTER 3
THE BODY SPEAKS
Reo was both repelled and fascinated by the Mundugumor.
They struck some note in him that was thoroughly alien to
me, and working with them emphasized aspects of his
personality with which I could not empathize. His way of
treating illness in himself was to go out and climb a
mountain, however raging his fever, in order to fight the
sickness out of his system. When we were first married, he
had taken care of me very gently during my first attack of
malariawhich is frightening because one gets so cold that
it is hard to believe one will ever be warm again and stop
shaking. But later, as I became more of a wifeand so a part
of himhe turned on me the same fierceness with which he
treated his own fevers (Mead 1972, p. 206).
Late in the afternoon the launch pulled in at Kankanamun,
the Iatmul village where Gregory Bateson was working. We
walked up to his crazy screen room that had a tree growing
through the roof so his catand of course the mosquitoes
could come and go at will. The long hours under the brilliant
sun on the river had been exhausting. After the first greeting
as we came inside, Gregory looked at me and said, "You're
tired," and pulled out a chair. I sank into it feeling that these
were the first cherishing words I had heard from anyone in
all the Mundugumor months (Mead 1972, p. 208).
Only love can heal the wounds of the past. However, the
intensity of our woundedness often leads to a closing of the
heart, making it impossible for us to give or receive the love
that is given to us. To open our hearts more fully to love's
power and grace we must dare to acknowledge how little we
know of love in both theory and practice. We must face the
confusion and disappointment that much of what we were
taught about the nature of love makes no sense when
applied to daily life (hooks 2000, p. xxix)
46


Sometimes I think our em-bodies are like clay shaped on a
potter's wheel... .In the potter's studio are millions of
vessel-bodies, continuously being formed, functioning
according to their purpose, breaking down, being remade as
something new... .After hundreds of thousands of millions
of years, every particle of clay has passed through every
kind of vessel. Every body has particles that have
"belonged" to every other body. The vessel-bodies are so
tightly packed that there is no distance between them, one
shape curving into the next, a valley in one is a hill in
another. So close that molecules interpenetrate. What is the
clay? Who is the potter? (Bays, 1997, p.172)
Incorporating the Past
In the beginning, I approached my research from an intellectual,
disembodied place. I thought only about minds, not at all about bodies.
Like many other computer enthusiasts, I accepted that the computer was a
useful model for human thinking, that it was a kind of "second self
(Turkle 1984). Like Sherry Turkle, my notice of the bodies of my students
was minimal. In the 362 pages reporting her research on the ways people
compare themselves to computers, she discusses human biology in one
paragraph. Bodies are not mentioned, except to say that a computer is "a
being not bom of a mother, that does not feel the vulnerability of
childhood, a being that does not know sexuality or anticipate death and
"as the children tell it, we are distinguished from the machines by love
and affection, by spiritual urges and sensual ones, by the excitement that
attaches to heroism, and by the warmth and familiarity of domesticity"
(Turkle 1984, p. 311). Its interesting that only children speak of the
benefits of being human. As an adult, I sometimes found myself thinking
that human biology was a weakness that computers did not share. This
attitude was supported by cultural influences like the Star Trek character,
Mr. Spock, who constantly complained about the illogical behavior of
47


humans, and phrases like "the biological barrier" a label used in the
military to explain the counter-productive effects of efforts to make fighter
jets faster or more technologically advanced. The jet fighter pilots could
not respond any faster, nor could they be upgraded beyond their
biological limitations.
My first piece of research was a very traditional, statistical analysis,
except perhaps that I studied some of my own students in the school were
I was working as the computer lab teacher. I created a survey of computer
use and gave it to the fourth grade students in the school I call Green
River Elementary. I also collected their reading levels as identified by their
classroom teachers, then I searched for any possible correlation between
their computer use and their reading level. I was surprised that I did not
find any statistically significant correlation to reading. One significant
difference that did emerge was the difference in attitude toward using the
computer. Boys and girls rated their computer skills equally highly, but
the girls were more likely to admit that they did not like to use the
computer. As a group, they did not think that using a computer was fun
(Goff, 1995). Individually, they spoke of personal preferences, of choices
or decisions each made about what she thought was fun; that list rarely
included using a computer.
I felt very confused by this finding. I knew of research claiming that
girls and women continually fell behind boys and men in computer
science courses and careers (Askar, 1992; Bryson & DeCastel, 1996; Clarke,
1996; Frenkel, 1990; Kirkpatrick, 1998; Kirkup, 1992; Turkle, 1991). I just
didn't think that was happening with my students. After all, I was their
computer teacher, and I was a woman. Wasn't that enough to show the
girls that they could enjoy using the computer?
Although some girls did speak of using the computer at home to
play games or to chat with others on the Internet, I clearly did not
48


understand how any of them were seeing themselves in relation to the
computer. As I began my next study, I realized that in order for me to
comprehend what girls and boys are learning about themselves as
computer learners, I needed a method that was sensitive to the complexity
of individual experience, the external forces that define gender and
constrain identities, and the process of learning. I wanted to better
understand how my students experience their computer-using identities.
What is my role in that experience? Would it be possible to encourage
more of it at school? Would I want to do that? Before I try to change the
way things are, I want to better understand what is happening as girls and
boys construct their identities in school.
This led me to studying the kids in Mrs. Sanchez's second grade
class as they used the computers in her classroom. I was a participant
observer for three months and acted as the computer expert. I observed,
fixed the printers, installed software, assisted the kids who needed help
using the computers, took field notes, wrote up my notes within 24 hours
of my observations, and interviewed the teacher and several of the kids.
In my writing, I use the word kids rather than children or students.
"The word 'children' evokes the 'adult-ideological viewpoint' (Thome
1997, p. 9) and unduly emphasizes the hierarchical aspects of the
child/adult relationship. This dichotomous relation did sometimes
influence the kids and the adults in this classroom. Ms. Forrest and I most
often used the word kids in situations where we were distinguishing them
from us. The students sometimes did this, too. At one point, Melissa asks
Tom if the computer disk she is holding is a kid's disk, because she wants
to save her work, and she knows she is not to use the teacher's disk for
that purpose. Kids or children, everyone knew who were the adults and
who got to make the big decisions and most choices. Calling them kids
feels to me to be more appropriate than children even if the sense of
49


appropriateness is fictitious. I could call them students, but that name does
not give adequate recognition to the fact that they were so often my
teachers.
During my study of Mrs. Sanchez's class, I learned a lot about
research techniques and the logistics of conducting research in a
classroom. More importantly, I learned a lot about myself as a researcher
and a teacher, and I began to notice bodies: bodies of little girls and boys,
large teacher bodies, bodies that need to sit in chairs in order to use the
keyboard and mouse, bodies that push and shove to get to a computer,
and my own body's reactions to what I was experiencing.
A year later, I did a more extensive study of Ms. Forrest's fifth
grade class. Again, I came in as the computer expert. I worked with Ms.
Forrest to plan activities that she saw as valuable within her classroom
environment. I sat at the computer with small groups of her students as
they performed the tasks she set for them. I also observed this group of
fifth graders as they worked in the computer lab, in the library doing
Internet research, and sometimes when they were at recess or lining up
before school. I observed these kids as a researcher from the beginning of
February to the end of the school year and then interviewed the teacher
and several of the kids. Since I had worked with both Ms. Forrest and
these kids in my capacity as the computer lab teacher at Green River for
several years before this study, I had access that educational researchers in
other settings are often unable to obtain. I knew the brothers and sisters of
many of these kids. Many of them I had known since first grade.
This group of kids consisted of 13 girls and 13 boys plus one
nonspeaking girl in a wheelchair that I never observed at the computer.
This girl was pushed into the classroom by an adult paraprofessional on a
schedule that rarely matched my observational sessions. She had a desk in
the room labeled with her name, Billie, but the para most often sat there.
50


In one caase where I was listing the names of the kids working in a research
group at the computer, one of the boys told me that Billie was in this
group, allthough she was not in the room at the time. Billie was accepted
as a mermber of this class, but I had very little contact with her. The kids in
this class were primarily Anglo and middle class. Many of them had
attended! Green River since kindergarten. Two kids were Asian. Two kids
were Hispanic. One boy had entered this school mid-year in fourth grade
and his fFamily moved again before I finished my study. Most of these kids
had computers at home; in fact, they spoke as if having a computer
without Untemet access was like not having a computer at all. Terri,
Tiffany, ILisa, and Jerry all reported no computer at home. Later, Terri told
me that she used her grandmother's computer a lot. Lisa described using
the computer at her apartment's clubhouse regularly. The local public
library oiffered Internet access, and several of the kids talked about using
the computer there. As a group, these kids enjoyed many privileges of
financial, comfort and familiarity with technology in a relatively stable
environrment.
Imdividually, I began to see how each kid had her/his own way of
being in school, of being a girl or boy, and of being a computer user. This
way of b-eing was continually revised, tested, sometimes abandoned: in
some cases it remained relatively inflexible. I also continued to notice how
my presence influenced what I observed and how I was responding to the
unexpected. I also began to notice the ways I felt a resonance with what
was happening and what was disturbing to me.
Bodies in Motion
*Field Notes (no computer use)
'April 20,1999, Tuesday afternoon
I enter Green River Elementary about 12:30 p.m.
expecting to check my email and print out some things in
51


the computer lab before I go into the classroom. First I stop
in the teachers' lounge and the women in there ask me if I
had heard about Columbine High School. It takes me a
moment to understand, my thoughts are so full of my
research. When I don't answer, someone says that there were
some gunmen holding the school hostage. The intent
expressions of the women make me wonder if they thought
it had something to do with me. I ask where Columbine is
and nobody knows for sure, except that it is not in our
school district. When I hear that it was far away, it drops out
of my mind. It doesn't seem likely that anyone I know would
be involved and it doesn't seem like this event required
anything of me, so I dont think about it any more. I check
my mailbox and drop off my purse and laptop in the office
for safekeeping.
When I walk down the hall, the Media Specialist, Mrs.
Wilson, calls me and asks if I had heard about Columbine. I
feel confused. Why is another person asking me this? I say,
"Yes, no. Well, not any details."
Mrs. Wilson is very serious and insistent. She tells me
that there is a TV on in the library and shoos me in. I wasn't
intending to go into the Media Center, but before I know it, I
am in there, looking for the TV. The TV is in the doorway to
the workroom behind the checkout counter. Kids walking by
in the hall wouldn't know it was there. Not many people can
stand around and see it very well and the two women there
move to make room for me. It seems like it is supposed to be
kept secret and yet, I am supposed to know about it. I
continue to feel confused. I watch and listen. I see vehicles
and policemen and some people moving gurneys into a
building. It isn't clear what is happening. Something to do
with guns and students and possible injuries. Another
teacher comes in and we move to let her see. She says that
Columbine is down south, near where Anita lives. Anita is
one of the first grade teachers. I still can't make sense of
what I am seeing and I do not feel like I have to watch until I
figure it out. I have other things to do. I leave.
I go to the computer lab and can't use a computer
because the students in there are using them all.
I go to verify with Becky Forrest that I am coming at 1:15
and that it will be okay for me to talk to kids as they work in
her classroom.
52


I leave and go write down information from the
cumulative files on each kid's reading level. While I am
there, I hear the school secretaries talking about Columbine
with each other and some parents who come in.
When I walk back, I see a several paraprofessionals
standing in the doorway in front of where I know the TV is. I
walk in and ask if anyone knows any more about what's
going on, but if anyone answers I don't hear it. The image on
the screen captures my attention. We see a teenage girl
walking out of a house and the camera focuses on the red
drops splattered across her white T-shirt. She has a
homemade looking bandage on one wrist and otherwise
seems uninjured. Some policemen in uniform are escorting
her out of the house. One of the women in the room explains
that some of the kids ran from the school into neighboring
houses and now the police are going door to door to collect
them all. There was talk about arresting some kids outside of
the school, but that's not what we are seeing now. It's not
clear at this point that the police have entered the school or
had any contact with the gunman. I am still thinking that it's
a hostage situation. The first shots were fired around 11:00
a.m. and that was almost three hours ago. I am trying to
make sense out of what I see and hear, but the truth is that
there is not enough information. I am surprised at how
important it seems to these women standing next to me to
hang on every word and picture as it is given. It's like I am
more interested in knowing something when it's known, this
standing and waiting and the contradictions and uncertainty
are too uncomfortable. I expect that I will hear later in the
day all about what happened. I leave.
I assume that D.A.R.E. is over and walk down to Beckys
room. I observe for a few moments and then we hear the
announcement calling all the fifth grade classes down to the
gym for a graduation picture. I am disappointed (again!)
that I will not get to talk to the kids like I planned. I drove all
they way up here and still don't get to observe kids using the
computer or talk to them. I decide that observing the class
photo is better than nothing.
*Fifth Grade Photograph
Ms. Forrest tells the class to line up like they did this
morning from tallest to smallest.
Bob picks up a jacket that's hanging over the back of his
chair and puts it on. He is now wearing a black blazer over a
53


white dress shirt. The first two buttons of the shirt a re
unbuttoned and the collar points are not even, but hae stands
out in the room as someone who is inappropriately ^dressed,
as too dressed up.
The kids line up with some arguing and negotiating and
reminding each other in this order: Kelly, Aaron, Mary,
Tiffany, Emma, Jill, Jewel, Rose, Terri, Morgan, Sam.., Bob,
Lisa, Melissa, Tom, Rick, Mark, Jerry, Tim, Will, Eth..an, Ron
(pushing Billie in her wheelchair), Misty, and Kathy.
Tiffany argues with Mary that she is taller than Iwlary is.
[Tiffany always tries to be next to Kelly.] Mary disagrees and
refuses to budge.
Ms. Forrest tells them that it doesn't really matterr who's
taller, its not worth arguing about.
Both Mark and Tim argue with Jerry, but Jerry looks at
the top of their heads and tells one that he's taller amd the
other that he's shorter. Mark and Tim like to be toge-ther, and
Jerry is not one of their friends. Several other boys tell them
who is taller, where to stand, where Jerry was this morning.
Jerry doesn't leave his place.
The line moves and they all stay in the order I've= written
above which is unusual for this class. Someone alwatys
rearranges the order when they walk down the hall..
As the line moves down the hall, I see Nathan up by Will.
He was not in the room when they left.
I am at the end of the line and watch Misty and Kathy.
Misty is noisy and her arms move and she doesnt w?alk in a
straight line, but skips sideways, twists and turns amd is 'all
over.' She walks next to Kathy and talks to her and bumps
into her and touches her shoulder and gestures to her as she
talks. She laughs.
Kathy walks in a more contained way. She is qui*et and
more physically still. She listens to Misty and talks too her,
but I can't even hear her voice. She looks like she is Laughing
at one point.
When the line stops briefly to let another class gest by,
Ethan walks into Nathan and steps on the back of hLs foot.
Then Ethan, Nathan, and Will try to stomp on ea-.ch
other's feet. They are all smiling.
I am standing close behind Misty as I write down that the
boys are playing this stomping game. Misty says something
loud to Kathy and they both laugh. Misty looks at me and
asks, "Are you writing down everything I say?"
54


I tell her that I can't hear what she's saying, so, no, I am
not writing it down, now.
Then I say, "Will you repeat it?"
Instead, Misty moves closer and tries to look at what I
wrote. She has to tiptoe to see the paper I am holding chest
high to write on. I don't cover or hide it. I look at what she
might be seeing and notice that I am writing down her
pseudonym as I take notes instead of her real name.
I say, "Actually, I am not writing your name down at all.
I am writing down the name I made up for you. I can't use
your real name because I said that I would not tell anybody
who you are. For your protection. Remember?"
[I am not feeling certain that Misty understands. Her face
is kind of blank, as if she's waiting for me to say something
that makes sense. I don't think using the word, 'pseudonym'
will help. My sixth grade son did not recognize that word
when I mentioned it to him recently. He was sitting on the
couch at home as I was writing up my field notes and started
to read them out loud. I told him then that these were
pseudonyms and he didn't know what that was.]
Misty says, "What's my name?" I tell her Misty. Misty
repeats it.
Kathy asks me what hers is. I tell her. Kathy says to
Misty, "I like mine."
Ron turns around and says, "What's mine?" I tell him and
he laughs.
As the line starts to move and Ron pushes Billie's
wheelchair, he asks me what Billies name is. I tell him.
The para who works with Billie walks up and Ron tells
her that their names are Ron and Billie.
She says, "What?"
Ron points to me and says that I have given them "code
names." He tells her, "We all have code names."
Misty tells her what her name is and then so does Kathy.
Misty's mother walks up and Misty tells her what her
name is and points to me and explains that I gave her the
name "Misty." The mother looks at me and nods, smiling.
As we walk into the gym, the photographer's voice barks
out orders. "Go here! Come over here! You! Move over here!"
He points at kids and then to places for them to move to. He
quickly gets all four fifth grade classes arranged on risers
and on the floor in front of the risers.
55


As he arranges the last rows, I notice Jill standing in the
middle on the second riser. She is wearing a purple dress
and is more mobile than any of the other kids. She moves
her whole body, she brushes her hair back, she puts lip-gloss
on again and again. She stands out in this crowd with her
continual movements.
Most of the girls and a few boys are standing stiffly, as if
afraid to move, and keep their eyes on the photographer.
[He comes across as kind of scary to me. He is big and
tall and has a loud, deep voice. He has black hair and thick,
black eyebrows that stand out above his white dress shirt.
He moves his body with force and his pointing seems more
like jabbing.]
Jill leans down between the two girls standing in front of
her and pushes Mark in the back with enough force to move
him forward a step. He moves back and he and Tom, who is
standing next to him, turn around and look at who it was.
They are all smiling.
For the next several minutes, Jill continues to poke Mark
in the back and he jerks away from her, smiling the whole
time.
Tom watches and laughs. The photographer never seems
to notice.
At one point, Mark pokes the boy sitting on the floor in
front of him and Tom laughs. The boy turns around and
Mark points at Tom. Tom points at Mark. The boy turns
back to face the front.
I am standing across the gym and begin to look for all of
Ms. Forrest's kids in this crowd.
Aaron is still standing between Tiffany and Kelly and I
realize that Kelly is the tallest kid in the fifth grade.
Tiffany and Kelly talk to each other across the front of
Aaron who is watching the photographer.
I hear the photographer telling the kids on the right to
turn their bodies to face the center.
Emma, watching him, over-dramatically jumps and turns
that way while she rolls her eyes. She instantly freezes her
body and blanks her expression when he looks in her
direction.
[I feel a sense of admiration for her, that she can mock
this pushy guy! But if she had done that to his face, I wonder
if I would have been more shocked than admiring?]
56


Misty is kneeling on the floor on the left end of the row.
There is nobody from Ms. Forrest's class near her and she is
not talking to the girls next to her.
Jewel is in the back row standing between two boys from
other classes. She is silent and watching the photographer.
Jerry is standing in the center on the first riser and when
the photographer is looking away from him, he steps down
to the floor and back up to his assigned spot. The girls in
front of him move out of his way. Jerry watches the
photographer, but his eyes are not glued to the man. He also
looks down when he steps and he glances at the boys from
Ms. Forrest's class who are standing nearby. [As if he needs
the audience?]
Mary is in the back row and is no longer between Kelly
and Tiffany. A girl from another class, Brittany S. is there.
Brittany S. is standing on tiptoe every time the photographer
looks her way. Otherwise, she is too short to be standing
next to Kelly.
[I remember Nathan and Misty's discussion concerning
Brittany S. on Feb. 24th and think that Brittany S. is a
popular girl, right up there with Kelly.]
Mary brushes her hair off of her face and adjusts her
glasses.
The photographer tells one of his assistants to toss him
the light meter. The other man does and he catches it.
I hear a boy's voice yell out of the mass of bodies, "Nice
catch!"
There is a brief, muted burst of laughter. The
photographer smiles, and continues to bark out the order to
individual kids to "Scoot! Scoot!" He points in the direction
that they should move. One boy hardly moves any closer to
the girl next to him. The photographer makes a joke, saying,
"She won't give you a hug unless you ask her real nice!"
Another girl won't move closer to a boy and he says more
loudly, "Scoot!" and jabs with his finger. She moves.
The photographer turns to the group of teachers (I am
standing with them) and asks Ms. Forrest to stand over here
where he's pointing. I find myself moving quickly away
from the teachers and toward the door. I do not want him to
think I am a teacher to be included in this photo. I don't
want him ordering me around, and I am afraid I won't be
able to tell him that I don't belong in this photo, that I'm just
57


As I leave the gym, I notice a pair of white, platform
shoes on the floor behind the risers. Some girls teeter on
tiptoes, others kick off their shoes. I imagine the objective is
the same, to stand next to a best friend.
The pictures are finally taken and as the kids walk past
me down the hall, I notice that Brittany S. is walking
alongside of Kelly and they are talking to each other. I don't
see Tiffany. The mass of bodies is like a traffic jam (Field
Notes).
A Body of Evidence
I chose to share this set of field notes for several reasons. I wanted
to introduce the kids in Ms. Forrest's class in way that communicated their
embodied identities as well as my own. This is the raw data, not cleaned
up, dressed up, or disembodied from my experience. In writing this
chapter, I remembered the day they lined up for photographs as a
particularly clear example of how kids get sorted (and accept or resist this
sorting) by the size of their bodies. When I searched through my data, I
was surprised to find that the tragic events at Columbine High School
interjected themselves into my experience of that day. As the school year
continued, both the kids and I continued to recycle our experience of the
Columbine events. One morning, Aaron noticed a policeman in the
hallway who was not the D.A.R.E. officer. Ms. Forrest explained that he
was there because of what happened at Columbine. Later, Aaron told me
of an incident at the school he had previously attended where some older
kids disrupted recess and the teachers called all the young students inside
the building. He did not see this incident as frightening, because he felt
confident that the teachers and adults there could handle the situation. As
a teacher, and knowing about the teacher and kids killed at Columbine, I
felt chilled by his confidence. As a parent, Columbine reminded me not
only of the fragility of kids' bodies but also the fragility of the trust we all
assign to the caring, safe place called school.
58


The bodies of the girls and boys in Ms. Forrest's class more closely
resembled one another than do the bodies of adult women and men. Like
Barrie Thome, I sometimes saw the girls and boys join forces to thwart the
control of the adults in the school. At other times, girls would act together
to upset the boys' plans and the boys would do the same to the girls. I also
observed how kids of the same gender insulted and rejected a girl or a
boy. Adults sometimes seemed to act as if all kids were the same, but then
I would observe different treatment based on gender. This tension
between individual difference and a shared, socially constructed similarity
continued to puzzle me. For example, the photographer arranges the
bodies of fifth grade kids efficiently and impersonally until a boy
compliments his ability to catch the light meter. Then he jokes with a boy
about getting closer to a girl. He continues to bark orders to the girls. How
significant is this difference? Does it fit a larger pattern of similar
interactions? Both girls and boys accept his authority, although only a boy
speaks as if they share a common athletic identity. None of the kids
directly challenges his right to control their bodies, but both girls and boys
find ways to resist his control. In this chapter, I explore bodies as a way to
"start with a sense of the whole rather than with an assumption of gender
as separation and difference" (Thome 1997, p. 108), and I will focus more
closely on how bodies interact with computers.
Barrie Thome draws on Judith Butler's challenge to the biological
dichotomy of sex in order to develop her insights into kids' "crossing"
gender boundaries (Thome 1997, p. 120). Butler claims that
reconceptualizing "identity as an effect, that is, as produced or generated,
opens up possibilities of 'agency' that are insidiously foreclosed by
positions that take identity categories as foundational and fixed" (Butler
1990, p. 147, italics original). For Butler, "gender is an 'act/ as it were that
is open to splittings, self-parody, self-criticism" (Butler 1990, p. 146) and
59


continual repetitions of gendered acts are unavoidable in our social
interactions. In this framework, the kids in Ms. Forrest's class were
themselves continually constructing their gendered identities, and these
would mostly fall into the female/male dichotomy, because our language
and our culture constrains the identity options available to them. Taking
up Butler's challenge to reconsider "the figure of the body as mute, prior
to culture, awaiting signification," (Butler 1990, p. 147) I looked closely at
how kids' bodies declared their identities as computer users.
The kids consistently identified the body that held the mouse as the
one who was using the computer. If a different body typed at the
keyboard, this was not counted as having a turn at using the computer.
Some bodies sat or stood up close and effectively blocked any other bodies
from having access to the computer. The bodies sitting in a chair behind
the computer user or the kid typing at the keyboard sometimes attempted
to move closer, or grabbed the mouse when nobody was looking;
sometimes these bodies engaged in noncomputer discussions or activities,
and they often moved in and out of the computer using group. Only the
girls physically got up and left the group when it became clear they were
not going to get to use the mouse. Only boys pushed, shoved, and directly
challenged the control of the mouse, as when Tom and Rick battle over the
cursor. In that interaction, Rick is using the mouse to click on links when
Tom begins to press the arrow keys and disrupts Rick's clicking. The
bodies in the back row play with pins, pens, calculators, and each other, or
giggle, whisper, and talk about friends and topics other than the assigned
computer task as they wait patiently or actively negotiate for their turn to
be the computer user.
In order to honor both Barrie Thome and Judith Butler's ideas
about gendered identities, I need a way to hear what these bodies are
saying that does not assume a difference based on gender. It is too simple
60


to say that boys push and run and grab the mouse, that they physically
dominate the computer. For one thing, I saw girls doing this, too. One
example was when Misty and Rick run to the computer one afternoon and
their bodies collide. Misty ends up using the mouse, and Rick settles for
using the keyboard. Basing explanations on gender doesn't help me to
understand the variation in behaviors that I observed in both girls and
boys. But if I look at them all as kids, I can sense a whole, or larger pattern
and that is based on wanting to belong. All kids want to belong in some
way to some group of others.
In The Psychic Life of Power, Judith Butler explains the genesis of
identity as the paradox between a child's "dependency and attachment"
and "partial denial" of this attachment (Butler 1997, p. 8). A child wants to
belong and be loved by powerful adults in a comfortable world but cannot
develop a sense of individual identity without having some desires
stymied, without being hurt and disappointed in order to notice that s/he
has some kind of existence that differs from those Others and from the rest
of the world. The paradox of this earliest of a child's relationships leads to
some confusion of desire, love, and dependence, and the need to
continually, but never completely deny this confusion.
And so, confused, I come to love. Both Judith Butler and Morwenna
Griffiths use love to describe this aspect of a person's identity. For
Morwenna Griffiths, "the most important of the social circumstances
defining selves are found in our relationships with other people, as
individuals or as social groups" (Griffiths 1995, p. 85). She uses the words
love, resistance, acceptance, and rejection to describe these relationships. She
explains that these relationships are "connections of belonging, deciding
whether to belong and of being given or refused permission to belong"
(Griffiths 1995, p. 85) and that these relationships are not always
reciprocal. In organizing my observations of the kids in Ms. Forrest's class,
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I used the categories Wanting and Getting Immediate Acceptance and
Wanting Acceptance but Getting Rejection where I saw kids attempting to be
recognized as the computer user (see Table 3.1). Sometimes when a kid
got rejected, s/he would negotiate. This process sometimes led to a final
acceptance. These episodes of negotiation were all moves that were
initiated by the girl or boy who desired to use the computer. In other
cases, I observed kids identifying someone else as a computer user
without any active move on that kid's part. I called this Acceptance By
Others as a Computer User, or Rejection By Others as a Computer User when
somebody was blocked out or denied access to the computer before any
attempt to gain access could be made. In this table, I included a column to
show the influence that the teacher and I had in some of these interactions.
Table 2.1 helps me to "grasp the diversity, overlap, contradictions, and
ambiguities in the larger cultural fields in which gender relations and the
dynamics of power, are constructed" (Thome 1997, p. 108).
The relations portrayed in this table are only those that had an
obvious physical movement. For example, one interaction of Wanting
Acceptance but Getting Rejection was when Rose had been using the mouse,
and Ms. Forrest interrupted the group at the computer to ask them to
hand in some papers. When they returned, Jill tried to sit in front of the
mouse, but Rose was standing in her way. Jill tried to move in from the
left and Rose did not move out of her way. Jill circled around and tried to
sit in the chair in front of the mouse from the right but Rose still refused to
give way. Jill finally plopped down in a back row chair, and Rose sat
down and continued to use the mouse. Because a computer has only one
mouse, only one body can click and make the final decision on what
program to use, what links to follow, and what to print.
When I look at this table, I see that both girls and boys engaged in
physically expressing their desire to be accepted as belonging to the group
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Table 3.1
Wanting a Computer Identity (The Body as Access to Technology)
Girls Boys With Teacher Intervention
Wanting and Getting Immediate Acceptance 10 10 0
Wanting Acceptance but Getting Rejection
Rejection and Submission 1 5 in all cases
Rejection and Negotiation to Final 2 9 0
Acceptance
Rejection and Negotiation to Final Submission to the Rejection 3 4 in all cases but 2 of the boys
Rejection and Negotiation to Ambiguity 1 3 in one case with a boy
Acceptance By Others As a Computer User
Taken Up or Mutually Accepted (see Note 1) 5 3 in one case with a girl
Not Taken Up or Rejected (see Note 2) 1 1 0
Negotiated (see Note 3) .1 1 0
Rejection By Others As a Computer User
Submitted to, or accepted 2 1 I tell boy he can't use mouse.
Not accepted 0 1 Teacher ignores resistance
Negotiated (see Note 4) 2 0 0
Silent Use (see Note 5) 1 2 0
Silence as Rejection or Resistance (see Note 6) 5 0 0
Note 1. In the case of Acceptance By Others As a Computer User being reciprocated or
accepted mutually it appears that more girls are identified by others as computer users.
As I looked more closely, however, I realized that in one case the girl's use was as the
second in command or keyboard typist, fir another case, I intervened by asking who in
the group had used the program before and when Melissa raised her hand, I suggested
that she use the mouse. Nobody disagreed. In the other two cases, a girl identified
another girl as the one to use the mouse. In the last case, Emma handled the microphone
and then Luke imitated her and they continued to interact with each other and the
63


Table 3.1 (notescont.)
microphone while Sam used the mouse and he and I interacted during an Internet search.
This use of the microphone I counted in the Boys column as well.
Note 2. The two cases of Acceptance By Others As a Computer User not being
reciprocated are quite different. In one case, Emma is given the mouse by Luke because
she has said that she will have the next tum and Luke, being last, wants to hurry
everyone along. Emma rejects the mouse and Sam takes it up again, with the result being
that Luke's tum is delayed. Emma controls Luke more effectively than the computer. In
the other case, Nathan is using the mouse and chooses something to print. The others in
his group tell him to go to the Computer Lab to get his hard copy and he refuses. Finally,
Mark gets up to go get the hard copy and Nathan continues controlling the mouse.
Nathan resists being identified as finished using the computer.
Note 3. In the case of Acceptance By Others As a Computer User being negotiated, I saw
Emma and Tom mutually challenge one another for control of the computer. They
allowed each other to have turns, gave each other advice that seemed to be equally
accepted and ignored, and they never physically forced a choice, although Tom
threatened to. This contrasts with the several cases where two boys battled for control of
the cursor as one clicked the mouse and the other pressed the arrow keys on the
keyboard at the same time.
Note 4. In the two cases of negotiation of Rejection By Others As a Computer User, one
was successful and one was not. In the first case, also mentioned in Note 3, Tom
threatens to press the keys to quit the program that Emma is using, but doesn't actually
do it at first. He finally does, and Emma does not protest. She had been saying the
program was boring. In the other case, Mark and Melissa are at the computer. Mark is
using the mouse and attempts to type, but Melissas body is in the way. She doesn't
move. Instead, she begins typing in their names. After she types "Mark," he clicks the
button to start the program. He tells Melissa that he didn't mean .to do that, but by
preventing her from typing in her name, he denies her equal status as computer user.
Note 5. The one case of a girl engaged in Silent Use of the computer is Kelly who takes
the mouse, uses it and clicks on choices without asking the others in her group. At one
point she gets up to verify the spelling of a name she is searching for and nobody takes
her place. In the case of boys' Silent Use, Tom silently reaches behind Rose who is telling
Sam that she wont print a picture for him. Tom clicks to print the picture for Sam. In the
other case, Rick silently handles the video camera and makes feces into the lens with
frequent checks to see if I am noticing.
Note 6. The five cases of girls using Silence are all cases of leaving the computer group
and not being noticed by the boys who are interacting with each other around the
computer activity. In one of those cases, I also do not notice Tiffany's silence.
i
j
64


of kids who use the mouse at the computer. It is also interesting to notice
that the kids express their desire and are often immediately accepted
without the teacher's intervention. In many cases, they seem to know
what they want and to be willing to accept each other's desire to be
identified. When a kid's move to be accepted is rejected, though, the
teacher seems to notice and intervene. Ms. Forrest intervened most often
in cases where a boy ended up submitting to the rejection of his attempt to
take control of the mouse. When a kid's move was rejected and not
noticed by the teacher, it was a boy who was mostly likely to gain
acceptance through negotiation. In cases where a girl ended up gaining
access to the mouse after an initial rejection, the teacher's intervention was
involved. I never observed a girl pushing her way in when a boy or group
of boys physically walled off the computer. I never observed a boy submit
to being blocked from the computer. It is clear that although girls and
boys all use their bodies to negotiate their identity as computer users,
there are differences in the ways that bodies express themselves that fall
into gendered categories.
I also observed interactions that differed from the four main
categories based on Morwenna Griffiths' theory of identity. If a body
moved quickly, behind someone's back or when s/he wasn't paying
attention, what kind of move was that? I call it Silent Use because the
body's move was not seen, or in this metaphor, heard. Other instances of
silent bodies were all girls who were never heard by the others interacting
around the computer. Lisa protests when Tom and Rick begin to battle
over controlling the cursor. They ignore her and when this group returns
to the computer after recess, Lisa stays at her desk and none of the others
in the group notice. In one case, early in my work with these kids, I sit
with Tiffany and three boys at the computer. Tiffany makes a comment
about the spelling of the word being typed into the computer. One of the
65


boys rejects her identity as someone who can spell, and she does not speak
again. As the Internet research goes on, I get excited and engaged in the
activity and totally forget about Tiffany. She was very effectively silenced.
Silence is similar to gender in that it can be an act. Kids who are
silent may resist or parody given identities, as when Emma mocks the
photographer by parodying a compliant child. However, I did not see any
example of how silence "opens up possibilities of 'agency' "(Butier 1990, p.
10) or challenges the discourses of "gender relations and the dynamics of
power" (Thome 1997, p. 12). It may be more accurate to name silence as
the shadow of action, the silhouette of a body.
Silence is sometimes used by kids to get what they want, but what
they get is not acceptance. Acceptance requires the notice of another.
Sneaking behind or around, or hiding at one's desk is, at best, the faintest
simulation of acceptance. Resisting another's attempt to identify oneself
by silently acquiescing, as Tiffany did, or silently stepping away, as Lisa
did, is not an effective strategy for disrupting the larger cultural fields or
power relations, although it seems to be one that girls use often. It may be
that the relationship being expressed in silence is a form of Acceptance By
Others, not as a computer user, but as a good girl, a nice girl, or perhaps,
simply, a girl. I can include myself in this gendered category and through
my research I have gained some insight into how my body learned to shut
down, close up, swallow, and be silent.
A Body Speaks
The human voice has a disarming quality
(we are not single, we are one).
(Woolf 1931, p. 68)
66


silence/anger
it's hard to know where to begin, beginnings aJways
make me think of genesis, then the bible, and god_ that's
why i don't like beginnings, i don't like god, and order, and
rules, they've never been mine, or even for me. sometimes i
do think there might be a universal force, but it would have
to be a goddess, not a god. and not just because of: giving
birth and the painful process of creation, think about it. this
god thing is invisible, it works behind the scenes, nt
manipulates in devious ways, making people thiruk they're
doing what they want to do, but they're really doling what
the goddess wants them to do. even when they think they
are resisting, what they do ends up following somie kind of
secret plan, that's a woman, right?
all that talk in the bible about pillars of fire, and lightning
bolts, and god as the father never made sense to me. i finally
decided it was about men. men ruled the world iru those
olden days, they did all the writing, all the talking; that
anyone listened to. they wrote all that stuff about tthe gray-
bearded man powerful with age and wisdom to convince
each other that they had the right kind of power, the power
to conquer those who oppose them, the power to enslave the
weak, to know and to take what they wanted. ancL they
always took things like land and gold and womeru.
how different were women in those days? were they
really helpless creatures dependent on men for everything?
what happened? i mean, today women aren't helpoless and
powerless, even as a little kid, before i ever went too school, i
knew that women were not weak and helpless, women are
powerful, my mother was powerful, we all did what she
wanted, even god (who was then, my father), wittnout her
even having to ask. that's power, it's not the direcSt kind like
throwing stone tablets down and making the grouind
tremble and smoke because you want someone to do things
your way. a woman's power can only be used for someone
else, never herself, i learned this before i ever wenft to school,
i learned it from my mother.
The Objective Gaze: A Trick with Mirrors
I had been observing students use the computers in Mrs.
Sanchez's second grade classroom for several days now. By
February 11th, I was feeling pretty comfortable wkth my role
67


as a participant observer. I sat with a clipboard and some
blank sheets of paper near the water fountain at the back of
the room. This gave me a clear view of the five computers.
Three of these computers were old, monochrome Apple He
machines and only one of those had a printer. The other two
computers were small Macintosh machines with color
monitors. One was snuggled between an Apple He and the
chalkboard on a cart facing the water fountain. The bottom
of the cart contained an ink jet printer connected to the Mac.
The other Mac faced into the classroom and was connected
to the building network so files could be printed to the laser
printer in the computer lab. As soon as the teacher told the
class that the computers could now be used, several kids
hurried to the machines.
A small, blond boy was the first one there and he
squeezed into the small space in front of the Mac with his
back to me. This was Jack. There was not enough room for
even his short legs. He had to hold his feet back to keep from
kicking the printer. A girl and a boy reached the Apple lie
computer next to Jack at the same time. They stood side by
side and pushed against each other as they argued about
who was going to use the computer. The girl was unusually
loud and persistent, her curly black hair bobbing with the
force of her movements. She won by pointing to the yellow
post-it note on the monitor. The words, "SAVE FOR
SAVANNAH," were printed on the note in pencil. The boy
left and she sat down on the bench, sliding in too far,
bumping Jack and then scooting away from him.
Jack only glanced at her. He was busy using the mouse to
click on icons in order to open a writing program. Savannah
placed some sheets of notebook paper on the top of the
computer. She had written a story on these pages and
conferenced with her teacher to edit them. Now she was
ready to type it into the computer so she could publish it in a
polished, official-looking form. The teacher came over to
help her put in a floppy disk and open and name a file. Then
Savannah was on her own. She began the laborious task of
finding her place on her paper, searching out and pressing
the keys, checking the computer screen, and relocating her
place on the paper.
Meanwhile, Jack was clicking and opening the clip art
folder, viewing graphics, selecting a red heart, and placing it
on a blank page.
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After glancing up at her screen, Savannah noticed what
Jack was doing. "You're not supposed to be doing that," she
told him.
When he did not respond, she asked him how he got
hearts on his screen. He told her that her computer couldn't
do hearts. With a sigh, she picked up her paper and ran her
finger across a line, stopping under a word and looking up
at her screen. Then she set the paper back down and began
pressing letters on the keyboard.
They worked silently for a while, side by side. After a
short time, Jack asked me how to spell 'Valentine.' As I
spelled it slowly, Savannah began to complain loudly that
she couldn't get a small letter. I got up and turned off the
Caps Lock key, explaining what it does. After I returned to
my seat, Jack got up, walked past me to the teacher at the
other side of the room, and asked her a question. She told
him to ask me. He came back and stood in front of me
looking at me for a moment before speaking. He asked me if
I would help him print. I looked at his screen. He had
written, "Happy Valentine's Day, Mom and Dad," and
placed two large hearts on each side of the words. By this
time, I knew that the computers were primarily used for
publishing stories or for practicing spelling words. I had
seen a few instances of game playing, but Savannah's
statement that he was "not supposed to be doing that" only
confirmed my suspicion that Jack was getting away with
something. However, he had the teacher's permission at this
point, and I was observing, not interfering, so I told him how
to print. He stood in front of the computer and watched the
printer as the paper slowly rolled out. Just as the finished
product dropped into the tray, the teacher announced that it
was time to go home. Jack picked up his Valentine note and
walked away from the computer.
The teacher passed him as she approached the computers
to check on Savannah. She asked me if I would help
Savannah save her file. Then she handed me a disk and left
to supervise the cleanup of the classroom. I put the disk into
the disk drive on the right side of the computer. Savannah
leaned to her left and pressed something on Jack's computer.
I straightened up in time to see the printing window flash
open on the screen of the Macintosh. Without even thinking,
I canceled the print job. I couldn't tell who was more
69


surprised, Savannah or me. She protested that it was Jack's,
and it was for his grandparents.
"Why should she be getting a Valentine note to take
home when she should be helping the class clean up?" was
the first thought I was aware of. "If every kid did just one
more thing after they were supposed to quit, teachers would
never get anything done!" Maybe I wasn't feeling some
inexplicable anger, maybe it was righteous indignation. It
next occurred to me that she was being opportunistic. She
was printing Jack's work for herself. "That's why I'm so
upset," I thought. She was taking advantage of Jack. These
thoughts tumbled over one another as I tried to understand
what I'd done.
Before I could settle on this explanation, Jack wandered
back and looked at the paper sitting in the printer tray. It
had one line of words and only the top half of the hearts on
it. He looked up at me and asked me why it stopped
printing.
"Because the time is up," I said. "It's time to go." Jack
looked at the half-finished page and walked away without
another word. I busied myself shutting down the computers,
my mind in a turmoil. I was having trouble believing what
had j'ust happened. What I had done. Why did I stop the
printing, why was my first response anger, and why was I
now feeling so guilty? Who was I, anyway?
I am astonished, as I draw the veil off things with words,
how much,
how infinitely more than I can say
I have observed
(Woolf 1931, p. 84)
silence/shame
but in school i learned the answer over and over in many
different ways, and always without asking, that's what
school is for, learning what questions not to ask, what not to
see or talk about, when i was in first grade, i learned an
important lesson about who i was in school, at the end of
each day i watched the boys running and pushing and using
their bodies to take their chosen place in line, every day it
was the same thing, the bell would ring and the teacher
would remind (not tell) us that we needed (not that she
wanted us) to get in a nice, quiet line before we could go
70


home, the boys were not quiet or nice until they got to the
place they wanted to be. then the line would be nice and
quiet, then we could go home.
one day i decided that i wanted to stand in line right
behind mary, my best friend at that time, a boy shoved me
out of line and took my place, i shoved him back out of line
and reclaimed my place, i was totally unprepared for the
teacher's reaction, she pulled me out of line and scolded me
for my unladylike behavior, i was told to bend over and was
struck with the wooden paddle in front of all the kids in my
class, this experience was inscribed on my body by that
paddle, by the hot streaks burning my cheeks, the dry
choking feeling in my throat as i sobbed, this is how the
event was embodied in me. the emotions i experienced
during this cultural event were shock, humiliation,
helplessness, and anger, i learned a lot from that event, but
because i did not discuss these feelings and emotions, i could
not process them in a way that could help me understand
what i was learning, or why, as a six-year-old child i only
knew that it was very important to me that i avoid
participating in similar events, i only knew that something
about such events felt very, very wrong.
(re) Interpreting the Meaning: Siting the Struggle
Jack asks me if I would help him print his Valentine note.
I can remain neutral because, although by this time I know
that this is not in compliance with the discourse around the
use of these computers, it is not so unusual for a little boy to
act for his own interests. I am not alarmed by a little boy
who knows what he wants and sets out to obtain it. After all,
he's not hurting anyone. The teacher's gaze and explicit
rules are obstades to be overcome in his quest. He moves
past me to get permission from the teacher because she has
not seen what he is doing. She gives her permission. I watch.
When Savannah leans to her left and presses the keys to
print, I cannot just watch. I am alarmed. Something feels
wrong. I act as if what she did was wrong; something to be
stopped. I don't know who is more surprised, Savannah or
me. I invent a story about helping the teacher get the dass
ready to go home. Then I invent a tale about the injustice of
her taking the fruits of Jack's labor. When I write up my field
notes, there is no doubt that I was angry. I moved swiftly to
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prevent the action that generated that anger, grounded in a
fear of the wrongness, and bolstered by my position of
authority as a rule-keeper, an adult, a teacher, and the
computer expert. I stopped Savannah's action. It was
canceled, voided, as if she never acted. The wrongness I felt
was the wrongness of a girl taking direct action, gaining
something for herself, breaking the rules.
Jack's return forced me to reconsider my interpretation of
the meaning of Savannah's action. Although she had said
that she was acting on Jack's behalf, I chose not to believe
her. But here was evidence to support her claim to act. To act
for him. To act like a girl. And yet, I not only felt angry
again, I also felt shame. I lied to Jack by not telling him that I
had acted to intervene and cancel the action I suspected he
initiated. There was something to hide, to cover up. From
Jack. From myself. This "something" was not to be spoken.
Because I did not process the meaning of my first grade
experience in a way that allowed me to be aware of the
forces at work, I internalized the need (of the system) to keep
myself from acting like a boy. The fear of the consequences
of breaking that rule continued to link and was always
ready to pounce but was disassociated from the original
context. I did not know why it was okay for Jack to print and
wrong for Savannah to attempt the same thing, I only knew
that it was wrong, because it felt wrong. So I acted to stop it,
stop that wrongness, that feeling of fear disguised by anger.
We are all swept on by the torrent of things grown so
familiar that they cast no shade; we make no comparisons;
think scarcely ever of I or of you;
and in this unconsciousness attain the utmost
freedom from friction and part the weeds
that grow over the mouths of sunken channels.
We have to leap like fish, high in the air,
in order to catch the train from Waterloo. And
however high up we leap
we fall back again into the stream.
(Woolf 1931, p. 216)
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silence/self
that's a woman, right?
so silence has served me well, but every servant becomes
the mistress (didn't i?) and the mistress always loves the
master (or learns to), i have denied it, pretending to myself
that i did not live in that house or swim in that water, i have
told the story of the "good" mistress, she who cherishes her
servants, those who need a firm hand to guide them, i have
denied being any kind of mistress, and have rejected
servitude, but failed to free anyone, simultaneously, i have
feared and then hated that powerful coupling, and have
resisted, tugged, perhaps, by a different tide.
but for every time i cried, "no! that isn't me!" a hundred
pairs of eyes saw a woman, only a woman, just a woman.
so here am i, unlearning, learning not to read words, but
the patterns that lie behind them, learning not only that i
cannot leap high enough to escape the water, but also that i
cannot live outside of it. learning what to unlearn, learning
then unlearning then learning,
and i don't like endings, either.
Body Knowledge
As a beginning teacher, I wanted my days to flow along smoothly. I
believed that good teachers had quiet, orderly classrooms, and I wanted to
be one. Now I understand that the appearance of order, the perception of
a quiet flow, can be misleading. Like a white noise that blocks other
sounds, silence can disguise what's really going on. Bodies can move or
freeze, bodies can grab or hide, within the background of silence. Now I
try to notice who is not talking and who is not actively participating. I try
to hear what things are said to girls differently than to boys. Most
importantly, I listen to what I say and do. I sometimes can catch myself
reproducing the limitations of the gender dichotomy, but usually after the
deed has been done. Recently, a kindergarten class came in to my
computer lab and two girls came up to me. One was crying and the other
73


one explained that she had bumped heads with Ricardo. I hugged her and
sympathized and acknowledged her hurt. Ricardo hovered in the
background, watching silently. I asked him if he hurt his head. He nodded
and I sympathized verbally and sent him to his seat. Not until later, when
I reflected on my day, did I realize what I had done. Although I
sometimes despair that I will never stop teaching kids that they are
gendered bodies, I am more aware of how each of us embodies and
participates in this process.
As a beginning teacher researcher, I want to continue to learn how
to "come to know even from silence" (Heshusius, 1994, p. 18) Silence is
now a marker for me. It marks the boundaries of power and privilege in
my classroom. As I listen for who is not speaking or is not being heard, "I
know that those who attempt to conform, to be invisible, also are disabled
by not being able to be themselves in their work" (Krieger 1996, p. 167). I
accept responsibility for acting on my assumptions and biases in ways
that prevent students from voicing their thoughts and feelings, whether
through language or the actions and expressions of their bodies. This
means that I must continue to find and recognize my own tacit and
somatic (Heshusius 1996) understandings, to understand better how I
have incorporated gender biases into the dance I do with the bodies in my
classroom. For even if "we are called to join in a dance whose steps must
be learned along the way,... we are responsible for our steps"(Bateson
1994, p. 10).
A body of elementary school kids is no less messy, leaky, squirmy,
and changing than a body of an individual girl or boy in elementary
school. So, too, this body of writing may appear uneven; spurting here,
lethargic there, sometimes appearing discontinuous and chaotic. But I
would claim that it is also held together by a sense of wholeness, by the
interconnectedness of the overlapping and interpenetrating systems of
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experience and perspective, and by the unity of my own identity as the
author. One heart pumps blood through the veins and arteries that
connect the entire body. The blood is recursively transformed through this
process: rich in oxygen, depleted, then oxygenated again. And yet, I did
not have to learn how to pump and oxygenate my blood, while I am
learning to be more aware of how I have incorporated cultural beliefs
about gender into my teaching practice. This body of writing is one way of
reflecting on my practice as a teacher, a researcher, a woman, and a
participant in "the larger cultural fields in which gender relations and the
dynamics of power, are constructed" (Thome 1997, p. 108).
Like the kids in Green River Elementary school, I learned how to be
a gendered body. I learned from my teachers, from other kids, from TV
and books. I learned from myself by making up meanings in the silences
where nobody talks about gender and/or bodies. I now (and again) see
myself as a practicing teacher, practicing a new way to teach. "To practice
anything ... is to repeat what appears to be the same action over and
over, attentively, mindfully, in a way that makes possible a gradual
-almost imperceptible at timesprocess of change" (Bateson 1994, p. 114).
The different bodies of text included in this chapter represent and re-
present themes that I continue to encounter, themes that are common to
many girls and women not only as bodies that were once dependent on
adults for care and survival, and as bodies that are watched and judged
and silenced, but also as bodies that are controlled and sexualized by
patriarchal, scientific discourses and practices (Haraway 1991).
I like to think that body knowledge is also a source of power and a
possibility to resist the dominant, dominating discourse. The body as
mind is a powerful metaphor for experiencing knowledge in ways that
might escape the constraints of our current gendering practices. The
tension that puzzles me, the one that pulls an identity between the desire
75


to be one of many and the desire to be oneself, can be contained within a
nondualistic reconceptualization of the self. In her article on participatory
consciousness, Lous Heshusius weaves together several different voices
that challenge the Cartesian dualism. She claims that these "tacit and
somatic modes of knowing all describe a nondescribable, nonaccountable
form of knowing that is crucial and vital (Heshusius 1994, p. 17) to
understanding both self and other. She does not, however, offer much
advice on just how I might write an account of this nonaccountable form
of knowing. For that, I draw my inspiration from Mary Catherine Bateson
and her challenge to embody multiple alternatives and to invent new
models for composing idenitities. She writes that it is time to move
beyond "the possibility of choosing an existing model and following it
toward a defined goal. The real challenge lies in assembling something
new" (Bateson 1989, p. 62). I would add that this new composition, this
new patchwork, new dance or practice, is not simply assembled, but must
be lived.
Mortal Bodies
I sit with Bob at the computer and ask him to show me
his favorite Web page. He says he has several, and we spend
some time looking at pages designed for computer and
video game players. Bob's favorite games are Dark Forces,
Jedi Knight, and Quake. I am interested in the stuff on Star
Wars, and we discuss the details that we've heard about the
new movie. I feel like I am talking to one of my sons and
sharing a common interest. He seems more interested in the
firepower of the space ships and the laser sabers that the
characters use than I am, but I am accustomed to this
difference with my own kids. After the computer crashes
and we have to restart, Bob types "wepons" in the Excite
search engine window.
I say to him, "Uh! Wait! I think there's an 'A' in weapons.
W-E-A." Bob says, "You're right," and makes the correction. I
say out loud that he is searching for weapons, as much to get
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the information recorded on the audio tape as to verify my
understanding.
Bob responds, "Yeah. Different kinds of weapons. I'm
really, I like that...
"Ahh. Real weapons, or... ?"
He replies, "Any old weapons."
As the search results come back and as we look at the list,
I think of the boys who killed so many people at Columbine
High School and wonder if they did searches like this. I
notice the tension in my back and try not to communicate
my unease to Bob, who is after all, only 11 years old. In the
background of my consciousness, I run through what I know
about Bob. He is very intelligent and outspoken but not very
popular. The other kids often tease him, and he doesn't
usually have a partner when he comes into the computer lab.
Bob is intent on the computer screen and mumbles,
"Military systems. Okay. Let's try this." Then he offers, "My
dad has a bunch a,... shotguns at,... his house. I watched a
bunch of Cyclon movies where they had ..." then he stops to
watch the new page appear. When the page loads in, I see a
woman in a very short, very tight, sleeveless, red dress
holding a semi-automatic gun at a jaunty angle off of her
hip. She has large breasts and long blond hair and is smiling
at us. I am shocked and can't think of anything to say about
we are looking at. It feels very wrong, but I don't know how
to talk to Bob about why.
Bob seems impressed or embarrassed, I am not sure
which. "That's actually, uh. I've never seen that before." He
laughs nervously.
I can only think to follow the conversation, to try to get
him to talk about what guns mean in his life. I ask, "So, uh,
your dad has weapons at his house. Do, is that your house?
Do you live with your dad?"
Bob answers, "Yeah. He's a big hunter ..."
I repeat, "He's a hunter. I don't want to talk about
hunting. "Who else lives in your house?"
"My mom and my brother." Bob answers without looking
away from the screen. He is clicking on links and seems to
be looking closely at pictures of guns rather than reading the
text. Suddenly Bob says, "Now, this one Ive never seen
before- It's a laser-shining pistol."
I lean closer and see die red line shining out from it, ". ..
That's what it looks like, you're right."
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Bob nods and points to the red line, "Yeah. There would
be a little scope for viewing a target."
I say, "A target, yeah."
Bob turns to me with enthusiasm and explains, "It would
be, just, easier to shoot this."
I am feeling more and more alarmed by this interest in
real-life, deadly weapons. Star Wars is one thing, this is
another. I find myself shifting in my seat, which suddenly
feels very hard and uncomfortable. My scalp itches. I realize
that I very strongly do not want to talk about guns. I try to
change the subject by asking Bob, "So, umm, who in your
house uses the computer?" Bob answers my questions about
computer use at home and then leaves the weapons site to
return to the Lucas Arts page (Interview Transcripts).
As I write up my notes, I think that this interview was the least
successful. It was, in many ways, the least comfortable for me, and not just
because of the weapons. It did not feel like we were engaged in a common
activity. Bob hardly looked away from the computer. He answered my
questions as briefly as possible and seemed the least responsive of all the
kids I interviewed. Except when we talked about the Star Wars movie, it
felt like a tug of war. I wanted him to answer my questions, and he only
wanted to look at weapons and fighting games.
There is much here that still remains obscure to me. Why did this
episode feel like such a double bind? Why did I not speak? Why was it
acceptable to allow a boy to use the computer to find and discuss weapons
despite my sense of discomfort? Why do I feel helpless in contexts of not
only physical violence, but also even where distant representations of
weapons appear or are discussed? My response to the eruption of violence
at Columbine High School was to speak out in the form of a poem. I did
speak/write. I circulated the poem among friends and a couple of Internet
list groups. But the imagery is rather solitary and silent. Traveling to the
fabric store to buy a ribbon is presented as a heart-pounding act of
courage. Simple acts such as leaving the safety of one's house, sewing a
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ribbon that symbolizes one's stance against violence, or writing and
speaking against violence in any form, can seem impossibly risky. In a
world where a person in a female body must continually deal with "the
fact that the danger of having a cunt is threatening enough to keep me
from doing as I please" (Muscio 1998, p. 150), speaking out, writing out, is
what I believe that I can do.
spring with no columbines
april 26,1999
"the ribbon is free,"
the woman said,
"it's the least that i can do."
the bite of her scissors severed
my piece
from the rest.
deftly, she wound the end back up
and returned it to its place on the shelf.
it was blue.
the blue curl lay
in the bottom of my sack.
the top clutched tightly,
in my hand,
sweaty with fear;
i held it from the greedy breath
of rage, which would
inhale all, not just my half yard.
all hurt and anger and loneliness
was blown out in gales and tears.
some tears leave bits with jagged edges,
some tears are spattered across the airwaves,
red.
home, with slippers and tea,
i take up my own memories,
scissors,
and thread:
a scrap of white ribbon from a doll for my niece,
a bead max's old bear once looked through,
sequins from some costume,
79


and one
safety-
pin.
my fingers do what they know,
and my sorrow,
stitching meaning into the seams of our madness.
this new thing we've made,
this badge, futile ward against loss,
my gift,
my love,
i pin above your still-beating heart,
it's the least that i can do.
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CHAPTER 4
BOOK BAGS AND SCHOOL SUPPLIES
When she was planning the book that ended up as Three
Guineas, Virginia Woolf wrote a heading in her notebook,
"Glossary"; she had thought of reinventing English
according to a new plan, in order to tell a different story.
One of the entries in this glossary is heroism, defined as
"botulism." And hero, in Woolfs dictionary, is "bottle.". .. It
makes sense to me. I am an adherent of what Fisher calls the
Carrier Bag Theory of human evolution.
This theory not only explains large areas of theoretical
obscurity and avoids large areas of theoretical nonsense
(inhabited largely by tigers, foxes, and other highly
territorial mammals); it also grounds me, personally, in
human culture in a way I never felt grounded before. So
long as culture was explained as originating from and
elaborating upon the use of long, hard objects for sticking,
bashing, and killing, I never thought that I had, or wanted,
any particular share in it. ("What Freud mistook for her lack
of civilization is woman's lack of loyalty to civilization,"
Lillian Smith observed.) The society, the civilization they
were talking about, these theoreticians, was evidently theirs;
they owned it, they liked it; they were human, fully human,
bashing, sticking, thrusting, killing. Wanting to be human
too, I sought for evidence that I was; but if that's what it
took, to make a weapon and kill with it, then evidently I was
either extremely defective as a human, or not human at all.
That's right, they said. What you are is a woman.
Possibly not human at all, certainly defective. Now be quiet
while we go on telling the Story of the Ascent of Man the
Hero.
Go on, say I, wandering off towards the wild oats, with
Oo Oo in the sling and little Oom carrying the basket. You
just go on telling how the mammoth fell on Boob and how
Cain fell on Abel and how the bomb fell on Nagasaki and
how the burning jelly fell on the villagers and how the
missiles will fall on die Evil Empire, and all the other steps
in the Ascent of Man.
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If it is a human thing to do to put something you want,
because it's useful, edible, or beautiful, into a bag, or a
basket, or a bit of rolled bark or leaf, or a net woven of your
own hair, or what have you, and then take it home with you,
home being another, larger kind of pouch or bag, a container
for people, and then later on you take it out and eat it or
share it or store it up for winter in a solider container or put
it in a medicine bundle or the shrine or the museum, the
holy place, the area that contains what is sacred, and then
the next day you probably do much the same againif to do
that is human, if that's what it takes, then I am a human
being after all. Fully, freely, gladly, for the first time.
Not, let it be said at once, an unaggressive or
uncombative human being. I am an aging, angry woman
laying mightily about me with my handbag, fighting
hoodlums off. However, I don't, nor does anybody else,
consider myself heroic for doing so. It's just one of those
damned things you have to do in order to be able to go on
gathering wild oats and telling stories (LeGuin 1989, pp.166-
68, italics original).
Writing Tools
In a recent flurry of housekeeping, I discovered an old box with
papers and documents that I have moved across the country with me for
years. In it I found a short story that I had written soon after my first child
was bom, long before I ever thought about being a teacher. This story was
hand-written on several pieces of business stationery that came from my
father's workplace. I also found a couple of letter-sized sheets of paper
where I had begun to transform my scribbling into an official document
through the use of a typewriter. I had only typed up half the story and
then it was packed away and long forgotten. As I held the thin, erasable
bond paper in my hands and looked at the non-proportional letters, some
slightly misaligned or smudged, I could feel the weight of the time and
frustration involved in typing up my thoughts. I remembered the ordeal
of organizing and presenting my words through the use of a typewriter as
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nearly overwhelming. This process of moving outward, of self-expression,
of connection through the written word, felt arduous, restrictive, time-
consuming, unforgiving, work, work, work. (But somehow, still
desirable!)
I gave up on that piece of work and on writing altogether for
several years as I directed my energies into raising a family and into
becoming a teacher. I struggled to learn how to teach writing, reading,
and other important activities as well as how to use the tools of my trade. I
remember these tools being blackboards and red pencils, assessments and
planning books, curriculum guides, mimeograph machines, scissors, and
lots of stencils. Then, during my second year of teaching, I was given a
computer to use in my classroom. All that year it sat in a comer and
gathered dust. I was too busy trying to cope with my job and working
toward my Master's degree. Learning how to use a computer was just one
more arduous, restrictive, time-consuming, unforgiving, bit of work.
The following year, I felt more comfortable as a teacher and could
devote more energy toward my graduate coursework. During my
Teaching Elementary Mathematics course, a professor came in one
afternoon to talk about computers. I don't remember what he said, but I
felt inspired to overcome my avoidance of the computer. He convinced
me (although he didnt know what one woman in a room full of them was
silently thinking to herself) that the computer was the tool of the future.
He communicated his passion for the power of computers to teach
children and to prepare them for the world they would meet as adults.
From that moment on, I took as many computer courses as I could.
I began to teach LOGO programming to my fourth and fifth graders. I
remember the satisfaction I felt when 28 kids and myself crowded around
the Apple He monochrome computer to watch the little green triangle
move around on the screen and beep. Another activity I learned to do
83


with the computer was writing. I wrote my Master's thesis on a computer
and marveled at the relative ease of typing and revising. Shortly after my
last child was bom, I began to write again, using my home computer. I
could be interrupted (and I often was) and easily save my work and pick
it up again. My typing speed increased while my handwriting
deteriorated. The computer changed the way I taught, wrote, and thought
about teaching, writing, and thinking. That's what I was thinking. What I
felt was that the computer changed me.
Tools for Thinking, Tools for Being
As I think and feel my way through my research, I understand that
a tool can be material (like a spear or a computer) or nonmaterial (like a
metaphor, a story, or a theory) and that my use of a tool changes my
situation by helping me to build or reach something I want, or by
demonstrating that the tool is not appropriate for the goal I desire. I might
also learn more about general tool use and how to choose the most
appropriate tool for the situation. Using a tool also changes the activity in
which I am a participant. My early writing activity changed from an
arduous, time-consuming process to something more fluid and flexible.
The goal also changes because once the initial, envisioned goal is (or is
not) attained, another one arises to take its place. Or I might decide to give
up on that goal and stop engaging in that activity. Tool use not only
changes the situation or context, the activity, and the goal, but it also
changes the user.
Tool use is a key factor in "Activity theory ... [which] ... embeds
consciousness in a wider activity system and describes a dynamic by
which changes in consciousness are directly related to the material and
social conditions current in a persons situation" (Nardi, 1996, p. 13). I
changed from being someone who did not write and who avoided
84


computers to someone who is a writer and a techie. I not only identify
myself this way, but I am often recognized as such by others.
The relationship between tool use and identity, or changing
identity, is one I want to better understand. I have experienced this kind
of change in myself, and I observe it in others. Because of my early
research and my reading about kids and computers, I know that girls do
not use the computer as often as boys do, or even in the same ways. I see
this in myself when I notice that I am word processing with the computer
and my husband not only uses the word processor, but also seeks out
computer games and spends time playing them. He talks to friends and
other interested people about them, about high scores and secret codes
and tricks to get to the next level. It's not that I don't play computer
games, but I didn't think to seek them out until I had seen him doing that.
I don't often engage in conversations with others about them (unless I am
talking to teachers or parents about educational computer games). I also
dont usually like the kinds of games he does, and I don't play as often as
he does. I could come up with lots of reasonable explanations as to why
this happens, but when I read research that claims that this difference can
be found in many situations, with many different ages of females and
males, and with many different types of technology, I want to push past
my own reasonable explanations.
Activity theory is one tool that I use to understand the relationship
between tools, people, and activities like learning. This theory describes
an activity system that is composed of an subject or agent, an object or
goal, and a tool to mediate the subject's relationship to her/his object. "An
object (in the sense of objective) is held by the subject and motivates
activity, giving it a specific direction" (Nardi, 1996, p. 73). If I take myself
as the subject and my goal as understanding what is happening around
the classroom computers, then my tools are my research methodology, my
85


conceptual framework, my notes, my past associations with these kids
and their teacher, myself, and the computer. If I take the kids as the
subjects, then the tool is the computer, but the goals become as complex as
my list of my tools. For some of the kids, the computer is used to complete
tasks assigned by the teacher, for others it seems like a means to get out of
the classroom, while for others it's a way to demonstrate their status or
control over others.
Constructing an Escape Route
I sit watching Morgan, Mark, Will, and Ron work at the
computer. They search for information for their group
project on Martin Luther King, Jr. Mark clicks the mouse and
Morgan, sitting behind him, jumps up several times to point
to buttons or links on the screen to tell him what to click on.
Will makes comments occasionally and also looks around
the classroom. Ron keeps getting up to talk to Ms.Forrest
about some test they will be taking tomorrow.
Ms. Forrest calls out for people to hand in their history
papers. When Mark leaves to hand in his paper, Morgan
stands up and takes over the mouse. She clicks the back
button. Ron moves over to sit in Mark's chair and takes the
mouse from Morgan. Morgan doesn't protest. She sits down
in her chair and watches. When Mark returns, he sits in
Ron's chair and watches. Ron clicks on a link and the
program crashes. They all suddenly look at me and I say to
click the Okay button and then start over again. The
computer restarts. Ron clicks once on Netscape and sits back
to wait for the program to start. Morgan stands and reaches
over to double click the mouse so that Netscape will start.
(One click doesn't do it.) Then she sits back down.
Ron goes to the bookmarked search engine, Yahooligans,
and types 'MLK.' Morgan tells him, "Junior." Will also says,
"Junior." Ron types 'jr' and Morgan presses the period key on
the keyboard with unnecessary force as if she's angry. Ron
clicks the search button and the results appear right away.
Morgan jumps up and points at the screen, saying, "Go
down! I know which one it was. Mark chose the first one."
Ron clicks on something different.
86


We see lots of small photos.
Ron says, "Can we print all of them?"
I say, "I dont think you need that many. You can click on
one and we'll see it bigger and then you can print that one."
They discuss which one to print, each stating which one
she or he wants. It seems like they each want a different one.
Ron clicks one and we see a picture fill the screen.
Morgan leans back, frowning, and says, "Well, I get to go
get this one."
WiU says, "No! I do!"
Mark says, "I get to!"
Morgan sits down and folds her arms across her chest
and insists, "I get to get it."
Ron points to Will and then clicks the print button,
waving Will to go. Will goes out of the room and down the
hall to the printer in the Computer Lab.
Morgan mutters, "Like I'm not going to run down the hill
after him."
Mark looks at her wide-eyed and asks, "There's a hill in
the hall?"
Morgan answers angrily, "Yes!" and looks down at her
feet.
They wait. After a few minutes, Morgan looks up and
says, "Where's Will?"
I miss Wills return because I hear some kids talking in
very intent tones. I look away from the computer and see
Ethan talking to Kathy. They are standing by the
bookshelves at the back of the room. Their voices are low,
but something about them catches my attention.
Ethan tells Kathy, "Just get the bathroom pass and go do
it."
Kathy protests, 'You're not supposed to!"
Ethan continues, "I always do!" He emphasizes the word,
'I.'
They notice me listening and move away. Kathy doesn't
leave the room with or without the bathroom pass while I
am here this morning.
After Will returns with the print out, Ms. Forrest sends
Rose, Jill, Melissa, Ethan, and Tom to find information for
their group project. Rose gets to the computer first and takes
the mouse, then sits down. The rest of group sits in chairs
crowded around the computer. They work for a while
discussing options and finally Rose prints some information
87


on the Underground Railroad. She gets up to go get what
she printed. Ethan takes the mouse and they discuss
whether or not they need some pictures. Ethan finds a
picture and prints it. He gets up and leaves. Rose hasn't
gotten back, yet. Jill scoots in and takes the mouse. She says
she wants to find that poem they saw before when Rose was
having her turn. Tom said he was joking when he suggested
that they print the poem. Jill asks me if they can print poems.
I say it's up to them to decide what they need for their
project.
After a few moments of searching, Jill finds the poem. By
now both Rose and Ethan have returned. They all seem to be
reading it and then Jill looks around and says, "Should we
print this?"
Melissa says, "We have enough information," but nobody
pays any attention to her. The others all say, "Aye!"
Jill turns back to the computer and Tom says, "Oh, No!"
A window has opened up on the screen to say that Netscape
has been disconnected.
I point to the computer and say, "That's okay. You can
still print this because it's up on the screen."
Jill clicks print.
Tom says, "Can I go get it?"
Ethan says, "Yeah."
Jill jumps up and says, "No, Im gonna go get it," but
keeps her hand on the mouse.
Ethan says to Tom, "Just go." Tom doesn't stop heading
for the door.
Jill says, "But I printed it!" She's kind of smiling, and
doesn't seem to really expect to go or mind that the boys tell
her she can't.
Ethan sits down and says, "That rule doesn't apply any
more."
Jill sits down and they continue to search until Ms.
Forrest tells them their time is up. The next group she sends
is Mary, Emma, and Jewel. Emma sits down first and takes
the mouse. Mary and Jewel sit down and Mary suggests that
they look up Corretta Scott King. The other two agree.
Emma uses the mouse to get to Yahooligans and then begins
to type in the name. Mary asks if that's how its spelled. I
look at what Emma is typing and spell Corretta for her.
Jewel asks, "Is that, like, his wife?"
Mary says, "Yeah, Martin Luther King's wife."
88


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