Citation
Parlor stage

Material Information

Title:
Parlor stage a collection of charades and proverbs
Creator:
Frost, S. Annie ( Sarah Annie )
Place of Publication:
New York
Publisher:
Dick & Fitzgerald
Publication Date:
Language:
English
Physical Description:
vi, 368 pages : ; 20 cm

Subjects

Subjects / Keywords:
Amateur plays ( lcsh )
Amateur plays ( fast )
Genre:
non-fiction ( marcgt )

Notes

Statement of Responsibility:
by S. Annie Frost.

Record Information

Source Institution:
University of Florida
Rights Management:
All applicable rights reserved by the source institution and holding location.
Resource Identifier:
04146998 ( OCLC )
ocm04146998
Classification:
PN6120.A5 S554 ( lcc )
793 ( ddc )

Auraria Membership

Aggregations:
Literature Collections

Full Text




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THE
PAELOE STAGE,
A COLLECTION OP
CHARADES AND PROVERBS,
INTENDED FOR THE DRAWING ROOM OR SALOON, AND REQUIRING
NO EXPENSIVE APPARATUS OF SCENERY OR PROPERTIES
FOR THEIR PERFORMANCE.
BY
S. ANNIE FROST.
NEW YORK:
DICK & FITZGERALD, PUBLISHERS.


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PREFACE.
Very few words are necessary to explain the precise intention
of these little domestic dramas. They are intended solely for
performance by small circles of friends, in private parlors or
saloons, and require but little trouble or expense to render them
effective. The plots are simple and intelligible, although some-
times a striking dramatic situation, or strong contrast of character,
has been attempted. The dresses are almost all of die present
day, and the properties such as are to be found in every well-
appointed house, with the single exception of a curtain. This
can be put up at a very trifling expense, and where there are
folding or sliding doors, can be entirely dispensed with.
As to the propriety of indulging in this species of recreation, it
appears to be generally conceded. School dialogues and charades
come under the same category. They are the most innocent and
improving form of dramatic entertainment, a species of amuse-
ment almost as universal and ancient as language itself.


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Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1868, by
DICK & FITZGERALD,
In the Clerks office of the District Court of the United States for the South-
ern District of New York.
Love jot & Son,
Electrotypeks and Stereotype ns.
15 Yaixlewnter street N. Y.


CONTENTS.
FAGE
Acting Charades:
Matrimony.......................................... 7
Misfortune........................................ 23
Stage-struck...................................... 41
Marplot........................................... 59
Mad-cap........................................... 75
Inconstant........................................ 89
Domestic..........................................103
Purse-proud.......................................115
Bridegroom...................................... 129
Mistake...........................................139
Manage............................................153
Masquerade........................................169
Masterpiece.......................................183
Stratagem.........................................197
Antidote..........................................215
Dramatic..........................................229
Refinement........................................245
Love-sick.........................................259
Wayward...........................................269
Manager...........................................285


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MATRIMONY.


Y1
CONTENTS.
PAGE
Acting Proverbs:
Faint Heart never won Fair Lady........................313
Theres many a Slip twixt the Cup and the Lip.........323
When Poverty comes in at the Door, Love flies out at
the Window........................................335
All that Glitters is not Gold..........................345
Charades in Tableaux Vivants:
Falsehood............................................ 355
Penitent...............................................356
Mendicant..............................................357
Novice.................................................359
Washington.............................................360
Mischief...............................................361
Knighthood............................................ 363
Proverbs in Tableaux:
When the cats away, the mice will play................365
Theres no rose without a thorn........................366
Killing two birds with one stone.......................366
It is no use to cry over spilt milk....................366
Listeners hear no good of themselves...................367
Do not trifle with edged tools.........................367
Charity begins at home............................... 368


MATRIMONY.
Scene I. [Ma.]
Mrs. Hamilton's parlor. A table in the centre of room, with a look-
ing-glass upon it. A pamphlet novel hidden under the table. Two
chairs, and a sofa.
Curtain rises, discovering Arabella richly dressed, standing before
the glass arranging her dress. Ellen, dressed in simple white, on
the sofa, reading.
Arabella. Nellie, are you ready ?
Ellen. Yes, Bella, and almost -weary of waiting. You
were fully three hours dressing. It is very tiresome to go
to parties of this kind so late.
Arabella. Late ? "Why tis only ten oclock One
makes more of a sensation by coining in after the company
have assembled. It is so delightful to sweep up the room,
hearing on all sides, "What a glorious creature ! A
perfect Juno! Who is she? Oh, Nellie I this is
indeed perfect enjoyment. J
Ellen. Is it? Well, I wish maAvould come. I am
sure it is fully late enough now.
Enter Mas. Hamilton and Kated, cairying shawls, hoods, and
gloves.
Mrs. Hamilton. Are you ready, girls ? My dear Ara-
bella, you are superb to-night. Ah, Nellie! are you there ?
Why, how simply you are dressed, my love Why do you
not wear your rubies ? V
Arabella. Nellie lent them to me, map to be reset in


CHARACTERS.
Count Lorenzo de Vaurien, a foreign Nobleman* alias John
Brown, a barber.
Charles Harper, Mrs. Hamilton's nephew.
*** Dennis, Ike Irishman as does the waiting.
Mrs. Hamilton, a rich widow.
Arabella, ) ^ier daughters.
Ellen, J
Katie, the lady's maid.
PROPERTIES.
Chairs, Sofa, Table, Looking-glass, Books on table, Pamphlet
Novel, Busier, Bell, Basket of Sewing.
Valises, Carpet-bags, Band-boxes, Shawls, Umbrellas, Cloaks, as
many as a man can possibly carry.


MATRIMONY.
11
Arabella. Come, Nellie, you can put on your shawl in
the hall. [Exit*
Katie. Stop, Miss Ellen, let me fix you. My, how
sweet you do look! There, now you are all ready. You
look as pretty as Miss Bella, with all her jewelry.
Ellen. Pshaw Give me my gloves.
Katie. Miss Ellen, Mr. Charles left a bouquet in the
vase on the stairs for you. You -were dressing when he
called, and he had not time to wait. Hes uncommon fond
of you, miss.
Ellen. Nonsense What would ma say ? Shes wait-
ing. Good night, Katie ! [Exit.
Katie. Good night, miss What would ma say ? Well,
whatever shed say youd do, thats certain ; for if she aint
captain in this family, Im mistaken. [ Takes the novel from
under the table.] Now theyre all gone, and they wont he
home till two or three oclock, so Ill just finish the Wast-
ed Heart and Blighted Hopes. Its such a sweet story.
[Reads.'] The situation of the lovers was now truly
critical. Oh, how interesting! Edgardo was nearly
distracted at discovering his mother. Oh my lies got a
ma, too !
Enter Dennis.
Dennis. Arrah, Katie, is it there ye are ?
Katie. No, sir, its here I am.
Dennis. Sure, its lighting the parlor ye are with your
purty eyes !
Katie. Blarney! What do you want ?
Dennis. Sure, Katie, its you I want.
Katie. Well, you aint the first thats wanted me. What
else ?
-Dennis. Katie, sure youre my hearts desire. Katie,
arrah, darlint, dont you think you could love me just a
little wee bit ?


10
MATRIMONY.
my crown for the fancy party to-morrow evening. You
know we concluded that Josephine, as an empress, must
wear only real jewels.
Mns. Hamilton. Ah, yes, I remember. Now*, girls,
recollect all I told you this afternoon. You are to meet,
this evening, Count de Yaurien, who is the parti, this win-
ter. He is handsome, titled, and very wealthy. He sure
you exert yourselves. I am very anxious to secure him for
one or the other of you, and to do this you must aid me.
Arabella. Oh, indeed we will, majfP^Countess de
Yaurien My heart throbs at the mere mention of it.
Mrs. Hamilton. You, too, Ellen. He may prefer sweet
simplicity. Be sure you encourage any attentions.
Ellen. Y-e-e-s, ma, [Aside.] Dear Charles!
Enter Dennis.
Dennis. Af yees plase, the carridge is coom. [Exit.
Mrs. Hamilton. Very well, Dennis. Dear me I have
forgotten my fan. Go to my room, Katie. No, come
with me; I can find it sooner myself, and I want you to
arrange my shaw-l.
[Exeunt Mrs. Hamilton and Katie.
Arabella. Oh, how my heart throbs with delightful
anticipations! Nellie dear, will you arrange my cloak?
Dear me dont pitcli it at me How absent-minded you
are So! Thats it! Thank you !
Ellen. How particular you are about your cloak and
hood.
Arabella. Yes, I am. Because, my sweet simplicity,
one may meet ones fate in the hall, and first impressions
are so powerful.
Enter Katie.
Katie. Your ma is in the carriage, waiting for you,
young ladies.


MATRIMONY.
13
Enter Charles Haepee.
Charles. Ah, Katie, good morning Ladies at home ?
Katie. Good morning, sir 1 Mrs. Hamiltons gone with
that Count to see some pictures, and Miss Bellas gone with
her.
Charles. Ah, gone with Count de Vaurien, have they ?
But KellieMiss Ellen, I mean ?
Katie. Land, sir, you neednt mind me. You can call
her Nellie, if its any relief to your feelings. [Sighs.
Charles. Why, Katie, what are you sighing for ?
Come, cheer up, and tell me something. Miss Ellen goes
out a great deal lately, dont she ?
Katie. Yes, poor thing!
Charles. Boor thing Why, doesnt she enjoy it ?
Katie. No, sir. Miss Ellen aint of a festivitous disposi-
tion. Shes like Henrietta Ophelia Seraphina Georgiana,
in the Wasted Heart and Blighted Hopes she----------
Charles. Why, Katie, do you read novels ?
Katie. Yes, if you please, sir, when the ladies is out in
the evening. Im waiting for my fate, Mr. Charles, but
hes orful long acoming.
Charles. Katie, tell me, do you think Miss Ellen likes
anybody in particular ?
Katie. Oh yes, sir ; shes uncommon fond of her ma.
Charles. But I mean any gentleman. Now I know a
young gentleman thats very much attached to Miss Ellen,
and hes afraid to toll her so.
Katie. Oh my, how bashful, to be sure !
Charles. You see, Katie, lies afraid to try.
Katie. Oh, hed better try, sir. Id advise him to try,
Though taint no use. Miss Ellens in love with some-
body else.


12
MATRIMONY.
Katie. I never tried.
'** Dennis. "Wont you tiny ? Sure, Katie, its loving you
I am from the bottom of my heart.
Katie. Do you love me, Dennis ?
Dennis. Dont I, just ? [Kisses her.
Katie. Oh, Dennis! what would ma say ?
Dennis. I thought you were an orphan, Katie, and
hadnt any ma !
Katie. So I am. I was only quotationing from Miss
Ellen. Dennis!
Dennis. "Well, darlint!
Katie. Come with me into the pantry, Ive got the
most beautiful little supper for you.
Dennis. Mavoumeen, youre the jewel of the world !
Katie. Oysters, Dennis, and waffles Come !
[JExeunt. Curtain falls.
Scene 3XSame as first. [Try.]
Curtain rises, discovering Katie dusting.
Katie. Oh dear, how tired I am, to be sure Up every
night till two or three in the morning, when the young
ladies come home from the grand parties, and Miss Bella
wont let anybody touch her hair but me. Miss Ellen,
bless her heart! aint never no trouble to nobody; but
Miss Bella always comes home as cross as a bear. Nobody
but a ladys maid knows the trials of the situation. Theres
that Count comes here a sparking Miss Bella, with mous-
taches all ovei' his face; hes as imperent. Tried to kiss
me last night. The idea! It was well for him Dennis
wasnt about. If it had been Mr. Charles-- Somebodys
coming!


MATRIMONY.
15
Katie, (aside.) Well, I am of a forgiving disposition.
Ill ease his mind. [Aloud.] Mr. Charles, are you in love
with Miss Ellen ?
Charles. Yes, Katie, I love her devotedly !
Katie. Well, Mr. Charles, just you try your luck. I
dont tell you nothing, but just you try.
Charles. And you think-----------
Katie. Lor, sir, I dont think. I aint of age, and aint
got no right to think. ButMiss Ellen loves somebody
not a thousand miles off.
Charles, (starting up joyfully.) Katie, I must have that
kiss.
Katie, (running off.) Catch me, then!
^ Enter Dennis.
Charles. Ill try. [Runs against Dennis.
Dennis, (opening Ms arms.) Sure, Mistker Charles, do
you want to embrace me ? Im willing, sir.
Charles. So, Dennis, you are taking care of Katie, are
you?
Dennis. Sure, sir, Im hoping to do that same when
weve money enough laid up.
Charles, (giving Mm money.) Well, add that to your
stock.
Dennis, (bowing.) Sure, good luck till ye, sir. May
ye have the beautiful girl yeve got in your own eye, sir,
for a wife.
Charles, (laugMng.) Amen! Take care of Katie, Den-
nis ; shes a good girl.
Dennis. Sure, sir, Ill thry.
[Curtain falls.


14
MATEIMONY.
Charles, (furiously.) Somebody else Who is it? the
puppy! Ill wring his neck.
Katie, (aside.) I knew Id make him own up. Hes in
love with her himself, and I know she loves him. Shall I
tell him to try his hick? I will. [Aloud.) Lor, Mr.
Charles, you must be uncommon fond of that gentleman
you was mentioning!
Charles, (aside.) Shes not such a fool, after all. Ill
coax her. [Aloud, putting his arm around her waist. ] Katie,
my dear Katie. Youre a good girl. Youre very fond of
Miss Ellen, are you not ? I am sure you are a good girl,
Katie.
Katie, (aside.) Blarney Wonder whats coming now ?
Charles. Katie, what pretty lips you have I quite
long to taste them. May I try ?
Katie, (stepping away from him.) Oh, Mr. Charles, how
you talk Theres nobody round, and I know you wont
take advantage of my being alone.
Charles. Not for the world !
Katie, (wiping her lips.) Youre stronger than I am, to
be sure, Mr. Charles.
Charles, (aside.) I wonder, now, if Ellen is out. I
shouldnt like her to catch me kissing Katie. [Aloud.']
You are very cruel to refuse me just one kiss.
Katie, (aside.) Stupid! Why dont he take it ?
Charles. Katie, tell me. You think Miss Ellen is in
love ? Ive half a mind to try for that kiss.
Katie. You shant have it! Yes, Mr. Charles, I think
Miss Ellen is in love. [Aside.] And if I dont torment
you, Im mistaken.
Charles, (despairingly.) All, I see how it is! That vil-
lainous Count has had the whole field to himself, and he
has won her. Cruel, cruel girl! down, sighing.


MATRIMONY.
17
him ?zeze violet viz ze eau de Cologne. Ah, perfection
cannot be flattered!
Arabella, (affectedly.) Dearest Lorenzo, you quite
overpower me!
Count. Can I have ze plaisir to see your channante
mamma ? I cannot rest till I have ask her consent tomy
lifeto call you mine.
Arabella, (bashfully.) Oil, Count! I will tell mamma
you are here. [Count lasses her hand.
[Exit Arabella.
Count, (in good English.) John Brown, you are in luck !
That splendid creature fairly idolizes you. Think of being
her husband, and fingering the rocks old Hamilton left!
To be sure, it is a sacrifice for a man of your attractions to
settle down to a married life ; but, the money, old boy, the
money!
Enter Katie.
Katie. If you please, sir, Mrs. Hamiltons waiting for
you in the library. Ill show you the way. [Exit.
Count, (in broken English.) I come, most sharming
Katie. [Exit.
Enter Charles Harper.
Charles. It is all over. The lawsuit upon which my
whole fortune depended was decided against me this morn-
ing. Iam penniless; and Ellenah, I dare not think of
her ! [*$?:& down sadly.
Enter Ellen.
Ellen. You here, Charles ? Why, cousin, whats the
matter ?
Charles. My lawsuit was decided against me this
morning.
Ellen. Is that all ?
2


16
MATRIMONY.
Scene III.Same as before. [Monet.]
Enter Mrs. IIa^ulton and Arabella.
Mrs. Hamilton. Well, my love Count de Vaurien
will soon be here, to have a private interview with me. Pie
asked permission last evening, while you were dancing
with your cousin Charles. Of course he has proposed ?
Arabella. Oh yes, last evening, in the conservatory.
I was bashful, reluctant, of course ; but referred him to
you. Oh ma, what a puppy he is !
Mrs. Hamilton. Yes, my love, but so rich! Mrs.
Grundy says he counts his money by hundreds of thou-
sands. [Bell rings.] Ah, there he is I will go up stairs,
love Let him see you a moment alone: it will inspire
him. [Exit.
Arabella. Dear me, it is very tiresome to marry that
conceited puppy but then, as ma says, he is very wealthy.
Katie, (behind the scenes.) If you try to kiss me again,
sir, Ill tell Dennis !
Count, (behind the scenes.) All, my sharming Katie you
vill not have ze cruelty.
Arabella. So flirting with Katie Just wait till were
married, sir, and then if you kiss my maid-------! Hes
coming!
Enter Count de Vaurlen*.
Count, (in broken English.) Ah, my angel, have I ze
felicite to see you zis morning ? Je suis charme. You
have ze goodness to look at me viz zoze dazzling orbs. Ah,
zey are magnifique, angelique.
Arabella. Ah, Count, I fear you arc a sad flatterer !
Count. My life I To flatter you would be, as ze Guil-
liamme Shakspcare do say, to put ze silvere on ze fine gold ;
to meitez ze rouge on ze lily; to sprinkle zehow you call


MATRIMONY.
19
Ellen, (embart'assed.) I thoughtII hopedII*
fearedI--------
Charles. You loved ? Thinking, hoping, fearing, are
all symptoms of that blessed state of existence. You love
me, then, in spite of poverty ?
Ellen. It is you I love, Charles, not your money.
Enter Katie, singing.
Charles, (embracing Ellen.) My own dear love My
dearest Ellen!
Katie. Oh, land I hope T aint intruding ?
Charles. Come Ellen, we will find your mother.
[Exeunt Charles and Ellen.
Katie. Come, Ellen, we will find your mother! It
appears to me the old lady is in demand to-day. Ive half
a mind to marry Dennis, if its only to be in the fashion.
He told me last night he had a little money laid up, and
Ive got a little, and as two littles make a much, I think
we might manage to---------"Well, Ill see this evening.
[Curtain falls.
Scene IV.Same as before. [Matrimony.]
Curtain rises, discovering Mrs. Hamilton, sewing.
Mrs. Hamilton. Well, my children will be at home to-
day, after their wedding tour. I long to see my daughter
the Countess, and poor dear Nellie. It was quite a trial to
have her marry my nephew, after his loss : but then it is a
great relief to have ones daughters fairly launched into
matrimony.
Enter Dennis and Katie.
Well, Katie, wliat is wanted ?
Katie. If you please, Dennis and I would like to give
warning, mum.


18
MATRIMONY.
Charles. All! Why, is not tliat enough? I am a beggar.
Ellen. Dear Charles, how absurd! A young man, in
health, and with a profession and talent, to talk of being a
beggar / Fie, cousin I thought you were braver.
Charles. That is not the worst. [Pathetically.\ My
dearest hopes are blighted.
Ellen, [mocking him.) Blighted, are they ? Come,
cousin, cheer up Tell me your troubles.
Charles. I will! You shall be my confidante. Know
then, dear Ellen, I am in love.
Ellen, fuming away.) You, cousin ?
Charles. Yes, with the sweetest angel the sun ever
shone upon. I love her to distraction, and now I must
resign her.
Ellen, {trembling.) Why, cousin ?
Charles. Can I ask her to share poverty, perhaps toil ?
Never !
Ellen, [much agitated.) If she loves you---------
Charles, (looking at her keenly.) I do not even know
that. I have never dared to ask her, and nowhow can I
propose to her to share my lot ?
Ellen, (standing erect, facing him, and speaking in a
firm voice.) If she loves you, cousin, she will never ask
whether you are rich or poor. If the loss of your fortune
will influence her, she is unworthy of you. Go to her
bravelytell her all. Test her love, and\in a lower ione\
and may all success attend you, cousin; and [agitated\
may you be very happy, Charles. [ Turns to leave him.
Charles (stopping her.) Stay, Nellie. See how well I
follow your advice. I stand bravely before you. You
know how poor I am, yet I dare to sayI love you.
Ellen, (joyfully.) Love me ?
Charles. Have you not seen it ?


MATRIMONY.
21
All. A barber!
Enter Dennis, loaded with caipet-bags, shawls, etc., which he keeps
dropping and trying to pick up.
Dennis. Ay its plasing till yees, heres the little traps
yees tould me to bring in.
[Through the whole of the following dialogue, Dennis keeps start-
ing forward to interrupt the speakers, hut is hindered by dropping
some of the baggage he carries. ]
Arabella. Oh, Nellie, send him away! Dont let me
see him!
Ellen. Who, Bella ? Dennis ?
Ababella. No, no ; the barber.
Ellen. Dear Bella, if he loves yon, and you love him,
you may be very happy, even with a barber.
Arabella. Love him! Oh, Nellie, Nellie, how matri-
mony has opened my eyes !
Mrs. Hamilton. Oh, my poor children! How much
they are to be pitied !
Ellen. Dont pity me, mamma. We are very happy ;
aint we Charles ?
Charles. Indeed we are! [To audience.] And, ladies
and gen-----
Ellen, (interrupting him.) Excuse me, love, but ladies
take the precedence here. [To audience.\ Ladies and--------
Arabella, (interrupting her.) Beally, Nellie, you are
very forward. I have the best right to speak. [To au-
dience.\ Ladies and gentlemen, I am-------
Count, (interrupting her.) My dear, pray do not excite
yourself. You are too nervous, love, to undertake this. I
wilirelieve you. [To audience.'] Ladies and gentlemen------
' Mrs. Hamilton. (interrupting him.) Abase impostor,
sir. How dare you address my guests [To audience,]
Ladies------


MISFORTUNE.


22
MATRIMONY.
Katie, (interrupting her.) Beg pardon, mum, but I
think I have the least to do here. You all have your fam-
ily cares. Mine have not commenced yet, but if [to ciudi-
ence\ these ladies and gentlemen will call again in a week
or two, Dennis and I will give them our opinion of matri-
mony. Eh, Dennis ?
Dennis, (dropping all the baggage, takes her hand.) Yis,
if yees plase. [Curtain falls.
Position of characters at fall of curtain :
Katie, Dennis,
Count, Mbs. Hamilton, Arabella, Ellen, Charles.


MISFORTUNE.
^ Scene I. [Miss.]
A parlor, handsomely furnished. A table, with a looking-glass,
books, and two or three pamphlet novels upon it. A sofa, and
some chairs. A piano, open.
Enter Betsy, very shabbily dressed, carrying a saucer af blacking,
blacking-brush, and duster.
Betsy, (crying.) Oh, how my head does aclic I think
Miss Green might a found something softer than the broom-
handle to whack me with, jest a cause the furnace fire
went out. I cant be everywhere at onct, so I cant, and
Ive blacked six grates this blessed morning. Oh dear I
I wish uncle Johnd come home. I never gets nobody to
pet me now, since he went away to the Injies. Wisht I
knowd the way to the Injies, Id walk right out there to-
morrow. Now, whod ever think I was Miss Greens hus-
bands cousin, the way Im treated ? I jest wisht I was a
nigger, or a magpie, or something nother. Im so tired, I
jest ache all over. I was up all night, clearing away after
Miss Seraphinys party. Miss Green said twerent no
difference about my going to bed. They wouldnt give mo
no ice-cream neither, cepting what was left on the plates,
and I do love it so Oh dear, how my head does ache !
I wont clean another grate this day, so I w'ont. There!
down on the floor.]
Mrs. Green,(behind the scenes.) "Wheres that good-for-
nothing, lazy, stupid, idiot of a girl ?


CHARACTERS.
Mrs. Green, a Widow Lady.
Seeaphina, her Daughter, a fashionable young Lady.
Augustus, her Son, a lisping Dandy.
Auphonso Cantcomitoglio, a foreign Dancing-maslei'.
Betsy, Mrs. Green's husband's cousin, the maid of all wot'k.
PROPERTIES.
A Table, Chairs, a Sofa, a Looking-glass, Pamphlet Novel, Bell,
Saucer of Blacking, Blacking-brush, Duster, Violin, Piano.


MISFORTUNE.
27
Betsy. Cleaning grates, miss, does it, without any con-
triving.
Seraphima, {raising a vinaigrette.) Ugh! Its, really
shocking. There, go away Betsy, you are really quite an
eyesore.
Betsy, [aside.) I wonder what Ill be next? Miss
Green called me a noosance, and now Im a nisore. [Going.
Seraphima. Stay, Betsy ; my eyes are fatigued with the
glare of light last evening, and I do not feel equal to the
exertion of reading. You know how to read ; you shall fin-
ish reading to me the Lone Lovers of the Wilderness.
Betsy. Oh, Miss Seraphiny, Ive got all the grates to
clean, and the beds to make, and the rooms to sweep, and
the knives to rub, and the dinner to cook, and the rest of
the work to do, and Miss Green ll half kill me if taint
done.
Seraphima. Impudence Do you dare to answer me 1
Sit down there this instant, and take the book.
[iGives her a pamphlet from off the table.
Betsy, (crying.) Miss Green ll
Seraphina. How often must you be told not to call ma
Miss Green ? Cant you say Mrs. Green, you idiot ? I am
Miss Green.
Betsy, (going away,) Yes, miss
Seraphina. Come back here I declare, it is enough
to try the patience of a saint! Sit down there, and read to
me, and if you miss one word, youll go without your
dinner.
Betsy, (aside.) Well, its a savin o perwisions to snub
me, anyhow!
Seraphina. What are you saying ? Now begin. Oh,
you neednt come so close. Your clothes are far too dirty
to touch me. How can you go about, looking so You


26
MISFORTUNE.
Betsy. Thats me I dont care !
Enter Mrs. Green.
Mrs. Green, (twitching Betsy up on her feet.) Well, I
declare! Sitting down, doing nothing Upon my word !
I wonder what girls will do next 7 [Shakes Betsy violently.']
What do yon mean 7 You trial of patience. You are a
perfect nuisance. What do you mean, I say !
Betsy. Oh please, I dont mean nothing, mum. Oh !
how you do pinch my arm! Oh! Ill never do so no
more.
Mrs. Green, (pushing her toward the grate.) There, go
clean that grate. If it aint done when I come in here again,
youll get no dinner, miss. [Exit.
Betsy, (brushing the grate.) I dare say. I never does
get half enough to eat, nohow. They gives great parties
all the while, and then if I asks for a little more dinner,
they cant afford it. Oh how Miss Green did pinch me !
Jest look at me Whod ever think I was a perfect little
beauty when uncle John went away ? Miss Green was to
treat me like her own child, she was ; jest exactly the same
as Seraphiny, she promised uncle John. Oh, if hed only
come home again !
Enter Seraphina.
Seraphina, (sinking upon the sofa.) Well, my party was
a success, and in the confusion I had an opportunity to see
Alphonso twice. Dear creature, how his misfortunes
touch me [Betsy sneezes.] Seraphina, (starting.) Why,
Betsy are you there ?
Betsy, (coming forward.) Yes, miss.
Seraphina. Oh, stay where you are, for mercys sake !
Dont come near me. How do you contrive to get yourself
so dirty ?


MISFORTUNE.
29
Green! J\fiss Green! Go up stairs. [Pushes Betsy
against Seraphina.]
Seraphina. Oh! Go away ! [Pushes Betsy hack.
Mrs. Green. Why dont you go ? [Strikes her.
Seraphina. Go, will you ? [They hath push Betsy out of
the room. Mrs. Green follows her out. J
Seraphina, {sitting down again.) I declare, that odious
creature has quite exhausted me. How I long to see
Alphonso It is near his hour Will he come ? Poor
Alphonso Think of a man of rank, Count Cantcomitoglio,
being exiled from his dear France, and obliged to support
himself by teaching dancing My heart aches for his
trials.
Enter Alphonso, with a violin under his arm.
Alphonso, {in broken English.) Sharming Seraphina,
are you by yourselvesalone ?
Seraphina. Yes, dearest Alphonso, I am fortunately
alone. How glad I am to see you I have been forced to
miss so many lessons lately.
Alphonso, (laying aside his violin.) And I, alas! have
been forced to miss ze shance to see you, ze dearest object
earth contains Oh, Seraphina !
Seraphina. Oh, Alphonso!
Enter Betsy.
Betsy. Oh, jemmy If you please, your ma says, did
you miss your opery cloak ? taint in the drawer.
Seraphina. Go away, Betsy. Dont bother me!
Betsy. Oh, very well, miss ; taint none of my busi-
ness. [Exit.
Alphonso. And now, mine angel, zat we are by our
lone selves once more, I vill tell you myvat you calls


28
MISFORTUNE.
never see me in sucli a state. Positively, I should think
you would stick to something.
Betsy. Wisht I could. Wouldnt have to work so hard
if I could stick to something.
Sebaphina, (itaking the hook from her.) Dont answer me
back. This is the place ; take the book Begin Page
47.
Betsy, (takes the hook; reads.) A-l-p-h-o-n-s-o, Alph-
onso-----
Sebaphina, (sighing.) Oh, that dear name Dont mur-
der it so! Go on !
Betsy. Yes, miss. [Reading.] Alphonso went as
c-i-re-iL-ms-t-a-n-c-e-s, circumstances. Please, miss,
whats a circumstances ?
Sebaphina. Oh, my patience! the girl will drive me
mad. Just in the most exciting part! Now go on, and
dont dare to ask any more of your absurd questions.'
Betsy, (reading.) Alphonso went as circumstances
(Wisht I knowed what them was!)seemed to direct.
Oh, cricky what a big words acomin now ! I-n-s-u-b-
o-r-d-i-n-a-t-i-o-ntion. Insubinsubor-----
Sebaphina. Insubordination, you dunce. Go on !
Betsy, Yes, miss Insubordination you dunce--------
Seraphina, (snatching the hook.) Its enough to set one
frantic. [Boxes Betsys ears with the book.] There! go
about your business, you stupid thing !
Enter Mbs. Green.
Mrs. Green. Betsy, what are you doing here ? Not a
bed made, or a room swept.
Betsy. If you please, Miss Green------
Mrs. Green. How often am I to tell you to call me M?'s.


MISFORTUNE.
q-j
Ul
Augustus. Better Why, she itli worth half a million.
Mrs. Green. I have a wife for you who is worth two
millions.
Augustus. "What a fortune! Confound Mith Gold-
dutht! Who ith she ?
Mrs. Green. I will tell you. Listen! Your cousin
Betsy-----
Augustus. t Dont! dont call that odioutli creature my
couthin !
Mrs. Green. Patience, hear me out! Betsys uncle
John went, as you know, to India, some five years ago.
He was wealthy then, but news has just reached us that he
increased his property to two millions, and then died,
leaving the whole to Betsy.
Augustus. To Betthy!
Mrs. Green. This fortune we must secure. You know
it is on the handsome allowance he left for her use that we
have been living since he left. It will never do to let this
money go out of the family.
Alphonso, (peeping out.) Heres vat ze Ameiicaines call
a go. Heres a go !
Augustus. I am amathed Two millionth !
Mrs. Green. As yet she knows nothing of her fortune.
As her nearest relative, the news was communicated to me
first; but to-day she will 'receive official intelligence, so I
must tell her. Come, we will find her. Of course, you do
not care to return to Miss Golddust ?
Augustus. Confound Mith Golddntlit! Dont thpeak
of her ! [Exeunt Mrs. Green and Augustus.
AxiPhonso, (coming forward.) Ma foi! Alphonso, you
were ze lucky man to hear zis news: Betsy, sharming two
millions, you must be mine!


30
MISFORTUNE.
zem ?mjplans. One veek from zis day we can elopes.
All is prepare.
Seraphina. You give me early information.
Alphonso. For fear my billets-doux may miss you. Ah,
my idol, how can I waitone little weekand you are my
own !
Mbs. Green, {behind ike scenes.) With Mr. Cantcomito-
glio, did you say ?
Seraphina. Oh, theres mamma! Quick! put your-
self in dancing position [Alphonso takes up his violin.
They assume dancing positions. ]
Enter Bins. Green.
Alphonso, (taking steps.) Now, Mees Green! So, Mees !
[Curtain falls.
Scene II.Same as before. [Fortune.]
Enter Alphonso.
Alphonso. Alone! I must conceal myself until Sera-
phina come. I have told to me to-day somezings zat
makes me think that ze pere Green did not leaves noting.
If zis is so, I must not elopes viz Seraphina. Yet all is
prepare. Ah, some one is coming! I must conceals my-
self. [Hides behind a curtain.
Enter Mrs. Green and Augustus.
Augustus. Now, my dear mother, tell me why I rethiev-
ed thuch a hathty thummonth to come home. I wath
doing finely in New York. Mith Golddutht wath lending
a favorable ear to my thuit.
Mrs. Green. Pshaw I have something better for you
than Miss Golddust.


MISFORTUNE,
33
Alphonso, (starling up.) Where? Hide me! Let me
make my escapes ! [Exit.
Betsy. Well, I never did see sich a goose before !
Enter Mrs. Green, Augustus, and Seraphina.
Mrs. Green, {in a sweat voice.) Ah, Betsy, my child,
are you there ?
Betsy, (amazed.) WThywhy---------
Mrs. Green. You look surprised Come here, my
sweet little darling, and kiss me.
Betsy, (pinching herself.) Am I a delirious, or am I
asleep ?
Seraphina. Come here and sit beside me, cousin Betsy.
We have news for you, dear !
Betsy. What has come over them ?
Augustus, (offering a chair.) Mv charming couthing,
do not fatigue yourself by thtancling.
Betsy, (sitting down.) Im all dumbflustercated !
Mrs. Green. Weve come to tell you your good for-
tune. You know, Betsy, child, weve always been kind to
you!
Betsy, (hesitating.) Y-e-e-s, mum !
Mrs. Green. Call me cousin, dear !
Betsy. Yes, mum!
Mrs. Green. Dear child, her early respect is quite
habitual! My love, you have had a fortune left to you.
Two millions!
Betsy. Please, mum, whats millions ?
Mrs. Green. Millions of dollars. Money, my dear!
Seraphina. You have more money, Betsy, than you will
knowhow to fvnend ; all your own.
3


32
MISFORTUNE.
Enter Betsy.
Alphonso, (meeting her.) My dear Mees Betsy, how you
do to-day, eli ?
Betsy. My Gracious, how perlite Im pretty well, Mr.
Parlezvoo !
Alphonso. Je suis clictrme.! You enchants me !
Betsy. Wheres Miss Green ? I wants to know about
them pickles. [Going.
Alphonso. Do not leaves me! Stay, mine angel, near
your adoring Alphonso !
Betsy. Hes crazy! What on earth are you talking
about ?
Alphonso. Ah, Betsy, I love you! I swear by all ze
stars I love you! . [Kneeh.
Betsy. Get up Ton my word, hes drunk !
Alpi-ionso, (aside.) Yat is drunk? Ah, I remembers!
intoxicate. [Aloud.'] Yes, Betsy, intoxicate viz your
sharms 1 Do not turn aways Let me feast mine eyes on
your beauty!
Betsy. Land, sir, your eyes ll be pretty sharp, if they
find my beauty !
Alphonso, (taking her hand.) Let me prison ziz leetle
vite hand !
Betsy. Get out I Let go my hand !
Alphonso. Nevare till you promise it shall be mine !
Betsy. What do you want with my hand ?
Alphonso, (aside.) I would kees it if it vas not so poison
dirty. [Aloud.] I vill keep it, cherish it, cover it viz
jewels.
Betsy. Well, youd better let me wash it first. Its or-
ful smutty. Here comes Miss Green !


MISFORTUNE.
35
strong feelings ? Augustus, now is your time! A little
delicate consolation now will do wonders for your suit.
Come, we will find her.
[Exeunt Mrs. Green and Augustus.
Seraphina. I suppose we shall have to take her into
society Ma thinks the large ball next week will be a good
opening. Then, she must give a ball here. I must post-
pone my elopement.
Enter Alphonso.
Alphonso. All, Mess Green How are you ?
Seraphina. Alphonso, why so cold ? I am alone !
Alphonso. Ah, so I perceives I came to looks for my
violin. I forgets it zis morning.
Seraphina, (amazed.) Alphonso, why are you so cruel V
No one is near to see us You torture me ! [ Weeps.
Alphonso, (aside.) Nevare could endure to see ze lovely
creature weeps. [Aloud. ] Seraphina, dearest, forgive me !
I heard you did embrace anozar on ze doorsteps zis morn-
ing Jealousy made me cold [Aside.] I calls zat vara
good for ze impromptu.
Seraphina. It was my brother Augustus, dearest!
Alphonso, (aside.) I must feign ze constancy, or I can
no see Betsy. [Aloud.] My angel! Can you forgive me ?
[Kneels.
Seraphina. You are forgiven !
Alphonso, (aside.) Ah, quelle complaisance! She is
lovely! Were not Betsy ze two millions. [Aloud.] My
angel, I tank yon ! [Curtainfalls.
Scene HI.Same as before.[Misfortune.]
Curtain rises, discovering Mrs. Green, in evening dress, before a
glass, arranging a head-dress.
Mrs. Green. Well, Betsy makes her debut into fashion-
able life to-night. She insisted upon dressing alone, and


/
34 MISFORTUNE.
Betsy. Oh, gracious Wont I have as much dinner as
I can eat every day !
Mrs. Green. Yes, my love, you can have everything
you wish for.
Betsy. Oh, crickets !
Seraphina. You can wear as fine clothes as you please.
Betsy. Oh, scissors I
Augustus. Every pleathure ith at your command, and I
am alwayth ready to ethcort you to opera or ball.
Betsy. Oh, my But can I do exactly as I please ?
All. Exactly!
Betsy, (walking about and clapping her hands.) Aint it
fine Wont I dress up, and eat all sorts of goodies'? I
wont never do another bit of work as long as I live !
[Slopping suddenly before Mrs. Green.] But, Miss Green,
where did all the money come from ?
Mrs. Green. You remember your uncle John '?
Betsy, (in a low voice.) Indeed, I does Dear uncle
John [A pause. Then in a tone of great delight.] Oh !
has he come home ?
Mrs. Green. No, my dear, hes dead !
Betsy, (bursting into tears.) No, no Oh, he aint dead!
Oh, he said he would come home again He will come
backhe promised Oh, Miss Green, he aintsay he
aintdead /
Mrs. Green. Dont be so distressed He has left you
all his money.
Betsy, (still sobbing.) Oh, uncle John Uncle Jolin !
Wont you never come home no more to Betsy, your own
little Betsy Oh, I dont want no money I dont want
nothing! I wisht I was dead too Oh, uncle John!
What shall I do ? What shall I do ? [Exit, weeping.
Mrs. Green. Who would imagine the child had such


MISFORTUNE.
37
Betsy. Wheres that dancing master ? Its time he was
here to give me^niy last dancing lesson. I wont go to a
party and not dance. There !
jEnter Augustus and Alphonso.
Augustus. My lovely couthin, your beauty to-night ith
bewildering! [Aside.] How can I enter a room with that
creature on my arm ? V.
Betsy. I want to take'my last dancing lesson before we
start.
Mrs. Green. I want to show you something in my
room, Seraphina. We will join dear Betsy in a short time !
[Exeunt Mrs. Green and Seraphina.
Auphonso. ,L have forgotten my violin, Mees Betsy. I
will fly for my instrument, and give you your lesson in a
few moments! [Exit.
Augustus. My dear Betthy, I am glad to thecure a few
momenth alone with you before we start. I wish to warn
you againtht plathing any trutht in the attentionth gen-
tlemen may offer you tliith evening. We love you, deareth,
for your own thweet thake ; they will look only at your
fortune Your beauty-----
Betsy. Oh, Gus !
Augustus. Dear girl, your thimplitliity is charming to
your Auguthtuth Betthy, my angel, I mutht thpeak I
love you!
Betsy. Of course, cousin.
Augustus. Will you be my wife ?
Betsy. II------
Enter Alphonso.
Augustus, [aside.) I could pitch that fellow out of the
window Jutht ath she wath about to promith !
Alphonso, (taking his position.) Aro you ready, mees,
for your lesson ?


36
MISFORTUNE.
would tell no one what she meant to wear. I hope she
will not make herself ridiculous I fear she will.
Enter Seraphina.
Seraphina. Oh, ma have you seen Betsy ?
Mrs. Green. No, my dear Is she terribly absurd ?
Seraphina. You never saw such a figure I can never
appear in public with her !
Mrs. Green. We must say that she is very eccentric,
love Wont she allow you to alter it ?
Seraphina. No. You know what a horrible temper she
has shown ever since she became independent. I am so
glad it did not occur to her to put on mourning! It
would have spoiled all our gaiety! And you know, ma, he
died so far away.
Betsy, (behind the scenes.) Get out of the way, will you ?
I declare, I dont have any peace of my life.
Enter Betsy, in an absurd full dress.
Mrs. Green. Betsy Where did you get that dress ?
Betsy. Bought it, of course Where else would I get
it ? Dont you like it ?
Mrs. Green. Like it!
Betsy. Well, its your own fault if you dont! You
said wear pink and white, Seraphina said blue, Augustus
said yaller, I wanted red and green, so I jest wore the
whole.
Seraphina. At least, let me take off this bow.
Betsy. Let me alone, will you ? Ill wear just exactly
what I please Im my own mistress, I guess !
Mrs. Green, (aside.) Oh, what a misfortune her tem-
per is I am afraid, Augustus, poor fellow, will lead a
terrible life with her !


MISFORTUNE.
39
What a tremendouth fright she ith to-night! I mutht en-
deavor to correct her tathte. I muth get her to promith to
be my wife before any fortune-hunter winth her. I have
made an imprethion, the retht is eathy What a mitlifor-
tune it would be if any one elth---Bah I wont think of
it! It maketli me thick !
Enter Mrs. Green and Seraphina, iciih opera cloaks and hoods on.
Mrs. Green. Where is Betsy ?
Seraphina.. Where is Betsy ?
Augustus. I left her here !
Mrs. Green. She is probably in her room. We will
wait a few minutes. Oh, Augustus, my dear boy, do be
most fascinating this evening If this chance slips through
your fingers I will never forgive you By the way, I have
found out a whim which you must humor. [They walk
hack conversing.]
Seraphina, [coming forward and speaking aside to audi-
ence.) Oh, how I tremble I can scarcely support myself !
To-night, I have promised to elope with my Alphonso.
Dear Alphonso He is probably even now hastening the
preparations for our wedding I hope no misfortune will
prevent the consummation of our dearest hopes !
Mrs. Green, (coming forward.) It is very strange what
detains Betsy so long I hope she is making no additions
to that fearful dress !
Seraphina. Oh, I hope not, rna I will go and prevent
that! [Exit.
Augustus. I think that dreth is thufficiently overwhelm-
ing now.
Mrs. Green. What can we do ? Her temper is so fear-
ful that no one can control her. It is a sad misfortune
to----
Augustus. Ill curb her temper, never fear !


38
MISFORTUNE.
Enter Mrs., Green, and Seraphina.
{ You wish to learn ze Sehottische ? Monsieur Auguste
will be your partner. I rogret to say that I liav lose my
violin,_b.ut I vill veestle.
I Betsy. Never mind the fiddle. Ill get you a new one.
Alphonso. Oh, mees, you are too good !
Seraphina, [sitting down at piano.) I will play for you,
AlphonBetsy.
[A dancing lesson follows. Seraphina playing, Augustus, Al-
phonso, and Betsy dancing. ]
Mbs. Green. There, that is surely enough for to-night!
Come, girls, we will get our cloaks and hoods, and go.
[Exeunt Mrs. Green and Seraphina.
Augustus. I must go to my room for my glovetli.
[Exit.
Alphonso. Now, dear Betsy, a present is our time. Ze
vat you call him ?clergyman is vaiting in legliseze
church, at ze corner. All is preparecome i
Betsy. Wait a minute, Alphonso. Augustus--------
Alphonso. Ah, my sharmer, it is your money he loves !
Did he evare love you before you had ze money, eh ?
Betsy. Never! The horrible scoundrel!
Alphonso. Did not I kneel before ze power of your
beauty before you know yourselfes you vas rish, eh ?
Betsy. So you did The very day I heard of it!
Alphonso. Because it vas your charming seifs I loves,
eh ? not ze money !
Betsy. Suppose I was to lose it all---
Alphonso. You would be the same to your Alphonso !
Come Zey vill returns ! [Exeunt.
Enter Augustus.
Augustus. I think I have tliecured that two millionth.


STAGE-STRUCK


40
MISFORTUNE,
Elder &21U.PHIXA.
Seraphina. Betsy is not in her room, in your room or
mine, or in the dining room Not in the house !
Mrs. Green. Not in the house ?
Augustus. Merthy on uth !
Enter Alphoxso and Betsy.
Mrs. Green. Why, Betsy, child, where have you been ?
Betsy. I dont see that its any of your business; but
Ive been round the corner.
Augustus. Take my arm, couthin!
Alpiioxso. Pardon me, sare I prefer to escort my
wifes myself.
All. Your wife !
Seraphina. Catch me, Augustus! Oh, I shall die 1
[Faints into A ugustuss arms.
Mrs. Green. Bear dear What a misfortune !
Betsy. I dont think its a misfortune, [Co audience] do
you ? Ive got a lot of money, to be sure, but I aint proud
bless you, not a bit! Why, just to prove it, if youll all
favor me again, some fine evening, Ill put on my old duds
and do it all over again for you. [Curtain fads.
Position of characters at fall of curtain:
Alphonso, Betsy,
Augustus, Seraphina.
Mrs. Green,


STAGE STRUCK.
Scene I.[Stage.]
The parlor of a country inn. Upon the table are an old umbrella, an
almanac, and some newspapers.
Enter Frederick: Maywood.
Frederick. So 1 one stage of our journey is accom-
plished What an extraordinary old gentleman my pater-
nal relative is Hearing, quite accidentally, that I had
imbibed a taste for theatricals, he orders me to pack up
my wardrobe, and whirls me off to a country house, to cure
me of the passion. Oh, genius will not be thus smothered !
I will study in the woods, the fields [Striking an attitude.
Nature 111 court, in her sequestered haunts,
By mountain, meadow, streamlet, grove, or dell
Ah I will, indeed And tliink of having such an arena
for the grand scenes An acre of ground to study Rich-
ard in ! [In a theatrical manner, with much gesture.
A horse! a horse my kingdom for a horse !
Enter Mr. Maywood.
Mr. Maywood, [sternly.) Ranting again, sir! Will you
never have done with this tomfoolery ?
Frederick. My dear father, can you call the words of
the immortal William tomfoolery ?
Mr. Maywood. Immortal fiddlesticks !
Frederick. Now you speak of it, why should not fiddle-
sticks be immortal ? Paganinis for example ?


CHARACTERS.
Mb. Maywood, an elderly Merchant
Frederick, his Son.
Mbs. Cowslip, an old Country Woman.
Cora Neville, her Niece.
PROPERTIES.
A Table and some Chairs, a large Kitchen Table, a Fender, an
Almanac, an Umbrella, a Cane.


STAGE-STRUCK.
45
example you are giving me if you speak tlie word now quiv-
ering on your lips ! ^
Mr. Maywood. Do you presume, sir, to dictate to me ?
You tell how to express myself By----
Frederick. There you go again You are getting an-
gry. I see certain unmistakable signs of it. Suppose we
change the subject. I will recite for you. What will you
have ? Macbeths soliloquy ?
Mr. Maywood, (furiously.) Will you be quiet, you
scoundrel ?
Frederick, (coolly.) Certainly! You know my wishes
ever yours did meet.
Mr. Maywood. Ill be hanged if they did !
Frederick. Dont interrupt the quotation.
gg- ----did meet.
If I am saint, tis no more but fear
That I should say too little when I speak.
Mr. Maywood. *^jJoo little! No fear of that! Your
tongue is like a mill-clapper I wonder if dinner is ready ?
I will go and see. [Exit.
Frederick. What an excitable old gentleman he is, and
what an absurd prejudice he has against the stage! I won-
der, now, what kind of a female this aunt of mine is, that I
am to visit ? Excellent for training young ladies, they say
My aunt Neville is to send Cora there for her health, and
to cure her of a love of the glorious dramatic art. Cora,
bright angel!
Oh, she was all!
My fame, my friendship, and my love of arms,
All stooped to her. My blood was her possession.
Deep in the secret foldings of my heart
She lived with life And far the dearer she!
Heigho I am glad she is coming to this horrid country


44
STAGE-STBUCK.
Me. Maywood, (pathetically.) Frederick, my dear boy,
dont talk in that way You really make me uneasy. [In
a passion.'] Ill put you in a lunatic asylum, sir, for I really
believe you are crazy !
Frederick. Dont get excited, old gentleman Now we
are here for a time, with nothing to do but wait for the
next coach, suppose we, in a calm, dispassionate manner,
go over the subject under dispute You object to the
stage. Why ?
Mr. Maywood. Why ? You lazy scoundrel, do you---------
Frederick. Ah you are wandering from the subject.
Mr. Maywood. Oh, Frederick, I have had such hopes
for you, my only son You were to be my partner in busi-
nessMaywood & Son. And now you think of nothing
but the stage.
Frederick, (striking an attitude.) All the worlds a
stage !
Mr. Maywood. There, now; dont go off again! I
brought you from the city to get lid of this nonsensical
taste, and you have done nothing but spout ever since we
left home.
Frederick. Why not allow me, sir, to follow the natu-
ral bent of my genius ? Oh, you do not appreciate the
luxuries that belong to a life on the stage Think of being
able, by your own powerful expression of different pas-
sions, to control the very hearts of the multitude around
you, who weep when you weep, and laugh as you give
occasion Then the end, the great end of all this The
stage is destined to be the greatest mortal engine Young
minds, open to conviction---
Mr. Maywood. Thunderation I only wish they were !
Of all the obstinate, self-willed things in creation, young
minds are the worst! What the-----
Frederick. Hush now! Dont say it! Think of the


STAGE-STRUCK.
47
Frederick, (with pathos.) Now comes the parting
hour !
Mr. Maywood, (pushing him.) Will you go ?
Frederick. I go, and it is done ! [Bell Hugs.}
The bell invites me!
Hear it not, Duncan ; for it is a knell
That summons thee to heaven, or to-- tother place!
[Exit.
(
Mr. Maywood. I hope Folly will drive the nonsense
out of him. [Exit. Curtain falls.
Scene II. [Struck.]
A parlor in a farm-house. Against the wall, at the right of stage, is
a large table. Before the fire-place a fender. A settee, and some
chairs.
Enter Frederick.
Frederick. Talk of the delights of a country life!
Faugh There is a pigsty within two yards of my window,
and the inmates grunt a chorus to my reading. Fancy
Shakspeare rendered in this style :
This was the noblest [grunts] Homan of them all.
[Grunts.] All the cd^pirators, save [grunts] only he, did
that they did [grunts] in envy of great Csesar.
[Prolonged grunts and squeals.
Bah it is horrible 1 There is one comfort. My other
self, my Cora, arrived yesterday. I have now one sympa-
thizing soul, Cora. We study together, and I scarcely
know which of her readings to admire most, her wit, or
her pathos.
Cora, (behind the scenes.) Oh, dear! oh, dear!
[

STAGE-STRUCK.
hole I wonder if my aunt Polly will undertake to train
me? Me! a man! [Takes up the umbrella from table.
Behold! I have a weapon ;
A better never did itself sustain
Upon a soldiers thigh !
Ha Come on Polly, I do defy thee [Strikes an
attitude, flourishing the umbreUa.\
Enter Mr. Maywood.
Mb. Maywood. You young dog, will you never have
done ? The stage is waiting!
Frederick. If the stage waits, I come. Up with the
curtain !
Mr. Maywood. The stage for our journey, idiot! We
get our dinner at the next inn.
Frederick. Lead on! I follow !
f A thousand hearts are great within my bosom.
Advance our standards Set upon the foes !
Our ancient word of courage, fair St. George,
Inspire us with the spleen of fiery dragons !
Upon them !
[Charges at Mr. Maywood with the umbrella.
Mr. Maywood. Look out! What the mischief do you
mean ?
Frederick. 4Draw, and defend yourself.
Mr. Maywood, (raising his cane.) Ive a great mind to
cane you, you young scapegrace !
Frederick. Ill not yield,
To kiss the ground before young Malcoms feet!
[ Takes up the almanac.
Before my body
I throw my warlike shield. Lay on, Macduff!
Waiter, {behind the scenes.) Stage is just starting, gen-
tlemen.


STAGE-STRUCK.
49
Why dost thou tremble ? Fear not, for I am with
thee.
No power on earth shall harm thee !
Mrs. Cowslip. Cora, go finish shelling them peas ; and
if you dare to go to the barn again with that booh. Ill
make yo\i sorry!
Cora, (aside to Fred.) Would you go?
Frederick. Yield to the tyrant ? Never !
Mrs. Cowslip. Well, miss, why dont you go ?
Cora, (sitting doion.) Im tired I want to rest!
Mrs. Cowslip. My gracious patience! if you aint
enough to try a saint! [Stamping her foot.'] Cora Neville,
go along into the kitchen, or Ill give you a whipping !
Frederick. You have struck my cousin once to-day.
I will be avenged !
Mrs. Cowslip. Hold your tongue, sir, or youll go with-
out your dinner !
Frederick, (aside.) The only threat can move me, for,
hang it all, she can execute it.
Mrs. Cowslip, (going.) Cora, I cant wait all day Are
you coming ?
Cora, (aside to Fred.) I guess Id better go. Shell
make such a fuss if I dont!
Frederick. Go, then Desert me !
[Exeunt Mrs. Cowslip and Cora.
Inglorious bondage! Human nature groans
Beneath a vassalage so vile and cruel.
Heigho I what'shall I do till dinner time Ha! a thought
has just struck me. Ill help Cora shell the peas, and then
well go to the barn and rehearse.
4
[Exit. Curtain faUs.


48
STAGE-STRUCK.
Frederick. What fearful sound now falls upon my
ear ? Cora weeping !
Enter Cora, weeping.
"Whats the matter cousin ? Confide in me !
Passion, I see, is catching; for mine eyes,
Seeing those beads of sorrow stand in thine,
Begin to water!
Cora, [sobbing.) Xwasin the barnst-stu-dying
Borneoand Ju-JulietandandIwasasay-ing
de-de-nythy fa-fatheroh, oh I
Frederick. Yes, yeswhat then ?
By heavens, my love, thou dost distract my soul.
Theres not a tear that falls from those dear eyes,
But makes my heart weep blood. Say on, Cora !
Cora. WellI was saying that, whenaunt PolPolly
cameandtook away the book I
Frederick. The old witch !
Cora. Andandshe struck me !
Frederick. Struck you ?
Cora. Yes, with the broom !
Frederick. A blow Ill have her blood !
Cora, (ceasing to cry.) Why, Fred, how you talk Your
aunts blood?
Frederick. Did you not say she struck you ? How
dare she ?
Cora. Hateful thing!
Enter Mrs. Cowslip.
^here she is, Fred Dont let her touch me l
Frederick, (putting his amn around her.)
It is my arm supports thee. Did she dare
With her rough hand to touch my lovely flower ?


STAGE-STRUCK.
51
Cora, (in a tragic tone.) The raven himself is hoarse,
That croaks the fatal entrance of Duncan
Under my battlements.
I say, Fred, my battlements, not yours. Macbeth wasnt
henpecked any, was he ?
Frederick. Pshaw do go on !
Cora. What comes next ?
Frederick. Come, come you spirits-------
Cora. Oh, yes ! Come, come you spirits
That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here,
And fill me from the crown to the toe--
I must scare up a crown for next time, Fred I
Frederick. Will you go on ?
Cora. From the crown to the toe, top full
Of direst cruelty! Make thick my blood,
Stop up the access and passage to remorse,
That no compunctious visitings of nature
Shake my fell purpose, nor keep peace between
The effect and it! Fred ?
Frederick. What, you torment ?
Cora. Wouldnt she have made a first-rate medium,
after that operation ?
Frederick. I wish you would stop talking nonsense,
and recite properly. How can a fellow get inspired, when
you rattle on in this way ?
Cora. Oh, Lady Macbeth was an old humbug! Lets
play something nice. Romeo and Juliet!
Frederick. Well, we will. You are not quite fierce
enough for Lady Macbeth, thats a fact I
Cora. Oh, Fred, Ive thought of something splendid !
Help me to move the table into the centre of the room.
[They move it.] Now, put the fender on it!
Frederick. The fender ?


50
STAGE-STRUCK.
Scene III.Same as Scene II. [Stage-struck.]
Curtain rises, discovering Frederick seated at a table with a volume
of Shdlcspeare open before him.
Frederick. How sublime I wish Cora was grander.
She is a bewitching little darling; but, somehow, in her
short dresses and that large fiat hat, she does not realize
ones idea of Lady Macbeth!
Enter Cora.
Cora. Oh, such fun Wont we have a splendid time ?
Frederick. When ?
Cora. Now Aunt Polly is going out to spend the
afternoon and take tea. We can rehearse, and have all
sorts of a good time !
Frederick. Good Let us begin The scene we tried
yesterday.
Cora. Bah 1 I hate tragedy! Lets have something
funny !
Frederick, {with a look of hoi'ror.) Funny! Hate trag-
edy ?
Cora. There, dont look so shocked Ill play Lady
Macbeth. Wait a minute. [ Takes off her hat.] Ill get
one of aunt Pollys skirts for a train. [Exit.
Frederick. Dear Cora She can look fierce and Lady
Macbethy, if she tries.
Eider Cora, with a skirt on, of old-fashioned silk or chintz, with
large figures.
Cora. There aintthat grand ? [Comes forward.] Go
away now, Fred, while I soliloquize. [Frederick steps
back, book in hand.]


STAGE-STRUCK.
53
Frederick. Holding your tongue ? What if her eyes
were there, they in her head ?
Cora. Well, then shed have to go it blind !
Frederick, (pathetically.) Oh, Cora !
Cora. That touch of pathos should bring down the
house. Go on!
Frederick. The brightness of her cheek would shame
those stars,
As daylight doth a lamp. Her eye in heaven
[Cora squints.
[. Would, through the airy region, stream so bright,
That birds would sing, and think it were not night!
. See how she leans her cheek upon her hand !
Cora, why dont you lean your cheek upon your hand ?
Cora. Oh, I forgot! There! [Leans against fender;
it tips.] Oh, Fred the fender !
Frederick, (pushing it back.) There.
Cora. Look out for my toes, if you please, sir [Leans
her head on her hand.] Now, go on !
Frederick. Oh that I were a glove upon that hand,
That I might touch that cheek !
Cora. Ah, me! [Aside.] Glad I have a chance to
speak at last!
Frederick. She speaks ! [Kneels.
Oh, speak again, bright angel!
Cora. I will, by and by.
Frederick. For thou art
As glorious to this night, being o'er my head--
Cora. Thanks to the table and fender !
Frederick. As is the winged messenger of heaven
Unto the white, upturned wondering eyes
Of mortals, that fall back to gaze on him


52
STAGE-STRUCK.
Cora. Dost thou hesitate ?
Frederick, (putting ike fender on table.) No; there it is.
Cora, (making the front of fender face audience.) So!
aint that a splendid balcony ?
Frederick, (placing a chair behind table.) Capital! Get
up !
Cora, (getting on table.) Now, then, fire away !
Frederick. But soft; what light through yonder
window breaks ?
Cora. Looks uncommon like a window, dont it ?
Frederick. Do be quiet! Strike an attitude*a pen-
sive one.
Cora, (striking an attitude.) There aint much room on a
table for striking attitudes. Go on, Fred !
Frederick. It is the east, and Juliet is the sun !
Arise, fair sun, and kill theenvious moon,
"Who is already sick, and pale with grief,
That thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Be not her maid, since she is envious !
Cora. I wont!
Frederick. It is my lady! Oh, it is my love !
Oh that she knew she were !
Cora. Trust a woman to find it out!
Frederick. She speaks, yet she says nothing!
Cora. Ive known girls do that before !
Frederick. What of that ?
Her eye discourses. I will answer it!
I am too bold! Tis not to me she speaks.
Two of the fairest stars in all the heaven,
Having some business, do entreat her eyes
To twinkle in their sphere till they return.
Cora. Come, Fred, cut it short! hurry up Im awful
tired of holding my tongue!


STAGE-STRUCK.
55
Mbs. Cowslip, (struggling.) Let me go, I say! How
dare you ?
Cora. Easy, easy auntie How can I tie you when you
squirm about so ? You are------who is she, Fred ?
[They tie Mrs. Cowslips hands, place her in a chair in front of
table, Frederick holding her, while Cora, takes her seat on table.
Mrs. Cowslip. Oh, you good-for-nothing-children !
Cora, (sternly.) Silence, prisoner! dont disturb the
court! Who is she, Fred ?
Frederick. Joan of Arc !
Cora. Now then, Joan, what have you got to say for
yourself ? Oh, Fred, wouldnt it be fun to bum her up ?
Mrs. Cowslip. Burn me up ? II-----------!
[Sputters as if in a great rage.
Cora. Ill tell you what we can do. We can wall her up !
She can be the girl in Marmion who went about in mans
clothes.
Mrs. Cowslip, (in a perfect fury.) IIaint you
ashamed of yourself ? I put on mans clothes Oh, you
bad, good-for-nothing-----
Cora. Easy, easy auntie That aint the way to address
this august court. Shall we wall her up,' Fred ? In the
barn, you know !
Mrs. Cowslip. How dare you ? Untie me !
Enter Mr. Maywood.
Oh, brother, I am so glad to see you !
Mr. Maywood, (untying her.) Why, what does all this
mean ?
Mrs. Cowslip, (shaking Cora.) Oh, you good-for-noth-
ing girl----


54
STAGE-STRUCK.
"When he bestrides the lazy-pacing clouds,
And sails upon the bosom of the air !
Cora. Oh, Borneo! Borneo! Wherefore art thou,
Borneo ? Oh! Fred, Fred, here comes aunt Polly !
Mrs. Cowslip, (behind the scenes.) Cora Cora where
are you ?
Cora. Shes only just going. I thought she had gone.
Enter Mrs. Cowslip.
Frederick, (meeting he1)'.) Whence, and what art thou,
execrable shape,
That darst, though grim and terrible, advance
Thy miscreated front athwart my way ?
Mrs. Cowslip. Well, I declare What are you doing
on that table, miss? The fender too! [Takes away fen-
der.) My best gown on too ! [ Takes the chair from beside
table.) Get down Take off that gown !
Cora, (taking off skirt makes a ball and fires at her.)
Take your old gown !
Mrs. Cowslip. Old gown Get down !
Cora. I cant, youve taken away the chair !
Frederick, (to Mrs. Cowslip.) Henee, horrible shadow !
Unreal mockery, hence !
Mrs. Cowslip. Fred Maywood, youre an idiot; hold
your tongue !
Cora, (sitting down on table.) I say, Fred, this is a splen-
did throne ! Bring forth the prisoner !
Frederick, (dragging Mrs. Cowslip forward.) May it
please your majesty !
Mrs. CowrSLEP, (struggling.) Let me alone !
Cora. Does she resist ? Bind her [Jumps down from
table.) Ill help you. Heres a handkerchief I Tie her
hands.


STAGE-STRUCK.
57
Cora. Romeo is banished To speak that word
Is father, mother, Tybalt, Romeo, Juliet,
All slain, all dead Romeo is banished !
Enter Frederick, Mr. Maywood trying to hold him hack by the
coat-tails.
Frederick. Juliet, my life Look up I como !
Cora, pushing into his arms.) My life !
Hr. Maywood, (talcing hold of Cora.) Will you two
never have done ?
Frederick. Father, tempt not a desperate man !
Fly hence, and leave us !
Mrs. Cowslip. They want a strait-jacket, both of them !
Mr. Maywood. Frederick Cora I Oh, what shall I
do ? {Going to Mrs. Cowslip.] Polly, call Cora away!
Frederick, come here!
Frederick. Peace, tyrant! I heed you not!
Mrs. Cowslip. Cora, come to me !
Cora, Embracing Frederick. ) Excuse me, aunt! I had
rather stay where I am !
[Mr. Maywood pulls Frederick one way, Mrs. Cowslip pulls
Cora the other way.]
Frederick, (putting his arm firmly round Cora.) Part
us ? Never Now, then, well see wholl beat.
When Greek encounters Greek,
Then comes the tug of war l
Cora. Fll part with life, but never part from thee!
Hold tight, Fred!
Mrs. Cowslip, (sitting down panting ai left of stage.) Its
no use !
Mr. Maywood, (sitting down at right of stage.) Was there
ever before such a pair of stage-struck idiots ?


56
STAGE-STRUCK.
Frederick, (jpulling her away.) Woman, how dare you
shake my lady love ?
Me. Maywood. What do you mean, sir, calling your
aunt a woman ?
Frederick. What does she mean, shaking Cora ? Cora,
my love !
Cora. Frederick, my life !
Mr. Maywood, (pulling Frederick to right of stage, and
getting in front of him.) Will you be quiet, sir ?
Mrs. Cowslip, (pulling Cora to left of stage, and getting
in front of her.) Hold your tongue, miss!
Frederick, (looking over Mb. Maywoods shoulder.)
Juliet!
Cora, (looking over Mrs. Cowslips shoulder.) Romeo!
Sweet Montague, be true!
Mr. Maywood, (pushing Frederick toward door.) Go
up stairs this instant, sir !
Frederick. Farewell, my love !
Cora, (trying to pass Mrs. Cowslip, who prevents her.
Wilt thou be gone It is not yet near day !
It was the nightingale and not the lark,
That pierced the fearful hollow of thine ear !
Mrs. Cowslip. I verily believe you are raving mad!
will you be still ?
Frederick. Juliet, my life !
Mr. Maywood, (pushing Frederick out of room.) Go
Tip stairs, you idiot!
[.Exeunt Mr. Maywood and Frederick.
Cora, (sinking into a chair.) Art thou gone so, my
love, my lord, my friend!
Mrs. Cowslip. Oh, Cora Neville, for mercys sake stop
thi trash !


MAEPLQT.


58
STAGE-STRUCK.
Frederick, (waving a handkerchief.) Oh, such a day
So fought, so followed, and so fairly won,
Came not, till now, to dignify the times,
Since Caesars triumph !
Cora. Crown ye the brave !
Frederick. See here our prostrate foes I
Strike now an attitude, and down the curtain goes !
[Curtain /alls.
Posilhof parties at fall of curtain :
Mrs. Cowslip, ^ora, Frederick, Mr. Maywood.


MARPLOT.
Scene I. [Mae.]
Mrs. Holman's parlor. A table, with some books, etc. upon it, a
sofa, two chairs.
Curtain rises, discovering Emily and Bertha in evening dress, seated
at a table.
Emily, {sighing.) Ah, me !
Bertha. Whats the matter, Em ?
Emily. I was thinking what a tiresome thing parties are
in the country. We came here to rest after last winters
campaign, and we have had a continual round of gaiety
ever since mother took the house.
Bertha. And country parties are so stupid, when it is
too warm to enjoy dancing! Besides, here one never
sees [Stops, as if confused.
Emily. No! one never meets--------- [.Stops.
Bertha. Who ?
Emily. Did you refer to any one in particular ?
Bertha. Onlyonly---------
Emily. Come, Bertha, suppose we confide in each
other! I think we have both been silly enough to fall in
love. I know I have. [Aside. ] Dear Charley !
Bertha. I am sure I have. [Aside.'] Dear Harry!
Emily. Oh, Bertie, I am so troubled Mother will
never consent to my becoming Mrs. Charles Lovell, because


CHARACTERS.
Mr. Alfred Buttercup, a Bandy.
Mrs. Jerusha Meddlesome.
Mrs. Holman,
Emily, } ^er Daughters.
Bertha, }
PROPERTIES.
Sofa, Chairs, Table, Basket of Sevnng.


MAEPLOT.
Gb
Mes. Holman. Upon my word, one would think I pro-
posed to murder you, instead of giving you a handsome,
wealthy suitor. Emily!
Emily. Oh, dear mother, do not ask me to marry him !
Mes. Holman. You refuse the man before you have
ever seen him. Now, young ladies, listen to me I am
not accustomed to be trifled with, and one or the other of
you must accept this offer. I shall allow him to choose.
Emily, (haughtily.) Upon my word, his majesty enjoys
a most unusual privilege !
Beetha, (indignantly.) It will be pleasant, truly Here
are my daughters, sir ; take which you like ! You humili-
ate us, mother !
Mes. Holman. Nonsense! You will each exert your-
selves to please him. I have meet him once. He is a man
of most fastidious tastes, and great refinement. Many
would call him a dandy ; I call him a perfect gentleman!
Emily, you will be careful to avoid all mention of your
horseback rides, or long walks, as he considers those pur-
suits unladylike. Bertha, sing for him, and select gentle,
winning airsnot those stormy bravuras you sometimes
practice. It is very unfortunate that I have promised to
go to Mrs. Smiths this evening, to sit all night with her
sick sister, but I shall return early in the morning. But
.you will remember all I have said 1
Emily. But, mother I
Beetha. Dear mother!
Emily. If you would only-------
Mes. Holman, (sternly.) Not another word I command
the one he offers himself to, to accept him. Remember,
my wishes control your fortunes If he refuses you, I say
no more.
Emily and Beetha, (proudly.) Refuses us?


62
MARPLOT.
he is so poor; and you know by papas will, if we marry
without her consent, we lose all our property.
Bertha. My case is quite as bad. Harry lias given his
attention entirely to music, and you know how mother
hates all professional people Artists or musicians are her
special aversion.
Emily. Charley and I have formed a thousand plans,
but his poverty contrives to mar them all.
Bertha. Harry thinks I can assist him by teaching, but,
oh, Emily, I do not like the prospect, thats a fact! I
wish mother would come. We promised to be early at
Fannies party to-night.
Enter Mas. Holman.
Mrs. Holman. Emily and Bertha, I regret to mar your
enjoyment, but you cannot join Fannies guests this even-
ing !
Emily and Bertha. Why not ?
kins. Holman. I wish to have a little serious conversa-
tion with you. You are now of marriageable age, and it is
time I had found a husband for one or the other of you.
Emily. Let it be Bertie, mother. I have no desire to
marry!
Bertha. Emily has the first claim, mother. I am very
happy at home I
Mrs. Holman. Hear me, children, and do not interrupt
me again Your fathers partner, Mr. Buttercup, who died
several years ago, left an immense property to his only
child, Alfred. I have just received a letter from this son.
He will pay us a short visit, and I expect him every mo-
ment. He has written to me to propose for one of my
daughters, and I shall give my consent!
Emily, (springing tip.) Not me, mother !
Bertha, (also rising.) Oh, mother, not me 1


MABPLOT.
65
I would have him killed, but only break a leg or so, and
have to go home again !
Enter Emily.
Well, Em, has our beau come ?
Emily. Oh, Bertie, cheer up Put aside that doleful
face Ive thought of such a splendid plot!
Bertha. Plot, Emily ?
Emily. Yes ; listen You know mother said, if he refus-
ed us she would say no more about it. Now, as he may
fancy girls who are only fine looking--
Bertha. And tolerably pretty !
Emily. We will make him refuse us !
Bertha. But how, dear Emily ?
Emily. Ah, now you come to my plot! Mother said he
was very fastidious and dandified. Now, I will pretend
to be very bad tempered, and a perfect hoyden. Do you
see ?
Bertha, Splendid I will go crazy !
Emily. Capital! Tear down your hair !
Bertha. No, no, some one might come in Oh, Em,
wont it be fun ?
Emily. Hark! wheels on the gravel! He has come !
We will go up stairs, and then make a grand entree Wont
I give him a warm reception ?
[Exeunt Emily and Bertha.
Mrs. Meddlesome, (coming forward.) Pretty doings,
upon my word I When I was a gal, gals minded their
mothers. Going crazy! A nice lady-like amusement! Ill
spoil their fine plot! And when one of them is the rich
Mrs. Buttercup, shell thank me for it 1 Ill go send for
their mother, this very minute t


64
MAKPLOT.
Mbs. Holman, {contemptuously.) He is a great admirer
of beauty, and you may have all your fears for nothing.
He will perhaps not fancy girls who are only fine looking
and tolerably pretty!
Emily. Fine looking XJpon my word !
Bertha. Tolerably pretty, indeed!
Mrs. Holman, (looking at her watch.) It is time for me
to go. You must receive him now, when he comes. You
will pay attention to all I have said. I lay my commands
upon you to comply with my wishes. I have laid my
own plans, and I will not allow the silly whims of two girls
to mar them. Good night! [Exit.
Emily. Too bad If he should choose me, what would
Charley say ?
Bertha. Oh, Harry! what shall I do if this hateful man
prefers me ?
Emily. We dare not refuse him As mother says, her
will controls our property, and Charley is too poor for me
to wish to burden him with a portionless bride. If I could
only stay single till I am of age, then I may marry whom I
choose.
Bertha, {sadly.) Mother forbids us to mar her plans,
but I wish I could do it. Oh, dear! [£&$ down.
Emily. I wont marry him There! [Curtain falls.
Scene II.Same as first. [Plot.]
Curtain rises, discovering Bertha seated in the foreground, musing
Mrs. Meddlesome in the background, sewing.
Bertha. He must come now, in a few minutes I hope
I aint wicked, but if the train ran off the track with only
this one passenger hurt, I could not shed a tear Not that


MARPLOT.
07
him so much that he had to be shot. [Rising.] It was the
most outrageous piece of folly [walks up and down] I ever
heard of. I wish I had him here, and a good strong horse-
whip, [in a gi'eat rage,] Id whip him as long as my arm
would work! The stupid, ignorant, blundering, disobe-
dient scoundrel!
Alfred. Aw, dont distwess yourself so much I dare
say the fellow meant well.
Emily, (contemptuously.) Meant well! [In a sweet voice
again.] There, excuse me We will say no more about it.
I will forget past troubles in the enjoyment of the present
moment. [Alfred 5oto&] Did you enjoy your ride from
the city, Mr. Buttercup ?
Alfred. Aw, cant say I did! It was excessively sul-
twy, and there was a woman with a baby beside me, who
was exceedingly weawisome.
Emily. Who, the woman ?
Alfred. No, the baby It kept calling me pawpaw I
and actually wanted to embwace me 1
Emily. Dear little innocent I
Alfred. I detest babies !
Emily. I adore them My cousin has ten, and she has
promised to let me adopt some of themwhen we are mar-
ried, dear!
Alfred, (aside.) Gwacions I how she does anticipate!
[Aloud.] Aw, excuse me, Miss Emilyor do I speak to
Miss Bertha ?
Emily. No, I am Emily. You neednt say Miss; in-
deed, as we are to be married, you may say Em !
Alfred. Aw, you are very kind 1 There was another
female in the caws who had a bunch of tubewoses. If my
wife bwought tubewoses where I was, Id pitch them out
of the window, positively !


66
MARPLOT.
Enter Mr. Alfred Buttercup, carrying a small cane.
Alfred. Poll honaw those caws are too much for a
pawson of delicate constitution, a fwagile fwame The
scweam is agonizing, and the jolting is pawfectly hawwid !
So Mrs. Holman was obliged to leave this evening to see a
sick pawsonhope she wont bwing any contagious disow-
daw homeand I am to be received by the young ladies !
Wather a pleasant exchange Weport says, Miss Emily is
a vewy magnificent cweature ! [£'& down.] They dont
seem in any liuwwy Aw, they are pwobably beautifying !
Enter Emily, in a furious passion; not perceiving Alfred, she
goes to front of stage and walks rapidly up and down*
Emily. Just- let me lay my two hands on him Ill
make him rue the day he ever dared to disobey me My
poor Fire-fiy my pet horse I ruined, killed by the stupid-
ity of that blockhead I positively forbade him to ride the
horse. Who ever heard of a man in his senses leaping
over a high wall without knowing what was on the other
side ? Poor Fire-fly came down upon a pile of loose rocks.
Broke his knees, of course, and they had to shoot him!
Stupid! [Stamps her foot.] Id like to tear his eyes out!
Alfred, {raising his eye-glass.) Awl what a vehement
cweature !
Emily, (facing him, and speaking very sweetly.) Why,
Mr. Buttercup! Excuse me, I did not know you had ar-
rived 1 I regret that my mother was called away, but I will
endeavor to supply her place. [Sits down.
Alfred, (rising and bowing.) With such a substitute,
no ones absence can be wegwetted !
Emily. I am afraid I was rather violent just now. You
must excuse me I was a little provoked at the loss of a
pet horse. My stupid groom [raising her voice] injured


2IABPL0T.
GO
first request. I could cry with vexation [In a loud aside.
Just wait awhile, sir, till I am Mrs. Buttercup !
Alfred. Excuse me, Miss Emily May I see your sis-
ter ? I may prefer----
Emily, (screaming with rage.) Prefer my sister! [Start-
ing up.} Oh, was ever a woman so insulted 1
Alfred/ I was about to say------
Emily, (furiously.) Dont tell me what you were about
to say. I never heard of such a brute Why dont you
strike me, or push me from the room ? It would be all of
a piece with the rest of your proceedings Oh, I am fairly
choking Oh, you brutal-----
Alfred. Gwacious goodness What a viwago !
Emily. Thats right! call me names Dont limit your
abuse, sir Drive me out of the room!
Alfred, (rising.) WeallyI------
Emily. Oh, you neednt get up I wont wait to be
turned out! Im going, sir Im going !
[Exit, slamming the door.
Alfred, (resuming his seat.) That female is a perfect
Xantippe. Mercy Such a wife would be perfectly over-
whelming.
Enter Bertha.
What a sweet cweature !
Bertha, (singing.) White his shroud, as the mountain
snow. [Speaking.} Ah, me, this is a weary world [Sees
Alfred.] Ah, sir, you look kind and good tell me--
Alfred. Anything!
Bertha. "Where is my Alfred ?
Alfred, (aside.) Well, I seem to be appwopwiated by
both of them [Aloud.} Your Alfred ?


68
MARPLOT.
Emily, (sharply.) Well, if X was your wife, Id pitch
you after them [In a loud aside.] Oh, theres my fear-
ful temper again [Aloud, sweetly.] Mr. Buttercup, you
are right, tuberoses are detestable.
Alfred, (aside.) What a vixen [Aloud.] Yes, Miss
Emily !
Emily, (tenderly.) I said you might call me Em !
Alfred. Weally, you owerpower me !
Emily, (looking about on table.) Where is my bouquet?
I left it here! [Passionately.] Somebody has stolen it!
I do wish people would let my things alone !
Alfred. Perhaps you took it out of the apartment.
Emily, (snappishly.) I aint in the habit of forgetting
where I place things, Mr. Buttercup !
Alfred. Weally, I beg pawdon, I did not mean to
offend.
Emily, (in aloud aside.) Oh, if I can only keep my
temper till I am Mrs. Buttercup !
Alfred, (aside.) I wonder if the other sister is as
energetic as this one. It is weally fatiguing to listen to
her!
Emily, (sitting down.) Mr. Buttercuporwhats your
first name ?
Alfred, (tapping his boots with his cane.) Alfwed !
Emily, (impatiently.) Dont tap your boots Those mon-
otonous noises nearly set me frantic !
Alfred. To hear is to obey !
Emily. When we are married you must shave off your
moustache. I hate a moustache !
Alfred, (caressing his moustache.) You ask too much.
Emily, (passionately.) The hateful man refuses me my


MARPLOT.
71
Bertha, (looking at 7iim fondly.) You have come! After
long "weary waiting, you have come at last! Oh, my love!
Alfred, {aside.) Ill humor her, and try to get the key.
[Aloud.) Yes, my dear, I have come, [aside) and should be
most happy to go.
Bertha. Was the Emperor of Russia gracious ? Or did
the knave of clubs go it on a lone hand and get euchred ?
But you have come All care avaunt! [Singing.
If you loves I, as I loves you,
No knife shall cut our loves in two.
[Goes forward to embrace him.
Alfred, {raising his cane.) Aw, excuse me !
Bertha, [furiously.) Fiend! would you strike a woman ?
[Advancing towards him threateningly.) Ah you deny the
fact ? Hang him Ill tear him to pieces [Chases him.
Coming forward, and speaking aside.) This is getting tire-
some ; how can I end it ? I have it! Ill drop the key.
[Aloud.) Never say I did it. The willow. Ill wear it!
[Sadly.) A poor forsaken maidens best emblem. [Drops
the key near door, and then comes forward, facing audience.)
Ha! See, above the clouds, my Alfred smiles upon me !
Alfred, {aside.) Whats that? The key! If she will
only keep quiet. [Gets key, and opens door.] Adieu !
Bertha, [turning suddenly.) Ah, he escapes [Follows
him to door, and then returns, laughing.) Wasnt it funny !
I dont think he will propose to me /
Enter Emily.
Well, Em, what news ?
Emily. Our plot succeeds finely. He is in the garden,
walking about by moonlight, alone, and says he will
never re-enter the doors where two mad women are suffered
to run at large.


70
MARPLOT.
Bertha, (weeping.) They have taken him away to tar
and feather him!
Alfred. Gwacious how excessively disagweeable.
Bertha. Theyve torn him from me. [Seizing Alfred
by the collar of his coat, and pulling him from his chair. ]
Ah you it was who took him from me! Answer me!
Where is my love ?
Alfred, Releasing himself.) Havent the slightest idea.
[Aside.] What a peculiar young woman !
Bertha, (aside.) I must fly round more; he does not
seem to comprehend that I am insane / [Aloud.] Ah the
world is made of brick-dustbut he 1 he is a lily in a coal-
yard [Aside.] Oh, ye Muses, inspire me with more non.
sense [Aloud.] Ha ha! hes here, hes there, hes every-
where ; [despairingly] hes nowhere !
Alfred. Aw, he must be quite a lively pawson [Aside.]
Shes crazy. Ill leave ! [ Goes toward door.
Bertha, (springs forward, and lodes the doo?\) You do
not leave this room till you tell me where you have hidden
him!
Alfred. Aw, young woman, weally I dont know any-
thing whatever about your Alfred !
Bertha, (sitting down.) Oh, my heart is broken! The
wind sighs his name, and they have changed him into a
puppy dog ! [Sobs.
Alfred, (aside.) Pleasant this locked up with a mad
woman. This seems to be a lucid interval. Ill sjjeak to
her, and perhaps get the key. [Aloud.] My dear young
lady!
Bertha. Oh, tell me where is he ? [Kneels.
Alfred, (raising her.) Do not kneel. It distwesses me,
positively l


MARPLOT.
73
Alfred, {smiling.) All, I see! I have a wival! Had
you but twusted me with your secwet, if secwet it is, be-
lieve me it would have been perfectly safe, and I should
never have caused you the least annoyance !
Bertha, (aside.) Hang the fellow If he goes on at this
rate, I shall fall in love with him, in spite of myself !
Emily. OJi, Mr. Buttercup, if you will only tell mother
you cannot like either of us !
Enter Mrs. Meddlesome. [She stands back, not perceived by the
others.)
Alfred. But I have alweady witten to your mother.
It was my fathers last wequest for me to mawwy one of
the daughters of his partner, but if they both wefuse
me-----
Bertha. Oh, that will never do We have been for-
bidden to refuse you. You must refuse us !
Alfred. What weason can I give ?
Emily. Say you love another !
Alfred. What! since witing that letter yesterday ?
Emily. Say you met her in the cars, on your way here !
[Alfred reflects.
Bertha, (aside.) How handsome he is Harry, poor
fellow, is not handsome, and he loves money better than
he does me, at any rate !
Alfred. Well, I will! though
Mrs. Meddlesome, (coming forward.) Gals, Im ashamed
of you The way youve gone on this evening is perfectly
disgraceful! Ill just tell your mother the whole of your
cuttings-up, and this last fine plot!
Emily. Oh you will not spoil that too ?
Mrs. Meddlesome. Certain sure, I will!


72
MARPLOT.
Bertha. I am completely exhausted, Em, with my ef-
forts. It was rather hard work Seems to me, we plot as
energetically to lose our lover as some girls do to gain one !
\Curtain falls.
Scene III.Same as before.[Marplot.]
Curtain rises, discovering Emily, seated.
Emily. I am rather puzzled what to do. The man
cannot stay in the garden all night! It is too late to return
to the city, and he will not come into the house. I have
sent him a dozen messages, but he will not trust himself
under the roof where Bertie and I are !
Enter Bertha.
Bertha. Oh, Emily, our plot is ruined !
Emily. Burned how ?
Bertha. Aunt Jerusha heard our scheme, and she has
just told Mr. Buttercup all!
Emily. The hateful old marplot!
Enter Alfred.
Alfred, (with dignity.) Miss Emily and Miss Bertha, I
have come to withdraw the pwoposals that were so distaste-
ful to you, and to expwess my sincere wegwet at the annoy-
ance I have caused you I am sowwy I appeal* so hate-
ful.
Emily, ('hastily.) No, no we owe you an apology, Mr.
Buttercup, for our conduct. It was no dislike to you, but
buta------- [Hesitates.


M AD-CAP.


n
MARPLOT.
Bertha. I see no help for it! With such an active mar-
plot in the family, scheming is useless Mr. Buttercup, I
that is, will youif weyouIin shortwill you take
me?
Alfred. If youIIin shortI will!
\Curiain falls.
Emily,
Position of characters at fall of curtain \
Bertha, Alfred, Mrs. Meddlesome.


MID-CAP.
Scene I. [Mad.]
A parlor. Frank Lalhorpe seated at a table, writing.
Frank, There, I think my poem will do now This is
the eighteenth revision I have made. Ah my name mil
descend to posteritylive in undying fame Yet, what is
fame to a heart stricken as mine is ? Paulina, my own
Paulina Ah, my blood dances my heart throbs! I shall
yet rave, if I think on her ! [ Walks up and clown> healing
his breast. ] I could rave! go mad to think upon her
beauty, and her cruelty !
Enter Nan.
Nan. Ha ha ha wasnt it funny How mad uncle
Lawrence was Halloo, cousin Frank, whats the matter
with you ?
Frank. Allow me, fair Antoinette, to reiterate the ques-
tion. What afforded you the exquisite gratification betok-
ened by that silvery laugh ?
Nan. Laugh ? I was laughing at uncle LawTence. I
left liim in a perfect fury, because\laughs\because I
put my kitten in his boot. He tossed the poor innocent
animal out of the dining-room window, and I looked out to
see if it would light on its feet.


CHARACTERS.
Me. Larry Testy, an old Gentleman.
Frank Lathorpe, his Nephew.
Mr. Beaumont, a Dandy.
Mrs. Martha Testy, Mr. Testy's Wife.
Nan, her Niece.
PROPERTIES.
Table, Chairs, Sofa, Pen, Ink, and Paper. A Poem, in Manu-
script. Basket of Sewing Materials. Band-box, containing an old
Lady's Gap, neatly trimmed icith white. Box, filed with Feathers,
Flowers, and Ribbon. Looking-glass. Piece of Knitting, with
Needles in it-. Photograph. Bed, Potato, Carrot A piece of
Chintz, sewed into a confused bunch. A quantity of Feathers, such
as are used for stuffing pillows.


MAD-CAP.
79
Nan, (reading.) If in thy presence to how down,
With heart and brain on fire,
To vest thee-----
Oh, fiddle! I should think you were mad, Frank !
[Gets down from chair, tosses aside the paper, and leans over
him coaxingly.} Frank, who is she ?
Frank. Do not torture me Do not tear open wounds
yet unhealed! Do not trample upon a heart yet sore with
anguish Do not-------
Nan. Stop, stop I wont, I wont! Why, what in the
name of pity do you take me for ? the grand inquisitor ?
Enter Mb. Testy, in a furious passion.
Mb. Testy. I never saw such a torment! Nan ! [ Takes
her by the arm and shakes her.} What the mischief do you
mean by wetting all my tobacco ?
Nan. Oh, how you pinch me !
Mr. Testy. Pinch you! I have half a mind to shake
you till you cannot see Where are my spectacles ?
Nan, (breaking away from him.) Ha ha ha I
[Laughs violently.
Mr. Testy. What are you laughing at, miss ?
Nan. There, uncle Larry, [comes up to him coaxingly,]
dont be cross Ill tell you where they are. You know
how you always scolded about the dog next door, who
barked all night. Well, I only tied the spectacles to his
nose, and he started off down the street at such a rate that
people thought he was mad, and chased him.
Mr. Testy. Where ?
Nan. I dont know! He has not come back, and I
hope he never will!


78
MAD-CAP.
Frank. Oh, Antoinette, why will you persist in such
freaks ? Over the soft nature of thy dear sex should steal
a gentleness so sweet, that all infringement of propriety
would be impossible. Refinement, elegant improvement,
should be the standard of thy wishes, the goal of thy de-
sires. [Aside.] Ah, Paulina Paulina !
Nan. Cousin Frank !
Frank. Fair cousin!
Nan. Did you swallow any of the poets with your break-
fast ? [xSees his poem.] Why, what is this ? A poem, in
manuscript, as Im a sinner I
Frank. Do not disturb my papers.
Nan, (taking the papers, springs upon a chair.) I must
read them, cousin. Ahem Listen !
Frank, [sitting down.) Read, then. That dulcet voice
will add new music to my strains.
Nan, (reads.) Mad Is that the title, cousin ?
Frank. Yes ; read on.
Nan, (reading.) The rays of evenings sun were gild-
ing hem hem-------
Frank. Why dont you go on ?
Nan. I want to get over this description ; tis so long !
[Turns a leaf.] Ah, here comes the mad part! [Reads.]
Mad, do you call me ? Yes, I rave
Before thy beautys spell.
To see thee, gives a taste of heaven,
To see thee not, is----
Why, cousin Frank, aint you ashamed to use such a
word ? Fie fie !
Frank. Bah tis a poetical license.


MAD-CAP.
SI
Shes put a kitten in my boot, who tore my foot nearly to
pieces ; and shes wet all my tobacco, and spoiled all the
preserves and pickles, and lost my spectacles, and her aunt
will punish her by giving licr cake. I declare, it is enough
to drive one mad ! [Exit,
Frank. What a bewitching little tyrant she is, with it
all! Her childlike mischief is fascinating, from its very
whimsicality. Could I forget Paulina------- What do I say ?
Forget her Never [Takes up his poem.] Whats this ?
Two pages tornone gone Oh, Antoinette, could you
not have spared my poem ? [Begins to read. ] Mad !
Bah! I am glad she did ruin it. Ill burn it, and write an
allegro sonnet to my bewitching cousin [Begins to write.
[Curtain falls.
Scene II.Same as Scene I. [Cap.]
Upon the table is a band-box, and beside it is a basket of sewing mar
terials. A looking-glass also on table..
Enter Nan and Frank.
Nan. The sonnet ? Oh, yes, I found it in my room
this morning. It was very nice.
Frank, (with a look of horror.) Nice!
Nan. Yes, the verses were quite respectable.
Frank. Respectable!
Nan. And the sentiment very fair.
Frank. Fair!
Nan. I have a decided objection though, cousin, to be-
ing called a fiend. [Takes the verses from her pockety and
6


80
MAD-CAP.
Mr. Testy. And so, you have lost my spectacles, you
good-for-nothing-----
Nan. Dont scold, uncle! You can sleep in peace to-
night. Ive deprived you of your howling neighbor.
Enter Mas. Testy.
Mrs. Testy. Oh, dear me dear me !
Nan. Whats the matter, auntie ?
Mrs. Testy. Matter matter, indeed Somebodys salt-
ed all my preserves, and sugared all my pickles !
Mr. Testy. Sugared all your pickles !
Drank. Salted all your preserves 1
Nan, (aside.) I saved one jar for my own eating.
Mr. Testy. Nan, you torment! this is some of your
work !
Nan, (crying.) Its too bad, everything is laid to my
charge!
Mrs. Testy. Dont cry, darling How can you be so
unjust, Larry ? I dont believe the dear child ever thought
of such a thing. There, dear ; dont cry Your old auntie
loves you !
Nan, (sobbing.) They all abuse me !
Mrs. Testy, (embracing her.) Never mind. You shall
help me put up more preserves and pickles.
Nan. I dont want to. I had rather cat them when
they are put up.
Mrs. Testy. So you shall, then! Come with me, my
' ling. I will see if I can find any more of the cakes you
Aed yesterday. [Exeunt Mrs. Testy and Nan.
Mr. Testy. There, thats just the way She nearly sets
me frantic with her pranks, and Martha pets her for it.


MAD-CAP.
83
room, and bring me a box you will find on the bureau ?
The only one there.
Frank. I fly, fair cousin, to do your bidding [Exit.
Nan, (pulling a chair to front of stage, putting the band-
box and work-basket on it; then dragging another forward
and sitting on it.) Ill trim aunties cap for her !
' Enter Feank with a box.
Thats it, Frank Lock the door.
Frank. Lock the door ?
Nan. Yes, well have a little tete-a-tete a tete, a tote,
a turn. Quick !
Frank, (locking the door.) What new mischief have you
afoot ? [Brings a low stool and sits at her feet, xoiih the box
on his lap.}
Nan, (opening the box.) Now, then Ah, heres a pink
rose ; this goes here ! [/Sews the rose on cap.
Frank. Antoinette, what are you about? My aunts
new cap-----
Nan. Mind your own business ; Ill mind mine You
make verses, I trim caps. I dont interfere with your work
let mine alone !
Frank. Interfere Who tore my Ode to Melancholy
into shreds ?
Nan. I did Such stuff! [Looks in the box and takes
out a long piece of blue ribbon, of which she makes a large
bow.} *
Frank. Stuff!
Nan. Yes, all about yelling ravens, and croaking owls,
and howling cats.
Frank. Howling cats 1
Nan. And scraped joys.


82
MAD-CAP.
opens (hem.] See here. My love 1 my fairest hope my
fiend !
Frank, (looking over her shoulder.) Left out the RI
meant friend, Antoinette !
Nan. Oh, friend Friend will do very well.
Frank, [sentimentally.) Would I could call you by a
dearer name !
Nan, [carelessly.) Well, call away. I dont care 5 What
will you call me ?
Frank. My love!
Nan. Hem What will that woman you were going
mad about, say ? [Goes toward table.
Frank, (aside.) By Jove I had forgotten all about
Paulina How pretty she looks !
Nan, (opening the band-box.) I wonder whats in here ?
Frank, (aside.) Shelias not Paulinas dignity, but she
has a grace peculiarly her own.
Nan. Aunties new cap! [Takes out a white cap, simply
trimmed with white ribbons.]
Frank, (aside.) Heiglio I believe I will forget Pau-
lina, and try to win fair Antoinette
Nan, (putting on the cap, and looking in the glass.) I
wonder what kind of an old woman Id make Frank ?
Frank, (turning to face her.) My fair cousin !
Nan. Be more respectful, sir This venerable female
wishes consideration from youth, on account of her
years !
Frank. What are you doing with my aunts cap ?
Nan, (looking again in the glass.) I think a few pink
flowers would make it more becoming. Oh, I know what
Ill do ; Ill have some fun Frank, wont you go to my


MAD-CAP.
85
Nan. Oh, theres aunt Martha! [Puts the cap hastily
into band-box, replaces it and woric-basicet on the table, hiding
the other box underneath.]
Mrs. Testy, (knocking.) Open this door! Whos in
there ?
Nan. There Now, Frank, open the door. [xS&s down,
takes apiece of knitting from the basket, and pulls the needles
out.']
Frank, (opening the door.) Come in, auntie.
Mrs, Testy* What did you lock the door for ?
Nan. X was practicing a new profession, auntie.
Mrs. Testy. Mercy on me! Whats the child adoing
with my knitting ? Dont you know you mustnt pull the
needles out of knitting ? [Takes it from her.
Nan, {whimpering.) I was only trying to learn how !
, Mrs. Testy, (caressing her.) Never mind. You area
dear girl to try to be useful. Ill teach you how, to-morrow.
[ box, and takes it out.] Why, mercy on me What did she
mean by putting all these flowers on it ?
Nan. Put it on, auntie !
Mrs. Testy. No, no I dont want no such harum-
scarum thing on my head !
Nan. Do try it on !
Mrs. Testy. Well, well, to please you. [Goes to glass,
2?uts on cap.] Did any body ever see such an all-fired gay
thing ? My stars, I feel quite dressed up !
Nan. Its very becoming.
Frank. Im going out, auntie. Put the box in the car-
riage, and Ill leave it at the milliners.


84
MAD-CAP.
Frank. What! Scraped joys ? Oh, Antoinette Scaped
escaped.
Nan. Oh! I guess that was where you put the B that
turned me from a friend into a fiend ! [& and keeps taking from the box an immense lot of ribbons, flow-
ers, and feathers, which she puts on, until the cap is completely
covered, keeping up the conversation with Frank all the
time. ]
Frank. Antoinette, you have no soul for poetry !
Nan. Yes I have; but not for such love-sick trash as
that was Becite to me nowsomething pretty.
Frank, (aside.) What a chance! Ill make fierce love
to her, in poetry. Ahem ! [Aloud.
It is a fearful thing
To love as I love thee. To feel the world
The bright, the beautiful, the joy-giving world----
Nan. Thats jolly. I like it!
Frank, (aside.) Jolly! when I was trying to be particu-
larly dismal. I wish she would put down that cap, and
look at me !
Nan. Go ahead, Frank What makes you stop ?
Frank. Into my heart a silent look
Flashed from those careless eyes,
And what before was shadow, took
The light of summer skies 1
Nan. Now, thats right pretty Here, Frank, look up !
I want to see how the cap looks now. [Puts the cap on
Franks head.] There, lets see if the crown is right ?
[Makes him kneel, facing audience.] There! aint that fine?
Id make a fortune as a milliner !
Mrs. Testy, (shaking the door-handle.) Let me in!
Who locked the door ?


MAD-CAP.
87
Mb. Beaumont. Had I known you were there, no pow-
er on earth would have kept me away !
[Fate his hat on the floor.
Nan. Have you seen the new photographs of Colson ?
Me. Beaumont. No are they good ?
Nan. I will show you mine. Excuse me for a moment.
[Exit, taking Mb. B. s hat, unperceived by him.
Me. BeAumont. Do you visit the opera often, Mr.
Tasty?
Mb. Testy, (snappishly.) Testy, sir! Testy!
[Sits down on sofa.
Mb. Beaumont, (aside.) Very testy, I should say.
Enter Nan. She has a picture and Mr. Beaumonts hat, which she
carries so as to show audience that it is half full of feathers.
She puts hat in its old place on the foot', and hands Mr. Beaumont
the picture.
Mb. Beaumont. Excellent! excellent! Colson herself !
Nan, (aside.) The portrait which our Irish girl had
taken for her beau [
Enter Mrs. Testy, carrying apiece of sewing, stitched in a bunch.
Mbs. Testy. I cannot imagine how I came to sew this
apron together in this way. I must have been very sleepy
last evening.
Nan, (aside.) But I was very wide awake. [Mbs. Testy
sits down on sofa, beside Mb. Testy. Nan, going behind
them.] What ails it, aunt Martha ?
Mbs. Testy. Nothing, darling I can soon rip it out.
[Nan pins Mb. Testys coat-tails to Mbs. Testys dress.
Enter Frank.
Frank. Antoinette, did you sew up all the pockets in
my great coat ?


86
MAD-CAP.
Nan, (hastily.) No, no /can alter it, auntie !
Mrs. Testy, Thats a dear, useful girl!
\Curtain falls.
Scene III.Same as Scene II. [Mad-cap.]
Enter Me. Testy.
Mr. Testy. What on earth shall I do with Nan ? I
cant keep her out of mischief one hour at a time. She is
as saucy as a housemaid ; and, to crown the whole, she has
now a whole lot of beaux coming here all the time. She,
not out of short dresses yet!
Enter Me. Beaumont.
Mr. Beaumont. Good morning, Mr. Tasty! Is Made-
moiselle Antoinette at home ?
Mr. Testy. Yes, sir, she is at home.
Mr. Beaumont. Aw 1 can I see her ?
Mr. Testy. What for ?
Mr. Beaumont. What for ? Aw, really! I merely
stopped to pay my respects!
Mr. Testy. Your respects! My niece is too young yet
to receive gentleman visitors I
Enter Nan.
Nan. Ah, Mr. Beaumont! how dye do ? Uncle, this
is my friend, Mr. Beaumont. My uncle, Mr. Testy, sir.
[Both gentlemen bow very stiffly.] Pray, be seated, Mr.
Beaumont! [Mr. Beaumont hands her a chair, and sits
down himself.] I looked for you at the opera, last evening.
You were not th~**-


INCONSTANT.


88
KAD-CAP.
Nan, (innocently.) I, cousin Frank ?
Frank, (seeing Mr. Beaumont.) Ah, Mr. Beaumont,
good morning !
Mr. Beaumont, (rising.) Good morning, and good bye l
I -was just on the point of leaving.
[Mr. and Mrs. Testy rise. They pull different ways,
pinned fast together. Frank draws out his handkerchief, and
a carrot, potato, and beet, roll out of it on the floor. Mr. Beau-
mont puts on his hat, and the feathers fly all over him. "While
Nan, in the background, daps Mr hands, laughing at the mis-
chief
[Curtain falls.


INCONSTANT.
Scene I. [Inn.]
The parlor of an Inn. Mr. Bustle, pushing a table into its place.
Susy, dusting.
Mb. Bustle. Come, Susy, fly round. The coach -will
be here in half a minute more, and -we are sure to have
company. Is dinner all ready ?
Susy. Yes, sir. Ive baked the pies, and boiled the
puddings, and fried the fish, and stewed the mutton, and
boiled the parsnips, and warmed the hash, and drawed the
tea, and cooked the rest of the things !
Mb. Bustle. All right! [Horn heard outside. ] Theres
the coach !
Susy. Yes, sir, I hear the horses feet, and thats Mr.
Dumps, the coachman, a-scolding, Im sure !
Bob, {behind the scenes.) This way, if yees plase.
Erdci' Bob, bowing, foUoioed by Mr. and Mrs. Smith and Mr.
Frederick Goldsmith.
Frederick. Aw, this is the pawlaw, is it ? You can
leave us, good people.
Mr. Smith. Serve dinner as soon as possible.
Mr. Bustle. Yes, sir. Dinner will be ready in ten
minutes. Come, Susy ; come, Bob ! [Exit.


CHAEACTEES.
Me. Smith.
Mbs. Gertrude Smith.
Me. Frederick Goldsmith.
Mr. Bustle, Landlord of an
Bob, his Man.
Susy, his Maid.
EEOPEETIES.
Furniture for the parlor of an Inn.


INCONSTANT.
93
Susy. Oh, Bob Im afraid you like the wee sup too
much now.
Bob. Niver a bit, darlint. Dont ye fret. Sure, Susy,
your bright eyes ll always do the work when I want to be
intoxicated, sure !
Susy. I wish you would think of some other trade,
though, Bob. I am tired of living in an inn.
Bob. Arrah, darlint, yell find theres a great difference
betwane being raaid and mistress. But its a long way
ahead before weve the money to buy even a stock, so we
wont fret about it. [Bell rings outside.
Susy. They are ringing for you. Go, Bob I
Bob. Yis, Im going.
Mr. Bustle, (behind the scenes.) Susy, Susy!
Bob. Its yourself, after all. [hisses her.] Take that,
and my blessing!
Susy. For shame, Bob ! [Exit.
Bob. Oh, its the jewel of the world she is, with her
bright eyes, and swate smile, sure !
[Sings Rory O'More.
And he looked in her eyes, that were beaming with light,
And he kissed her swate lips, dont ye think he was right ?
Enter Mr. Smith.
Mr. Smith. Here, I want you to go to the inn, at the
other end of the village, and get the trunk I left there last
week.
Bob. The Golden Horn, sir ?
Mr. Smith. Yes; ask for Mr. Smiths trunk. [Bob
starts to go.] Stop, I will give you an order. [Takes a pen-
cil from Ms pocket and a card; writing.] Deliverto-----
Whats your name ?


92
INCONSTANT.
Bob. Cornin, sir. [Goes to door, and waits for Susy;
as she passes, tries to put his arm round her; she runs out, he
aftei* her.]
Frederick. Aw, pwetty girl, pon lionaw !
Mrs. Ssiith. I wish, Frederick, you would break your-
self of this habit of staring at every girl we meet. Even
the waiting-maid of an inn seems to come in for a share of
your indiscriminate praise!
Frederick. Aw, Gertwude, you are severe! Are you
not fatigued, sistaw, with our long wide ?
Mrs. Smith. Yes; when we have dined, I must rest
for a few hours.
Enter Bob.
Bob. If yees plase, dinner is sarved.
Mr. Smith. Ah, this is punctual. Come, Gertrude.
[Offers Mrs. Smith his arm.\
[Exeunt. Mr. Goldsmith follows them.
Bob. Sure, now, thats the rale quality, and no mistake.
Siventeen trunks, niver a less When a man has sarved
in an inn for a while he larns whats gintale, sure,
Miter Sxjst.
Susy. Why, Bob, what are you doing in the parlor ?
Bob. Whist now, be aisy Its at dinner they all are,
and we can have a little rational conversation, sure. Ah,
Susy, its the picter ye are, with the new cap ye have on
ye, and its the beautiful landlady yell make by-and-by !
Susy. So you still think you will keep an inn when we
are married ?
Bob. Yis, honey. Ye see theres intertainment and
profit, both in one, and a wee sup now and then ; and no-
body to say by your lave to !


INCONSTANT.
95
Mr. Smith. Comparisons, my charmer, are odious.
Mrs. Smith. I want to know how long you intend to
stay at this detestable inn.
Mr. Smith. Detestable, my love ?
Mrs. Smith. Yes, sir, detestable! There was so much
pepper on the salad that I could not eat it, and the fish
Faugh !was fried instead of boiled. I detest fried fish.
Mr. Smith.. There was mutton, my love.
Mrs. Smith. I abhor mutton.
Mr. Smith. And beef.
Mrs. Smith. There is never anything fit to eat in an
inn. How long will you stay here ?
Mr. Smith. Only a short time, my love. I have some
business to transact for a client, and then we will go to
your cousins.
Mrs. Smith. Who, thank fortune, does not keep an
inn I [Curtainfalls.
Scene II.Same as Scene I. [Constant.]
Enter Susy.
Susy. I wonder why that dandy didnt go away with
the rest of the folks. He follows me all about, and keeps
making love to me. I dont like it. I wish hed go away.
I darent tell Bob, for fear hell go to fighting or something,
and get into trouble.
Enter Frederick.
Frederick. Ah, Susy, chawming Susy, are you there ?
Susy, (trying to pass him.) Mr. Bustle is calling me, sir.


94
INCONSTANT.
Bob. Robert, sir.
Mr. Smith, (writing.) To Robert-------- Whats your
other name ?
Bob. Bob, sir.
Mr. Smith. Stupid I mean your last name.
Bob. Its OKillencacolony, sir, of OKillencacolony
Hall, sir, twenty miles the other side of Londonderry.
Mr. Smith. Pshaw! [Writes.] Deliver to bearer
---- There, sir take that card and get my trunk.
Bob. Xis, sir. What am I to do with the trunk, sure,
when I get it ?
Mr. Smith. Bring it to me, of course. [Gives him
some money. ] There, see if that will brighten your wits
any!
Bob. Sure, sir, its a gintleman you are, and so is your
beautiful wife, sir Thank you, sir; may you live ten
thousand years, sir. I----- [Botes.
Mr. Smith. There, go !
Bob. Yis, sir. [Exit.
Mr. Smith. I hope the accommodations here will be
better than at the Golden Horn, though I never saw an inn
in my life that was fit to stay a week in.
Enter Mrs. Smith.
Mrs. Smith. My dear !
Mr. Smith, (aside.) Shes going to scold ; she always
begins in that wav.
v v
Mrs. Smith, (sharply.) It would be good manners, sir,
to pay some little attention when I am speaking.
Mr. Smith. My love, I am all ears.
Mrs. Smith. So is a donkey !


INCONSTANT.
97
Frederick. Do you love Bob ?
Susy. Yes, I do.
Frederick. Well, Susy, if yon will be my wife we will
give Bob a tavern, and let him go into business for him-
self.
Susy. He wouldnt take itI know he wouldnt. You
do not know him, sir. He is rough and rude, but under
all that he carries a true Irish heart, and he loves me / I
feel it here. [Puts her hand on her heart.
Frederick. Bah hed get over it in a week !
Susy. It is very cruel for you to torment me so. I wish
you would go away. IIjust hate you. There !
[Begins to cry.
Frederick. Dont cwy. There! [Comes close to her.]
I declare, it distwesses me Let me kiss away the tears.
[Tries to take her hands from her face.
Susy. Go away. I know Bob loves me. I dont care
what you say. Let me alone.
Frederick. I am sowwy I said so.
hisJ] Kiss me for forgiveness.
Susy. I wont. Let me go.
Frederick. Then I must kiss you.
Susy. Let me go. Bob, Bob !
Baler Bob.
Bob. Arrah, whats the matter ?
[Pushes Mr. Goldsmith violently away.
Frederick. Fellow, go away You intrude.
Susy. Bob, dear Bob dont go.
Bob. I wont. What do you mane, sir, torminting a
poor wake woman ? Sure, Im ashamed of ye.
[ Takes her hands in
[Struggles.
[Calls.


96
INCONSTANT.
Frederick. Aw, I left Mm at the bar, vewy busy. I
dont think he wants you.
[Tries to catch her. Susy runs to front of stage.
Susy. I wish youd let me alone, sir. I have my work
to do.
Frederick. Its a shame for such pwetty hands to have
to work. Aw, Susy, how would you like to be a wich
woman ?
Susy. Lor, sir! I shouldnt like to be a witch at all,
sir !
Frederick. No, no notwitch. Wichdont you know ?
wealthy!
Susy. Oh, rich !
Frederick. Yes, wich. I said wich. How would you
like to mawwy some wich man ?
Susy. Lor, sir, I cant! Im engaged to Bob !
Frederick. Whos Bob ?
Susy. The man Im engaged to, sir.
Frederick. Hes nothing but a poor Iwishman. Now,
if you mawwy me, I will give you tine clothes, and evewy-
thing you can wish for.
Susy. But what would Bob do ?
Frederick. Mawwy somebody else.
Susy. Marry somebody else ? Bob, my Bob !
Frederick. He wouldnt be your Bob if he mawwied
some other woman.
Susy. He wouldnt do it. Bob is as constant asasI
intend to be.
Frederick. Why, Susy, you wont be so foolish ? If
you awe my wife you can keep a cawwidge, and wear fme
dwesses, and go to the opewa, and---
Susy. Its just no use a-talking. I wont. There !


INCONSTANT.
99
Scene III.Same as Scenes I. and II. [Inconstant.]
Enter Susy, dressed in white.
Susy. I wonder what my old admirer, Bob, would say,
if he saw me to-day It is three months since he went
away, and I cant wait forever for a lover So, as Mr.
Bustle is a v^ry nice man, and as I think landlady of this
inn is a preferable situation to maid of all work, I con-
eluded to become Mrs. Bustle !
Enter Mu. Bustle.
Mr. Bustle. Ah, Susy, all ready ?
Susy, (bashfully.) Yes, sir !
Mr. Bustle. Come, then. I have a carriage. Oh, we
will go to church in style 1
Susy, (aside.) Bob would never have thought of a car-
riage. [ Takes Mr. Bustles arm, after a moments pause.
Enter Bob.
Bob. Arrah, now, I wonder where Susy is Ive hunt-
ed all over the house, and I cant find her. I wonder if
shes gone with the wedding folks I saw starting from the
door ? Sure, I think it was a wedding, for I saw a lady in
white a-getting into one of the coaches. Susy [Galls.]
Susy Sure, I wonder if shes gone away from the place ?
Well, Ill wait a bit, anyhow. Sure, if I could write Id
lave a bit of a line, to tell her that I am going to get mar-
ried to Mrs. Mulroony, cook to the quality folks, where
Im living. Its rather an awkward thing to tell a woman
its inconstant you are Shell cry of course, and call me
names. Well, Bob, make up your mind to bear it like a
man. Sure, Mrs. Mulroonys got a hape of money laid by,
and is worth havin. It was a hard wooing she cost you,


Full Text
20
3MATEIMONT.
Mbs. Hamilton. Warning, Katie ? Why, dont you
like the place ?
' Dennis. If you plase, marm, Katies going to be mar-
ried to me.
Mbs. Hamilton. To you! Why, Dennis, when you
came here, you said Katie was your sister.
Dennis, (scratching his head.) Well, marm, you see were
all one large family, since Adam and Eve, and if you plase,
we aint any nearer related, marm. [Sell rings.
Mbs. Hamilton. There, Dennis, go to the door.
- Dennis. Yis, marm. [Exit.
Mrs. Hamilton. It must be my dear children. How I
long to see them !
Enter Charles and Ellen, who embrace Mrs. Hamilton. Then
Arabella rushes in, followed by the Count, who tries to detain
her.
Arabella. Go away Dont touch me Oh you odi-
ous impostor Oh hold me somebody, or I shall choke !
Mrs. Hamilton. Why, Bella, my love, what is the
matter ?
Arabella. A horrible imposition! A base deceiver!
A wretched woman, is the matter There look! [.Point-
ing to the Count.] Do you see that man ?
Count. I am tall enough, love, to be plainly visible.
Why will you excite yourself so ? you are really quite
flushed.
Ellen. Why, Count, how you have improved in En-
glish 1
Arabella. Dont call him Count, Nellie. He-
manoh, I shall faint 1 That horrible monster-----
Count. My love !
Arabella. Isisa barber !
[Falls sobbing into Ellen's arms.


366
PROVERBS IN TABLEAUX.
THERES HO ROSE WITHOUT A THORN.
The Scene is a parlor.Standing in the foreground is a
young girl, simply dressed. In her left hand she has a
rose, and holding out her right hand shows to her compan-
ion the scratches made by the thorns, (a little carmine
paint, put on with a fine camels-hair pencil, makes very
painless scratches.) Her companion, a young man dressed
as a mechanics apprentice, (a carpenters, butchers, shoe-
makers, or any other trade,) is, with a look of sympathy,
raising the wounded hand to his lips. Behind the young
man stands his employer, with an expression of rage, rais-
ing a rope, as if about to strike the apprentice. He is not
perceived by either of the young people.
In the background is a child, with a look of great glee,
putting its fingers into a jar, marked jam, while the mo-
ther, behind the child, is raising her hand to box its ears.
KILLING TWO BIRDS WITH ONE STONE.
Tiie Scene is a parlor.In the foreground is a young
lady, richly dressed, holding in her right hand a bouquet of
flowers. One lover, standing at her right hand, is fasten-
ing one of the flowers into her hair ; another lover stands
a little back, left, and the lady holds to him a flower with
her left hand, looking unutterable things at No. 2 while
turning her head aside for No. 1 to fasten the flower in her
hair.
IT IS NO USE TO CRY OYER SPILT MILK.
A farm kitchen is the Scene.In the centre of the stage
stands a milkmaid, dressed in a striped chintz skirt, short,
a white muslin body, and a little jaunty cap, and holding
in one hand her hat. She is crying, with a face of sad